What to do...

Ok so I have a spare now, and I'm sitting in the library doing nothing. I cant help but notice that most people in teh libary sit here and do nothing. Like most teachers if you ask them to go work in the library then they let you because they think its the library so obviously your gonna work, but what they dont know is that everyone just comes to the library and either play games or talk to there friends. As i write on this theres a guy getting kicked out of the library because he's alos on a spare but unlike me he's being very annoying.

I always love spares though because its just an excuse to either sit like a loner or leave the school without getting in trouble. I'm choosing to sit like a loner and write on my blog. I realized that its what I'm good at, just sitting and being a loser. Alot of people ask me why I'm being such a loner, and i just reply. i don't know. When really my reason is i just like it, being a loser and not talking to anyone is fun.

Today's been a pretty good day, I got a drive to school and then went to Tim Horton's for breakfast with Maleeha and Oliva, instead of going to first period. Then got back and went to parenting which is always a super fun class. After that had lunch and lunch is always the same so that was ok. Now I have my spare and its actually amazing that my spares now because math is usually my hardest class so now no stress today. After my spares over I will have anthro and that's fine because that's a pretty easy class to. So all in all today no complaints.

Oh and the best part of my day is gonna be going to saunders farm at 430 after school. It's going to be me, fiana, olivia, jamie, maleeha, and said going. So it should be interesting. I love halloween and everything to do with halloween :D

I'll blog tomorrow about saunders!

It's raining, it's pouring...

I didn't realize that i had so much to think about until I decided tonight to go for a long walk in the rain. I walked for about an hour in complete silence, except for the rain hitting my face and the wind blowing the trees. It was amazingly awkward because I've never been able to hear my thoughts so clearly. As i walked i thought about a thousand different things, and for once it wasn't hard to just think and do nothing else.

I think everyone should take a walk in the rain, speaking metaphorically, it does alot of good. I don't mean do what i did, its not necessary to go out and walk in the freezing rain just to get a few moments to think. I just think that if you take a little bit of time to just think, its much better then keeping everything bottled up at the back of your mind.

One of the main things I thought about is how I'm going to handle the nine months that my dads gone. Its been on my mind for a while. Right now he's gone for his training exercises and I know he'll be back in a few weeks but i still miss him like crazy.When he actually leaves, and I start to miss him after his third month of being gone, i cant really tell myself he'll be back in a few weeks. The main thing i miss when my dads gone is his hugs and his phone calls. When he's here, he usually calls every morning. Its gonna be the hardest nine months of my life. I'll probably end up going crazy, or maybe I'll just spend a hell of alot of time in the rain.

Another thing I thought about is how stupid some people can be. Seriously, some people can be really stupid. Theres a situation that occurring between my group of friends and for some reason one person in particular is making the whole situation ten times worse then it ever had to be. I forgave certain people, and I'm moving on from the whole dilemma, so why cant everyone else. I know after you fight with someone it cant go back to being exactly how it was, unless your super close with that person, but you can at least try and be civil for everyone else involved. I admit I can be stubborn at times and i usually have to have the last word, but in this situation I let it go because I realized there was no point to it.

The point to my blog entry is that everyone needs a little rain once in a while.

I'm tongue tied and terrified.

I feel like my worlds collapsing and you don't really care.
I only have one thing in my life that keeps me from falling, and that is being able to tell my best friends everything, and you being the one that has caused me to be so miserable in the past, have taken that ability away from me.

I console in them for everything, and today mom sat beside me as we drove to the mall and told me something about you and your fucked up life, and then after she was finished she told me to promise her not to tell them, all because of you!

I'm stuck with my fears and troubles because your stupid and cant get your life together! I'm always the one suffering from your stupid choices! You cant understand what a burden you have laid on my shoulders for the past 2 years.

I could never hate you, but I sure as fuck hate what you've become!

Lyrics to I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About :
By Mayday Parade<3>
And we both go down together
we'd stay there forever
just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
and never let go

well i'm thinking of the worst things
that i could say to you
but a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore
and this never will be right with me
and now you're trying to desperately
but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say

and then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go

i could only sing you sad songs
and you could sing along
and you could see the melody
that's been calling out your wrongs
and this never will be right with me
and now you're trying to desperately
but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say
but i never told you everything
i'm losing hope and fading dreams
and every single memory along the way

and then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go

and we both go down together
and stay there forever
just try to get up

and then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go.


I think this could be my new favourite song, it describes my situation perfectly.

