No one ever lives the life they want.

I want a change. I want excitement.

Now I have to wait one month to attempt something exciting because no one can do anything truly exciting if they have braces. One month and I get a retainer, then a month after that I get invisiline.

When I started this school year I was sick of it before it even began. Every year is the same, its so routine. When the second semester started I was so happy because I was starting my co-op at CHEO, but now that has become just as routine as everything else in my life. Get up every morning go there for three hours, get picked up, change in the car, eat something, get dropped off at school. Everyday it's almost like I cant escape. Everyday is the same bullshit over and over again.

It's never going to change. When high school is over I'm going to do everything I can to change it. I'm going to move. I'm going to get a job that isn't routine. I'm going to live a life someone would be proud of. Not the one I have now. I'm going to go to university and study something I want. Study something that is a joy to learn. I'm going to go to university where no one knows me. I'm going to do everything right. I'm not going to make a mistake that people will remember and hold over my head. I don't want people holding me down. I want to live.

When everything else fails, do nothing.

I've been thinking a lot lately. As we get closer and closer to our last year of high school I can't help but think whats the point. When I was younger I moved from Ottawa to Texas, and I didn't keep in touch with my friends here. Then when two years was up and it was time to move back I left all my friends I had made in Texas. Once again, I came back here and didn't keep in touch with anyone there. I loved them all, they were never fake friendships, but I think to myself, maybe that's just how I am. Maybe that's how I will always be.

Its my nature, I make close friends, because lets face it no one can make it through anything without friends. But I only branch out as much as I need to. I love my friends, all of them, I'm not trying to say that there's no point in having friends because there is. All I'm saying is when everything is over next year, I'm so afraid I will go back to my way of doing things.

As I was helping my mom rake the lawn and paint the deck today, I was in my own little world, and I loved it. I love when I can do something and not think of anything else. It feels like freedom from everything that holds me down. In my world people don't judge, people don't have standards, and people aren't jealous. Then I finished painting and I was back. Back to this world of having to please.

I'm not a stuck up person, I don't mean to be bitchy. I don't know why people can't understand that. I think it's why I choose to alienate myself. I think it's easier to let people think what they want, then spend all my time trying to change their minds. We all know that's impossible. Once someone gets an idea in their heads about someone else, it's pretty much unchangeable. I am not anti-social. When it comes to people I like I am more then happy to be social. But I am not going to waste all my time talking and being nice to people who already hate me, whats the point in that?

I am just trying to make it through the last year. I have bigger problems outside of school to deal with. I think its stupid to waste all my time trying to please the people inside those four walls. When next year is over a huge weight will be lifted.

Through the next year I want to have fun, I will go out, I will be nice, and I will keep the friends I have now, I love them, nothing will change that. I love all of them.

There is always an ending.

I forgot how to breathe.

We all get that feeling every now and then, when the world feels like its closing in on us, and everything that could go wrong has. I'm stuck. As hard as I try, I just keep getting pulled back into this hole of depression. I don't know if you can call it depression exactly. Its more like anger. It's this on going feeling of regret, and it's punishing me.

Slowly, my well orchestrated "body" has stopped working. I am the lungs. Some days I wish I wasn't. The lungs is a big responsibility to be given. The lungs have to communicate and get oxygen through to the rest of the body, but in order to do that they have to be able to tell the rest of the body if there having any problems. For the lungs that's a hard thing to do. The lungs don't always know where to begin.

Right now there having alot of problems, and because all these problems have been building up, its become to much for the lungs to handle. The lungs are collapsing. They realize that they need the rest of the body to support them and get them up and running again. They're just not sure if they can reach out.

Without the heart the lungs wouldn't be able to use their oxygen. Without the brain the lungs wouldn't know how to send the oxygen to the body. Without the bones there would be nothing holding the lungs in place. The lungs know all to well that they need the body more then anything, sometimes they just forget.

Sometimes it's easier to stop breathing, then to learn how to all over again.

I would give anything to be you.

I let people run my life. Insignificant people, who in the end don't even matter. In reality we can't stop wondering what others think of us. It's a curse. We're always concerned that people don't like us, or don't approve of us. I walk through school and hold my head down, thinking to myself as I walk, " god I wonder what people are thinking, do they hate me? are they laughing at me?" I can't help it. I limit myself. I limit what I'm capable of, afraid that maybe someone will disapprove. I plan everything out in my head, down to the very last conversation I have. Before I speak, I analyze it in my head. What will they say? What will they be thinking? A million questions fly through my head every time I say hi to someone in the hall.

I want to be able to get up in the morning and not plan my outfit and the way I do my hair around what I think people want to see. I don't take chances. I wear safe clothes, clothes I think everyone will approve of. I only ever wear my hair down because I think it will hide me from the judgemental world. Everything I do is based upon what I think the opinions of others are.

I wish I was one of those people that had the confidence to say, "screw them". Wear what I want. Act like I want. Be who I want. How wonderful would a world be where you didn't have to meet other peoples standards. Where you didn't have to worry about the thoughts of others.

I know people like that exist. People who just do what they want. I want to know how they find the courage to do that. I've been holding my head down for 6 years now, ever since we stopped playing games at recess and started ridiculing others. No one's ever good enough. I changed myself, I'm still changing myself just so people will look at me and not hate what they see. I've never actually gone out and just been myself. I've always tried to please others. I'm always trying to meet this invisible standard that everyone has.

I always tell myself before I go to bed, "tomorrows the day, I'm just going to get up, wear what I want, and throw my hair up in a ponytail." Of course I wake up the net morning and start all over. Before I leave the house I make sure I look how i did the day before, just so I blend in better. I never change anything because I'm afraid that it will draw attention to me.

I walk through the hallways and don't really smile. Some people think I'm doing it because I'm stuck up, and rude. What people don't realize is I'm more insecure then they could ever know.
I wish those people could see this blog. I wish they would understand.

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

I had a dream, and I remember it, that's very rare for me.
So I'm not sure how my dream started out but I remember the middle part so that's what I'll share with all of you. The first thing I remember in my dream is being on the bus going to Christie lake, for those of you who don't know that's a camp we go every year with the school to clean up. We were on our way to the camp and when we got there we realized out of everything that we had brought we forgot a tent. So we went around asking everyone if they had a tent for. Finally one of the teachers told us he had a 10 person tent that we could use. So as we began to put up the tent I stopped and realized that my mom wasn't there. Ok for the part of my dream you have to know that I've gone to Christie lake the last two years, and this is the first year I'm bringing my mom along. Also you have to know that every time I do bring my mom on something like this I always get super stressed and worry about her the whole time.

Ok so in my dream for some reason I had completely forgotten that my mom was even suppose to come. I just stood by the half built tent scared and worried. So I ran over to one of the houses and tried making a phone call on my cell. I finally got a hold of her and told her that Christie lake was today, and she didn't know that. So then she said that she was going to start driving down now.

That was fine but I was still worried because it was getting dark. I went back out to see how the tent was doing, and this is the weird part of my dream. I go back out and fiana, san, and maleeha were building a rock tent. They had found boulders and rocks and were building walls for the tent. I went up to them and I asked them what they were doing I thought we had found a tent already? And San stops and says, " yeah we put that one up but we didn't like it because it was a bright yellow colour and people were staring." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And then my dream skipped a scene or two because the next thing that happened was my mom was there and I had convinced San that yellow was ok.

Then we all started getting in the tent, but my mom started telling us how she didn't want to sleep in the tent. So we started arguing about it and thats when I woke up.