Fight or Flight

Sorry for the lack of posts. I realize its been extremely long since I've written anything. Not that many people read my blog, but for the few special ones, I suppose I will write a post. A lot has happened in the last few months so I really do not know where to begin.

My life is in turmoil, and I can't really put into words why that is. I have now begun my second semester of my last year of high school. It has proven itself to be the hardest part of my whole high school career. Waiting for responses from universities is nerve racking, organizing my school work is tormenting. and planning my schedule is frustrating. I feel that at any moment I will explode from all this. Dramatic statement I know, and most likely not possible. It is finalized I will be leaving high school at the end of June and there is no turning back. There is no point in worrying about that anymore because I know it will happen regardless. So now the thing that I have to worry about is where I will go after it is all over. The question I keep asking myself is "do I want to stay home or move out?" I have been excepted into Carleton so now staying home is an option. I am waiting to hear back from Queens now, and I am really hoping I get in. As scary as I know it will be to make the decision and finalize my life, I do want the choice of staying or going.

That is another dilemma all together. The reality that when I submit my decision to accept or decline a university offer, I will be finalizing my life. I will be saying, that's it that's all. It will be me carving my life into stone. No changing my mind and no turning back. For those who know me they know that I can never make a decision, so this shall be interesting.

On the not making decisions note, I am currently trying to purchase a prom dress. Completely impossible. In grade eight it took me five months to pick out a dress for a dance that hardly amounts to the importance of PROM. I am one of those girls who have been waiting to go to prom since I can remember. I imagine myself in the perfect dress, walking down the stairs, pictures being taken and getting into the limo. The only problem is I can picture the perfect dress in my head I just can't find it. Tomorrow I will be going out for the forth time to try and find a dress. I have been to almost every store in Ottawa, and unfortunately they all basically have the same things. I have now decided that I will buy my dress from Moose Creek which has two of the largest dress stores in Ontario. So I came to the decision that if I can't find one there then its a lost cause. Most dresses that I've put on have been very nice, only none of them have been what I'm looking for. Also as one of my best friends pointed out, I not only have to like the dress, but I have to receive the approval from my mom, sister, and dad. And to make it more difficult, all three of them have completely different ideas of what looks nice. My mom wants me to have a red flowing dress. My sister wants me to have something form fitting, and my dad wants me to have something that isn't to tight but has some shape to it.

Oh the hardships of being young. I'm kidding. The problems that I've listed here are just the mere material conflicts of life. Problems that mean nothing when you really look at life. For the past few months I have contemplated a lot of things. The conflict of moving away or staying is not because I am worried about my own education, its because I am worried about how my family will survive without me. I am worried about my mother being able to deal with my sister without me being there to mitigate. I wonder how they will manage when I am not there to rely on.

My problems fall deeper then just wondering what dress will look the nicest. I wish that I was only worrying about that. My sister is getting worse. Before now you couldn't tell she had problems by looking at her. Before, she looked like any other 18 year old girl, but now her hardships show on her face. She has gone from being 130 pounds to 110 pounds. Her hair is short now because it's so damaged. She coughs constantly. And because of health reason, she now takes 10 pills every morning. The past couople of weeks I have been late to school every morning because its up to me to make sure she wakes up at 8 and eats before she takes her pills. I have to do it because she screams at my mom if she tries. Thats also why I don't want to leave home, no matter what the situation, very rarely does my sister ever scream at me. She knows that I am there to help her.

My dad is now back from afghanistan, and thats has just added more stress to my plate. he refuses to understand my sisters situation. He doesn't understand how touchy she is, and how angry she can become. he pushes her buttons non stop. It's starting to get the the point where my sister doesnt come home all day jsut to avoid him.

I have two trips coming up. For march break I am going to Mont Tremblant for my grad trip. Then at the end of April I'm going to Europe for 2 weeks. Both are going to be amazing trips, and I think that they are going to be the break that I need. I want to go away and enjoy time that's actually for me. Time to myself with friends. I haven't had that in a long time.

I hope this long post makes up for the fact that I haven't written in a while.