Fight or Flight

Sorry for the lack of posts. I realize its been extremely long since I've written anything. Not that many people read my blog, but for the few special ones, I suppose I will write a post. A lot has happened in the last few months so I really do not know where to begin.

My life is in turmoil, and I can't really put into words why that is. I have now begun my second semester of my last year of high school. It has proven itself to be the hardest part of my whole high school career. Waiting for responses from universities is nerve racking, organizing my school work is tormenting. and planning my schedule is frustrating. I feel that at any moment I will explode from all this. Dramatic statement I know, and most likely not possible. It is finalized I will be leaving high school at the end of June and there is no turning back. There is no point in worrying about that anymore because I know it will happen regardless. So now the thing that I have to worry about is where I will go after it is all over. The question I keep asking myself is "do I want to stay home or move out?" I have been excepted into Carleton so now staying home is an option. I am waiting to hear back from Queens now, and I am really hoping I get in. As scary as I know it will be to make the decision and finalize my life, I do want the choice of staying or going.

That is another dilemma all together. The reality that when I submit my decision to accept or decline a university offer, I will be finalizing my life. I will be saying, that's it that's all. It will be me carving my life into stone. No changing my mind and no turning back. For those who know me they know that I can never make a decision, so this shall be interesting.

On the not making decisions note, I am currently trying to purchase a prom dress. Completely impossible. In grade eight it took me five months to pick out a dress for a dance that hardly amounts to the importance of PROM. I am one of those girls who have been waiting to go to prom since I can remember. I imagine myself in the perfect dress, walking down the stairs, pictures being taken and getting into the limo. The only problem is I can picture the perfect dress in my head I just can't find it. Tomorrow I will be going out for the forth time to try and find a dress. I have been to almost every store in Ottawa, and unfortunately they all basically have the same things. I have now decided that I will buy my dress from Moose Creek which has two of the largest dress stores in Ontario. So I came to the decision that if I can't find one there then its a lost cause. Most dresses that I've put on have been very nice, only none of them have been what I'm looking for. Also as one of my best friends pointed out, I not only have to like the dress, but I have to receive the approval from my mom, sister, and dad. And to make it more difficult, all three of them have completely different ideas of what looks nice. My mom wants me to have a red flowing dress. My sister wants me to have something form fitting, and my dad wants me to have something that isn't to tight but has some shape to it.

Oh the hardships of being young. I'm kidding. The problems that I've listed here are just the mere material conflicts of life. Problems that mean nothing when you really look at life. For the past few months I have contemplated a lot of things. The conflict of moving away or staying is not because I am worried about my own education, its because I am worried about how my family will survive without me. I am worried about my mother being able to deal with my sister without me being there to mitigate. I wonder how they will manage when I am not there to rely on.

My problems fall deeper then just wondering what dress will look the nicest. I wish that I was only worrying about that. My sister is getting worse. Before now you couldn't tell she had problems by looking at her. Before, she looked like any other 18 year old girl, but now her hardships show on her face. She has gone from being 130 pounds to 110 pounds. Her hair is short now because it's so damaged. She coughs constantly. And because of health reason, she now takes 10 pills every morning. The past couople of weeks I have been late to school every morning because its up to me to make sure she wakes up at 8 and eats before she takes her pills. I have to do it because she screams at my mom if she tries. Thats also why I don't want to leave home, no matter what the situation, very rarely does my sister ever scream at me. She knows that I am there to help her.

My dad is now back from afghanistan, and thats has just added more stress to my plate. he refuses to understand my sisters situation. He doesn't understand how touchy she is, and how angry she can become. he pushes her buttons non stop. It's starting to get the the point where my sister doesnt come home all day jsut to avoid him.

I have two trips coming up. For march break I am going to Mont Tremblant for my grad trip. Then at the end of April I'm going to Europe for 2 weeks. Both are going to be amazing trips, and I think that they are going to be the break that I need. I want to go away and enjoy time that's actually for me. Time to myself with friends. I haven't had that in a long time.

I hope this long post makes up for the fact that I haven't written in a while.

Avoiding the monsters.

My mom said the most honest thing to me today. We went driving this afternoon, just all around Ottawa. As we were driving along we were talking about my senior year and all the things that are coming up, and she said, “ you’re so afraid, remember when you were little you didn’t fear anything now you fear everything.” I had to keep myself from losing all control due to the fact that I was the one driving. Nothing has ever hit me so hard. It only hurt so much because it was unbelievably true. My mom wasn’t referring to my entire life, but that statement made me think of how when I was little I did what ever I wanted.

What used to be nothing is now everything. When I think back of the things I used to do, I can’t even imagine doing them now. Things I used to do then, would only embarrass me now. When I was little the only things I feared were small inconspicuous things. Now it’s like where ever I turn there is something new to fear about life. I’m not saying life sucks, I’m not saying I want to switch places with a five year old, I’m just saying that I didn’t realize how much there was to fear.

