Avoiding the monsters.

My mom said the most honest thing to me today. We went driving this afternoon, just all around Ottawa. As we were driving along we were talking about my senior year and all the things that are coming up, and she said, “ you’re so afraid, remember when you were little you didn’t fear anything now you fear everything.” I had to keep myself from losing all control due to the fact that I was the one driving. Nothing has ever hit me so hard. It only hurt so much because it was unbelievably true. My mom wasn’t referring to my entire life, but that statement made me think of how when I was little I did what ever I wanted.

What used to be nothing is now everything. When I think back of the things I used to do, I can’t even imagine doing them now. Things I used to do then, would only embarrass me now. When I was little the only things I feared were small inconspicuous things. Now it’s like where ever I turn there is something new to fear about life. I’m not saying life sucks, I’m not saying I want to switch places with a five year old, I’m just saying that I didn’t realize how much there was to fear.

As we get older we definitely do not get braver. We just don’t fear the things we used to. We now fear things that are way worse then a dark basement. When ever I think of going to school and having to do all the things that are required when you are a senior I get butterflies in my stomach and my heart starts to race. This is the feeling I once got just because I thought there was a monster in my closet. I used to sleep with my mom, and I finally got over that and started to sleep in my own room. Now I have to start thinking about sleeping in my own apartment, or on campus at a not yet chosen university. I used to stand in gym class scared that the boys wouldn’t choose me to be on there team. Now I’m scared that a boy will never choose me.

Does anyone remember when we wanted to go back to school? The other day I was in line at a store to check out, and in front of me were two little boys and their mom. One of them said that they were so excited to go back to school because now he had a nice school bag. I was also about to buy new things for school, and before that I had gone to many other stores buying everything I could in order to attempt to make back to school easier. And I still wasn’t excited to go back. Buying all my new stuff made me even more scared for back to school.

I might not fear the monsters in my closet, but I have never been more scared in my entire life. Our fears from when we were little might go away, but they get replaced with bigger and scarier ones.