Here’s my hand and my heart, It’s yours to take.

With all my life issues at the moment, I need this more then anything.
Valentines Day is coming and it's my first Valentines Day where I'm actually with someone. Every other valentines day I've been one of those angry bitter people that hates everyone else for being all happy and in love, but this year I've switched sides. I can't wait for it to get here. I want it to be special because it is after all my first valentines day, and first real relationship.

Me and Said are going out to dinner, then back to my house. He's getting me something, and I'm really excited because he got me really good presents on Christmas and I kinda knew what they were, so this time I'm twice as excited because I have no idea what its going to be.

This whole thing with said is going better then I ever expected. He's more then just my boyfriend. He's the person I go to when I'm upset, mad or nervous. He calms me down when ever I'm over exaggerating. He takes the time to talk to me and listen to my concerns. He moves at my pace and never acts like a jerk. When I'm with him it feels like nothing can go wrong. I just love being with him, and how he always makes me feel important. I know that sounds corny but its true.

I know alot of people look at Said and don't think much of him (which pisses me off more then anything!!!), but I look at him and see everything I ever wanted. He likes all the same things i do, we have no problem talking, which is huge for me because I usually have a really difficult time talking to guys. He makes me laugh and also can be serious when I need him to be. He just understands me so well and thats all I ever wanted. What we have is really strong because even before I realized I liked him he was there. When ever i needed to talk to anyone he was always there. We started talking almost two years ago and ever since then he's been my arm to lean on. His friendship meant everything to me, and now this relationship means so much.

Nine moths I'll never get back.

I've never been so lonely, it's like when he left he took half my heart to Afghanistan with him. Nine months is way to long to be apart from the one guy in my life that has never ever let me fall. I can't even put into words how much this is hurting me. I've lost something and it's hurting more then I've ever hurt before.

He's actually gone. I keep repeating that to myself every few minutes just because I need to keep reminding myself that he's not right downstairs. For the first time in my life he's not there to hold me in his arms and tell me everythings going to be ok. He was the person I went to for stuff like this. If I was broken inside he'd know just what to do to fix it.

I have this urge to run downstairs and check if he's there. Every night before I go to bed I go down stairs just to get a hug from him to know I'm safe and it's ok to go to sleep.

I just realized what I lost. The safe feeling I took for granted. I want to feel safe again.

Please come home safe.

Its ok you can go, I won't be mad.

The show Greys Anatomy is incredibly moving in so many ways!
The actors are amazing, and the scenarios they play out are so touching because they actually do happen in real life. Not to the glamorous extent of the show, but they do happen.

Tonight's episode was truly the best one yet. As i was watching it I just kept running through my head so many different things. I started thinking about my own life and how I'm dealing with it, then I thought about how I would react if I was in some of the situations they get them selves in. And then I started thinking of how my life is going to play out, because to be honest I don't picture myself in the future. I cant imagine what my life's going to be like. I try really hard to think up what its going to be like in 5 years and I cant do it.

A month ago I thought i wanted to be a psychologist but recently i changed my mind and decided it wasn't for me. Now I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do after High school. Its scary not knowing. It feels like I'll run out of time and the next year and half will go by to quick and I'll be stuck trying to make a decision. Then I'll end up making one that I don't really want. I hate that feeling, when you get a pain in your stomach that feels like the world is pressing down on it. Its like this sinking feeling when you cant breath. I get it a lot, usually when something major hits me really fast. I got it when I was starting high school. I got it when i drank alcohol for the first time. I got it when I took my first exam. I got it when my dad told me he was going to Afghanistan. And now I have it because a television show made me think of my future.

I think of all these things and then I just want them all to disapear, life isn't simple. Everyone says they want a simpler life, but i dont think anyone really means it. I know I dont, life would be boring without all the difficult things along the way. We all suffer and we all say we hate it, and you do, you hate that exact moment. There are a ton of moments that i hated, but there done and over with, but in the future there will be more, and maybe I'll suffer a little more to. I hope that my life does play out good, even though i cant imagine it.