As we get older we definitely do not get braver. We just don’t fear the things we used to. We now fear things that are way worse then a dark basement. When ever I think of going to school and having to do all the things that are required when you are a senior I get butterflies in my stomach and my heart starts to race. This is the feeling I once got just because I thought there was a monster in my closet. I used to sleep with my mom, and I finally got over that and started to sleep in my own room. Now I have to start thinking about sleeping in my own apartment, or on campus at a not yet chosen university. I used to stand in gym class scared that the boys wouldn’t choose me to be on there team. Now I’m scared that a boy will never choose me.

Does anyone remember when we wanted to go back to school? The other day I was in line at a store to check out, and in front of me were two little boys and their mom. One of them said that they were so excited to go back to school because now he had a nice school bag. I was also about to buy new things for school, and before that I had gone to many other stores buying everything I could in order to attempt to make back to school easier. And I still wasn’t excited to go back. Buying all my new stuff made me even more scared for back to school.

I might not fear the monsters in my closet, but I have never been more scared in my entire life. Our fears from when we were little might go away, but they get replaced with bigger and scarier ones.

sixteen years, and still moving.

You know how adults always tell us to enjoy our childhoods, and don't grow up to fast. I think they are so extremely right. I was sitting here and thinking how I will be a senior next year. That's the scariest thing I could ever think of. It hasn't fully registered yet. I am going into my last year of high school. Next year around this time I will be getting ready to hopefully start my next journey into university. I will no longer have those for protective walls to hold me up.

I don't know if anyone else is in the same boat as I am, but personally I have never truly thought about my future. Sure I've thought about what I want to be and how I'm going to get there. What I failed to think about is what happens after. Yes I tell myself I want to get married and have kids, but what about after that. You have to raise them, take care of bills, mortgages, pay taxes, and everything else. Oh and make sure your marriage doesn't fall apart. No one ever tells you exactly how hard its going to be.

Does everyone know the movie, A Blast From The Past? I am going to do exactly what he did, I am going to go underground and never come back up. As exciting as people make the future sound, they never tell you the other side of it. Yes there is obviously some perks to being an adult, but they are nothing compared to the hard parts. As teenagers what most of us are thinking is, " I want to make it to 21 so I can legally drink." What we don't think about is once we make it to 21 we also have to pay our own bills, buy our own food, and make sure we don't end up on the streets.

We all talk about our futures, and our goals. I don't want to be the barer of bad news, but the average adult doesn't live out any of his/her dreams. It's insanely nerve racking to think about how one day it will all be on us. No more parent, no more teachers, no more taking the easy way out. There is no other way, you just move forward. It doesn't matter if it looks a little rocky up ahead, we still have to make our way towards the hardest parts. There is no turning around and saying its to hard, or changing our minds. Forward, that's all there is.

I'm in the middle without any plans,

I’m faced with a bit of a problem. Don’t you hate it when something happens, and you have no control over it. That’s my problem. Three years have gone by since I met a certain person in my life, and in the past couple of weeks my feeling for this person have changed. Not for the better, I don’t think.

I’ll give you all a few details. It’s a guy, my age, and we’ve been great friends for about two years. I wouldn’t call us best friends, but I would be heartbroken if our friendship ended. He has always been fun to be with, and always great to talk to. He’s my advice-giving guy. He’s helped me through a lot of boy issues. Now the tables have turned. Currently I’m helping him through girl issues. He’s in a relationship, but doesn’t know if the relationship will last, or for how long. We’ve been spending more time together, and we’re getting closer as friends.

Now I’ll tell you about my problem. He loves his girlfriend very much, and wants things to work. My issue is that I have the smallest crush on him. Obviously I’m not going to act on it. I am not a home wrecker. My goal is not to split them up. My goal is to keep quiet. Even if he were to break-up with his girlfriend, I would never want to be his rebound girl. Also another issue is that, even if he didn’t have a girlfriend, I don’t think I would want to ruin a great friendship. So, I’m going to put it at the back of my mind and pretend it never existed.

On to another topic now. Summer is going fine I suppose. I haven’t been going out much but that’s the way I like it for the most part. My mom is going away for 5 days leaving me in charge of the house. Most teenagers would be thinking to themselves, “yeah!! Time for a party.” But I am not thinking that. I’m not that type of teenager, and even if I was there are certain things that are stopping me from doing so. The number one reason is my less responsible, and unreliable older sister. I don’t have time to have a party because I’m going to be watching her 24/7. Make sure she doesn’t burn the house down, make sure she doesn’t have her boyfriend sleep over, make sure she doesn’t leave the door unlocked, and make sure she doesn’t have a party. She would do all these things without even thinking.

