I forgot how to breathe.

We all get that feeling every now and then, when the world feels like its closing in on us, and everything that could go wrong has. I'm stuck. As hard as I try, I just keep getting pulled back into this hole of depression. I don't know if you can call it depression exactly. Its more like anger. It's this on going feeling of regret, and it's punishing me.

Slowly, my well orchestrated "body" has stopped working. I am the lungs. Some days I wish I wasn't. The lungs is a big responsibility to be given. The lungs have to communicate and get oxygen through to the rest of the body, but in order to do that they have to be able to tell the rest of the body if there having any problems. For the lungs that's a hard thing to do. The lungs don't always know where to begin.

Right now there having alot of problems, and because all these problems have been building up, its become to much for the lungs to handle. The lungs are collapsing. They realize that they need the rest of the body to support them and get them up and running again. They're just not sure if they can reach out.

Without the heart the lungs wouldn't be able to use their oxygen. Without the brain the lungs wouldn't know how to send the oxygen to the body. Without the bones there would be nothing holding the lungs in place. The lungs know all to well that they need the body more then anything, sometimes they just forget.

Sometimes it's easier to stop breathing, then to learn how to all over again.

I would give anything to be you.

I let people run my life. Insignificant people, who in the end don't even matter. In reality we can't stop wondering what others think of us. It's a curse. We're always concerned that people don't like us, or don't approve of us. I walk through school and hold my head down, thinking to myself as I walk, " god I wonder what people are thinking, do they hate me? are they laughing at me?" I can't help it. I limit myself. I limit what I'm capable of, afraid that maybe someone will disapprove. I plan everything out in my head, down to the very last conversation I have. Before I speak, I analyze it in my head. What will they say? What will they be thinking? A million questions fly through my head every time I say hi to someone in the hall.

I want to be able to get up in the morning and not plan my outfit and the way I do my hair around what I think people want to see. I don't take chances. I wear safe clothes, clothes I think everyone will approve of. I only ever wear my hair down because I think it will hide me from the judgemental world. Everything I do is based upon what I think the opinions of others are.

I wish I was one of those people that had the confidence to say, "screw them". Wear what I want. Act like I want. Be who I want. How wonderful would a world be where you didn't have to meet other peoples standards. Where you didn't have to worry about the thoughts of others.

I know people like that exist. People who just do what they want. I want to know how they find the courage to do that. I've been holding my head down for 6 years now, ever since we stopped playing games at recess and started ridiculing others. No one's ever good enough. I changed myself, I'm still changing myself just so people will look at me and not hate what they see. I've never actually gone out and just been myself. I've always tried to please others. I'm always trying to meet this invisible standard that everyone has.

I always tell myself before I go to bed, "tomorrows the day, I'm just going to get up, wear what I want, and throw my hair up in a ponytail." Of course I wake up the net morning and start all over. Before I leave the house I make sure I look how i did the day before, just so I blend in better. I never change anything because I'm afraid that it will draw attention to me.

I walk through the hallways and don't really smile. Some people think I'm doing it because I'm stuck up, and rude. What people don't realize is I'm more insecure then they could ever know.
I wish those people could see this blog. I wish they would understand.

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

I had a dream, and I remember it, that's very rare for me.
So I'm not sure how my dream started out but I remember the middle part so that's what I'll share with all of you. The first thing I remember in my dream is being on the bus going to Christie lake, for those of you who don't know that's a camp we go every year with the school to clean up. We were on our way to the camp and when we got there we realized out of everything that we had brought we forgot a tent. So we went around asking everyone if they had a tent for. Finally one of the teachers told us he had a 10 person tent that we could use. So as we began to put up the tent I stopped and realized that my mom wasn't there. Ok for the part of my dream you have to know that I've gone to Christie lake the last two years, and this is the first year I'm bringing my mom along. Also you have to know that every time I do bring my mom on something like this I always get super stressed and worry about her the whole time.

Ok so in my dream for some reason I had completely forgotten that my mom was even suppose to come. I just stood by the half built tent scared and worried. So I ran over to one of the houses and tried making a phone call on my cell. I finally got a hold of her and told her that Christie lake was today, and she didn't know that. So then she said that she was going to start driving down now.

That was fine but I was still worried because it was getting dark. I went back out to see how the tent was doing, and this is the weird part of my dream. I go back out and fiana, san, and maleeha were building a rock tent. They had found boulders and rocks and were building walls for the tent. I went up to them and I asked them what they were doing I thought we had found a tent already? And San stops and says, " yeah we put that one up but we didn't like it because it was a bright yellow colour and people were staring." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And then my dream skipped a scene or two because the next thing that happened was my mom was there and I had convinced San that yellow was ok.

Then we all started getting in the tent, but my mom started telling us how she didn't want to sleep in the tent. So we started arguing about it and thats when I woke up.

Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

I'm sitting in the library and I'm eating a kinder egg surprise, and it's so frigging good. I've been craving one for the longest time so today after co-op I made my mom buy me some. Then I had to go the the doctors, not fun.

