I don't think rules were meant to be broken.

I’ve done something that I’m not proud of. I’ve broken rules that were set for me not only by myself, but also by others around me. I swore to the people in my life that I wouldn’t do certain things, and yet here I am finding myself doing every last thing I said I wouldn’t. I promised myself I wouldn’t follow in my sisters burnt out shadow, but now today I find myself doing everything she was doing one year ago to this day.

I’ve changed, without knowing it, and apart of me wants to change back, but then the other part of me likes my new found freedom. I told myself last year, while I sat watching my sister change, that no matter what went on in my life I would never change like she has. Now I find myself changing faster then she did, and I know that it has to stop before I go over and beyond my boundaries.

Some how I can see my mistakes, but there’s something stopping me from actually going back. I want to be able to go back, but not all the way back, before I started to follow her I wasn’t what I wanted to be. Now more then ever I feel closer to me, and not the other me, does that make sense.

Its going to take everything I have bottled up inside of me to be able to stop dead in my tracks, before I cross the same line she did, because unlike her I want to be able to stand on the side that I’m on now, but just be able to grasp the reality of the other side she loves so much. She cant come over to the side I still stand on, and that’s what I’m afraid of. I want both of us to be able to be on the side I plan to stay on, but as hard as I try I cant pull her back far enough so she can take that first step back. There’s nothing I want more then to have her back next to me, I think the only reason I wanted to taste the fantasy of her reality was because I wanted to be closer to her.

I have to make her realize that fantasy is not reality, but merely a myth of what we want it to be.