Now, I’m not the world’s most perfect daughter. I am going to break a rule or two. I am going to have one or two people over, and maybe drink the vodka that’s in my room. But I will be careful with what I do. Oh yeah and this is going to be the first time I stay home alone. So I don’t know if I’ll be to scared to do so. I have a back up just in case. If I can’t sleep I’m pretty sure my nice wonderful best friend Maleeha will take me in, right Maleeha :)
Ok that’s all for now.

"All of us go, or no one goes."

These are words I've heard all my life. I have been punished by these words. Everytime that I've gotten my hopes up about something, and then my sister decides she'd rather go out and get high I'm the one that suffers for it. After she decides she's going to ruin everyones day, my parents decide instead of making my day decent they'd rather ruin the whole thing and mope all day. There are many examples that I could go through, but to say all of them it would take to long. It happens all the time, it happens so often that now when my sister says she's not going I just automatically forget about it.

Apart of me always wants to forgive her, but this time it's so much bigger then that. When this last happened I told her I would never speak to her the same way ever again. I yet to have a full conversation with my sister, and in this weird way it feels better. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness, she doesn't deserve anything. "She doesn't deserve anything" I wish my mom would understand that. The things my sister has done are undescribable, but still she gets everything. She is given a new cell phone when she wants it, she is given money to go out, she is taken shopping whenever, and she stays out till all hours in the night. I hardly do anything anymore. I stay home so my mom isn't lonely, I have stopped shopping all the time to save more money, and I put aside my own priorities.

I do amazing at school, I volunteer all the time, and I clean everything around the house. I never get recognized for any of that. My sister is home schooled because she is to messed up to go sit in a class room. She was suppose to graduate this year but instead she just finished grade 11, and still my parents are so proud of her.

I hate her.

Took eighteen years to get this far,

In the last week I have gone from a sixteen year old girl to being a full grown adult, and the reason is indescribable. My life has been turned upside down and shaken a little. Just when I think everything is going in the right direction I find myself in the middle of problem that aren't even mine, but get put on my shoulders anyways.

Being a teenager should be simple. Party's, school, friends, and other mindless things. In my world that isn't the case. Family issues, drug problems, abusive relationships, and a lot of other messed up things, that's my life in a snap shot. Growing up you don't imagine the future being like this. I know that when people are going through hard times, they tell themselves, "there is always someone going through the same thing". It's not like that in my case. There is no one who knows what this feels like. Little problems separately by themselves, yes, but not everything put together.

It's funny how everything is all conjoined together. You never think of these things. When you're growing up playing and laughing together, you never stop and think, what is the future going to bring? But when you hit a certain age that's all you can think of. As teenagers growing in to adults we constantly want to know what the future holds for us and the people aroud us. We want to know, but then again, I think we're all scared to know. We like feeling the satisfaction of knowing what the next day will bring, but I don't think anyone would be able to handle knowing what will happen everyday. It would help, but it would be the most terrifying thing. You would always be waiting.

One day I hope everything makes sense. I hope that one day she explains everything to me. The reasons behind what she has been doing. Nothing makes sense right now, but I still have hope.

Oh, I just don't know where to begin

I usually never say this, but I am extremely proud of myself. I have just begun to work hard and finish everything I want to, which is good and bad in a sence. It's good because I slesyd knew I could I just never did. It's bad because school is almost over, and it's to bad this new part of me didn't come out sooner.

I am done my Drivers ed class, I am done my Co-op summative, also done a Co-op assignment, close to finishing an english essay and assignment. Everythings falling into place. Now that I've buckled down and commited to my work everything seems so easy. I rarely tell myself that I'm doing a good job, but for once in my life I am so so pround of everything that I'm doing. I can feel myself growing up, being more commited. I'm going to finish off the school year with great marks, and when next year starts I'm going to remember how good this felt. I'm just beginning though because during the summer I'm volunteering at CHEO again and it is going to be amazing. Something about being at CHEO and working with the people there makes me feel like I've finally found something I'm good at. I'm more confident now then ever about my choices for the future.

It's funny how just being around great people can have such an impact on your life. So yeah today fiana and I had our last day of drivers ed, it was the longest day ever. But we're both really glad its over and done with.

19 days until I leave for my cruise! Mediterranean cruise! Also It's going to be great because my dad is meeting us in rome to go on the crusie with us. He is so excited to be getting away from all the work in Afghanistan. We've started to pack already because my mom also has to bring clothes for my dad because he wasn't allowed to take any clothes with him just his uniform. I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that my sister can make it through 2 weeks with us. It's putting my mom and me under alot of stress because we don't know if she's going to have one of her outburst while we're on the ship or not. There are places on the ship designated for smoking, so that makes it a little better. The last vacation we brought her on she ended up wanting to go home before we even made it to where we were going. So everyone please cross your fingers for me.