I used to get annoyed when my friends would talk about their ex's and how when they see them they want to go hide under a rock, but now that I'm the person doing the hiding it makes more sense. It's terrible. The way that the person makes you feel. How I don't even feel comfortable walking through school anymore. It feels like all eyes are on me because they know something I don't. Like if he's talking behind my back, and theres rumors going around. I think that's the worst thing that could even happen. If there were rumors going around about what happened and I'm the only one that doesn't know.

I know, I'm probably over reacting and my friends are going to read this and say the same thing they do all the time. There gonna say, he's a loser anyways and has no friends, and he's ugly. I know all that, but still it doesn't matter how ugly and stupid the person is, people will still believe there lies. Uggghhhhh, what ever a year and three months left and I never have to deal with these people again.

On a more happy note, as I was sitting in the doctors office waiting to go in, I was reading a magazine and looking at all the pretty dresses. And it got me thinking about next year and prom and graduation. Hopefully it will be great because I don't want to be one of those adults who regrets going and had the worst time ever. I want it to be the highlight of my teen years. I want to be able to tell the story of my prom to my kids and be proud of how it turned out. So yeah back to looking at the dresses. I cant wait until I get to buy my dress! On the other hand its going to be nerve racking. I'm so bad at making decisions, especially when it comes to important things like this. For example, it took me 6 months of shopping every weekend to find my grade 8 grad dress, and that's not even a very special event. PROM! That's special. So me and my mom decided today that we were going to start looking around now. First we're going to look here in Ottawa and maybe Montreal to get some ideas. Then we're going to go to New york and hopefully I'll be able to decide on one.

Ok that's all for now. I'm going to look at pictures of prom dresses now :)

Carma's a bitch.

I don't need this. I'm trying to deal with all my family issues, and worrying about my dad. I don't need to come to school everyday and find out your talking shit about me. This is over, move on with your pathetic life already. I never seen a group of people act so pathetic before. You and your so called friends need to find something better to talk about. You broke up with me! I should be the one talking shit, but I'm not! I didn't do anything to you that would give you the right to do this.

You know what I'm going through right now, and you still wanna make it hard on me! On top of that your not just talking about me with your close friends, your talking to people that you know I hate and you don't even like them! WHY! It's none of there business!

I hate you. I can say that now and know its the truth. I've never met someone that could turn around so fast and be so mean to someone that they honestly liked before. You surprised me, and now I hate you. Your to self confident people hate you! Your not as cool as you think and you need to realize that. I hope you grow up and Carma comes back and slaps you in the face. One day you'll wake up and your life will suck. I hope that day comes soon.

My Hero, my dad.

4 more soldiers were killed in Afghanistan.

My dads in charge of all the paper work and stuff when a soldier dies, so when I think about what he's going through I start to cry because when ever my dad is upset or having a rough time I just hug him and I wait for him to sigh and relax. I can't hug him. I cant wait for him to sigh. I can't hold on to him.

I know he's over there doing what he always dreamed of doing, but I can't help but think that he's going to change. What if he comes back and he's not the same person. When he calls on sundays I can hear it in his voice. He's sad, and lonely. He's my dad, he's suppose to be happy and strong. He's always been amazing, I want him to come back the same person. War changes people, but I want to believe that my dad is strong enough to over come that. He's helped us through so much, he's been the support system for this family for so long that if he wasn't strong there's no way we would be.

Come home safe!

Who needs a prince charming anyways.

Yesterday I spent the day with Maleeha and fiana. Maleeha and I took the bus to the mall so she could drop something off to her co-workers. Then we went to rogers and blockbuster and rented a total of 6 disney movies. When we got home we walked over and got fiana. As we were starting our movie marathon we ordered amazing pizza, then sat down to begin our day of leisure. We watched three movies, Pocahontas, Happily N'Ever After and Barbie of Swan Lake. After those three we decided to hold off on watching the rest till our sleepover later in the week.

While watching our last movie, Happily N'Ever After, I couldn't help but think who really wants a prince charming anyways. The movie was about how in fairy tale world, the scales of good and evil got taken over by the wicked step mother, so evil was taking over. But as Cinderella was trying to find her prince charming to save the day, right infront of her was an ordinary guy that loved her and was ready to save her. She was to rapped up in the idea of having her prince charming that she couldnt see how amazing this guy was. I think thats what most girls in real life do as well. We're to worried about finding that one amazing 'prince charming' that when a really great guy comes along we miss out on it because we have this idea that theres only one prince charming out there. In hte end of the movie she does end up with the ordinary guy, which made us happy. The movie speaks true in another way aswell because in the movie prince charming really didnt have a personality at all he was realy dumb and just had good looks. Thats true in real life as well, us girls we look for the good looking guys, but most of the time the realy good looking guys arent even worth getting to know. They don't have a personality to go along with there great hair and good body.

So next time your chasing your prince charming stop and look around because the guy thats meant to sweep you off your feet might be right infront of you.