I would give anything to be you.

I let people run my life. Insignificant people, who in the end don't even matter. In reality we can't stop wondering what others think of us. It's a curse. We're always concerned that people don't like us, or don't approve of us. I walk through school and hold my head down, thinking to myself as I walk, " god I wonder what people are thinking, do they hate me? are they laughing at me?" I can't help it. I limit myself. I limit what I'm capable of, afraid that maybe someone will disapprove. I plan everything out in my head, down to the very last conversation I have. Before I speak, I analyze it in my head. What will they say? What will they be thinking? A million questions fly through my head every time I say hi to someone in the hall.

I want to be able to get up in the morning and not plan my outfit and the way I do my hair around what I think people want to see. I don't take chances. I wear safe clothes, clothes I think everyone will approve of. I only ever wear my hair down because I think it will hide me from the judgemental world. Everything I do is based upon what I think the opinions of others are.

I wish I was one of those people that had the confidence to say, "screw them". Wear what I want. Act like I want. Be who I want. How wonderful would a world be where you didn't have to meet other peoples standards. Where you didn't have to worry about the thoughts of others.

I know people like that exist. People who just do what they want. I want to know how they find the courage to do that. I've been holding my head down for 6 years now, ever since we stopped playing games at recess and started ridiculing others. No one's ever good enough. I changed myself, I'm still changing myself just so people will look at me and not hate what they see. I've never actually gone out and just been myself. I've always tried to please others. I'm always trying to meet this invisible standard that everyone has.

I always tell myself before I go to bed, "tomorrows the day, I'm just going to get up, wear what I want, and throw my hair up in a ponytail." Of course I wake up the net morning and start all over. Before I leave the house I make sure I look how i did the day before, just so I blend in better. I never change anything because I'm afraid that it will draw attention to me.

I walk through the hallways and don't really smile. Some people think I'm doing it because I'm stuck up, and rude. What people don't realize is I'm more insecure then they could ever know.
I wish those people could see this blog. I wish they would understand.