I wish I could run too.

You uttered the words, I knew were gonna kill me.
You sat down stairs, while she screamed from the bedroom.
A fight like all the rest, only this time it lead to something different, because now our situation is different. Now you have something to say that will surely kill us all. As she screamed at you, like she usually does, this time you screamed back louder then usual. This time you had a new found courage, that was strong enough to rip my heart out. Of course, the fight was about how petty she is, and how you dont care one way or the other. You swore, she swore, then it was silent. She slammed the door thinking it was over, but i guess you didnt think so. Right when i was trying to hold my tears back, you used the dreaded excuse you now hold in your posestion. You screamed loud enough for her to hear you, " Maybe I'll just stay in afghanistan".

What were you thinking, how could you use that. You know how its killing her to be away from you, and instead of caring, you stab us where it hurts. Oh, i thought you were better then that, how cruel you chose to be. Never before did I ever hear such a horible statement.

I hate the fact that you now have something, that can burn, like nothing has ever before. I hate this, I hate whats happening, I hate what your doing, and most of all i hate that your leaving. I want to tell you how its killing me, i want to let you know that it'll never be the same. Some how i think you know it's not going to be the same when you get back, but a huge part of you doesnt care. You just want to get away from here, from us, from this terrible life we live.

I want to get away to, but you dont see me running.

I don't think rules were meant to be broken.

I’ve done something that I’m not proud of. I’ve broken rules that were set for me not only by myself, but also by others around me. I swore to the people in my life that I wouldn’t do certain things, and yet here I am finding myself doing every last thing I said I wouldn’t. I promised myself I wouldn’t follow in my sisters burnt out shadow, but now today I find myself doing everything she was doing one year ago to this day.

I’ve changed, without knowing it, and apart of me wants to change back, but then the other part of me likes my new found freedom. I told myself last year, while I sat watching my sister change, that no matter what went on in my life I would never change like she has. Now I find myself changing faster then she did, and I know that it has to stop before I go over and beyond my boundaries.

Some how I can see my mistakes, but there’s something stopping me from actually going back. I want to be able to go back, but not all the way back, before I started to follow her I wasn’t what I wanted to be. Now more then ever I feel closer to me, and not the other me, does that make sense.

Its going to take everything I have bottled up inside of me to be able to stop dead in my tracks, before I cross the same line she did, because unlike her I want to be able to stand on the side that I’m on now, but just be able to grasp the reality of the other side she loves so much. She cant come over to the side I still stand on, and that’s what I’m afraid of. I want both of us to be able to be on the side I plan to stay on, but as hard as I try I cant pull her back far enough so she can take that first step back. There’s nothing I want more then to have her back next to me, I think the only reason I wanted to taste the fantasy of her reality was because I wanted to be closer to her.

I have to make her realize that fantasy is not reality, but merely a myth of what we want it to be.

It wasn't just a dream.

Well I've been holding off on writing on my blog for a while, just because the last time I hurried to write about something important, it quickly went from "to perfect" to "disastrous". The last three weeks of my life, i could definitely have done without.

I wish I could erase most of it, but i cant. So I'll just have to deal with it, and that's ok because I have already decided that the person that caused the last three weeks of my life to be miserable was a huge mistake. But I'm the one that made the mistake because i knew from the beginning that he always hurts me in the end. I don't know why I thought this time was going to be different.

Oh, but back to the reason why i didn't want to write on my blog right away. I didn't want to jinx the one thing that is actually going good in my life right now. Also i want to wait and see if it was going anywhere, and i think it could be. So i just couldn't wait any longer to write it all down.

OK so for my frequent readers (chitra, maleeha) before "the mistake" i was talking about another boy in my life that could or might end up going somewhere. I guess i needed "the mistake" to happen to realize what i wanted, and now i know. I'm happy liking the likable. The boy I'm currently falling for is everything "the mistake" wasn't. He's likable, and sweet, and unlike "the mistake" he takes me places and tells me how pretty I am, and treats me like i deserve it.

When i look in this boys big dark brown eyes, i realize that they look soft and gentle, his eyes tell me that he's going to try not to hurt me to bad. Then I cant help but think about "the mistakes" eyes and how deep and dark they were, and how his eyes screamed everything i didn't want to hear.

I'm going to continue liking the likable, as long as the likable doesn't turn around and become the opposite of what i want. So far nothings gone wrong, but in my life that just means give it time something will eventually go terribly wrong.