Also tonight me and maleeha reached a new level in our friendship. As we were both watching the end of Grey's we called eachother and were both crying our eyes out because the show had touched us more then any other show. It was a touching moment as we both sat half crying half laughing on the phone to eachtoher. To know that I have a friend that I can go from crying to laughing with is a nice feeling. Thank you hunny<3>

One step ahead,

Ok so I'm sitting in the library next to you know who ;)

and as much as I want to jump over and start kissing him i cant because a grade ten class just walked in here, shitty i know. Whatever maybe I can kiss him later when its just the two of us. I find when he's around people, he's very loud and obnoxious and i don't really like it because I'm the complete opposite. I know poeple say opposites attract, but I dont personally think that works. I find it very awkward when he's being loud and I'm next to him because it brings attention to us and then i look dumb. And this parts for maleeha, my boyfriend won't stop talking to brennan! wow this is awkward :S

So far this is a very bad day, i feel like shit, and for the first time in a long time I scrunched my hair and it feels really really ugly! I am never doing it again! Its wierd because when i left the house this morning i felt good! I think its just because I find school very stressful and no matter whats happening i hate being here. I just cant wait till second period I get to start my co-op and I'm not here every morning till 11:30, its going to be amazing i only have to suffer through the afternoons. Although I will probably miss all my girls, and Said, i still cant wait.

Just a couple more weeks and I'm free, and it will feel like I'm only going to school part time! OMG every time I think about it I get so excited!! Hopefully I like my co-op I'm doing it at the Civic Hospital, should be fun. I met the two ladies I'll be working with and they're really nice. I hope I dont disappoint them.

Thats all for now, I'm going to try and convince said to walk around with me, because, ok this is for maleeha and fiana, I still feel like I did yesterday afternoon, oh you two know what I'm talking about ;)

Dare to be different,

I've never been so stressed in my whole life.
As we were finishing school last year I cant even count how many people told me not to worry because they said 11th grade was easier. UHHHMMM NO! This is the hardest year so far, and its not even the second semester! I'm trying to do everything I can so I don't fail math, and on top of that I'm also trying not to fail accounting, even though I didn't even want to take accounting!!! FUCK!

I hate this, I mean its hard enough to go to school and try and get good grades, but we also have to go to school and deal with other peoples fucking drama! I mean its your own drama why go spreading it to the whole frigging school. All you hear in our hallways is, "oh wow shes a slut" "god that girls a bitch" " I'm gonna beat the shit out of her" Those three quotes I heard with my own ears today. Its ridiculous, not everyone in the world has time for your stupid problems. How is anyone suppose to concentrate with that shit going on.

Sometimes I wish I were home schooled, do you realize how much easier that would be, yes I am aware that I probably wouldnt have many friends, but who cares I also wouldnt have to deal with other people distracting me all the time, like fuck off for once!

Yes for my firends that are reading this, I know I talk shit about people every now and then, but other people just take it way to far!! Do you really have to talk about the same grade nine everyday!! I mena all you say all day long is how their a grade nine and there nothing, well if there nothing then why do you spend all your time talking about them!

Ok just had to get that little rant off my chest, thanks for reading!

Live life with no regret,

I never wrote a blog about the new year being hear. Weird, considering 2008 had to be the biggest and scariest year ever. It was the year of many firsts, many things that I would love to go back and redo. A part of me is glad its over but another part of me is glad I went through all the trials and errors because I learned a lot of valuable lessons. I am satisfied with the outcome of the year, despite a few obstacles that i could have done without, it was a very fulfilling year. I learned things that I will keep with me forever, and things that will remind me to stay on the right road. It was ruff but we all made it through.

Sometimes when I look back I realize how far we've come, and how far we still have to go. Its scary but at the same time its exhilarating. I started the new year off better then I thought I was going to. I stopped drinking, which is huge for me! I am working harder in school. I am happier with who I am. And to top it off I'm in a great relationship.

Hope you all have a great year!

The best is yet to come,

When we're sitting all alone in my basement and you gently touch my hand, its like nothing I have ever felt before. Freedom, peace, contentment. All you have to do is kiss me on the cheek and I'm lost in our world. You seem to be happy with me, watching a movie in my basement, or going to dinner with my parents, no matter what it is you never complain. When I glance over at you and your smiling, I get mesmorized by your gorgeous brown eyes. "Your mine", I repeat that to myself because I need to reasure myself that its real. Your real, and its an amazing feeling to know that when I need you your right there beside me to hold my hand and wipe my tears.

It's no longer an untouchable dream. For so long I waited for you, unsure of what I felt. At first you were just a friend, and then without even realizing it you quickly turned into so much more. You inspire me to try, to be outgoing, to think of what I really want.

You're my dream come true.