Wake up to reality.

I think its so ridiculous. We spend over a month getting ready for one day, Christmas. Everyone does it, everyone goes over board for that one day. Then before you know it its the 26th of December and its done and over with. It goes by faster then any other day in the year because you spend so long waiting for it, so when it finally arrives your to excited to enjoy it.

Its so ironic though because we spend so long getting ready for one big day. Even people that have less then the average person still build up the anticipation of waking up Christmas morning. But when it comes to life itself not many people wake up everyday with the anticipation of whats to be there. In life the only time that most people wake up and want to know whats out there are on days that they know they'll get something. All the other days are simply just days that have to be woken up on.

We are a greedy civilization, we only anticipate things if we know that in the end we will have gotten something out of it for ourselves. Its just the way we have chosen to live. We are this way no matter what the circumstances, no matter how drastic the situation is, we always choose the road that leads to our own benefits.

The upside of life.

Despite my horrible outcome, and how much I hate the world i live in. There is one small thing that at this moment is keeping me standing. I have someone in my life right now that is one of the few people that isn't going to leave me anytime soon. He's amazing and i truly hope he stays around for a while.

He's a new addition to my support, because no matter how bad things get, i do know i also have my gorgeous loving girls, maleeha san and fiana. I dont see them around as much anymore though because school keeps them so busy, hopefully when everything at school calms down a bit I'll still have them.

Tonight my dad comes home.

Somehow i feel happy, but then somehow I'm also very angry. He doesn't realize how we're suffering. Yes we're happy that he's finally doing something that he's wanted for a really long time, but the longer he's gone the worse our lives become. Ever since he started leaving to go do his training my sister has gotten angrier and angrier. She's to the point where we don't even make it through a morning without her completely losing all self control.

My dads going to Afghanistan to fight a war, and we're staying here to fight our own war. That's what my home feels like now, a battle ground, and somehow my sister seems to be winning. She's controlling my mom, and I don't know how to retaliate. I have no where to hide. I come home and its hell, and then I go to school and despite how horrific being at home is, I think its better then being at school. When I go to school its like I'm fighting my way through the hallways, and i have to keep my head down in order to make it to my next class. I'm so afraid that if i raise my head up someone will have something to say and it will crush what i have left of my self esteem. I hate CW its terrifying no matter who you are. We have all these assemblies that tell people that bullying is bad and wont be tolerated. Where are all the teachers when kids are walking through the hallways and hearing negative comments directed at them.

I'm a very shy and unspoken person, so when someone says something in the halls that is about me, i don't have the guts to stand up for myself and say something, so for all the people out there like me, who's going to speak for us. Who's going to stop the rude comments and the harassment? I know that I'm going to remember high school as being a terrible, horrible place. If someone goes home every night and cries, then you know that something has to be done. I'm pretty sure that most high school students would agree, no one likes being taunted, and ridiculed. I'm talked about behind my back by older students that think they have the right to. They don't even know me! They talk about me because of my sister and because of things i did over a year ago now. I'm not the same person i was a year ago. I've changed for the better, but they wouldn't know that because their obviously stuck in the past and can't find anything better to talk about.

Some how i cant get over the fact that no matter what i say at this point, no matter how much i beg, the dreaded nine months are coming. The nine months that will change our lives. The nine months that will determine my sisters outcome. The nine months of pure horror. The nine months of loneliness.

When you hit rock bottom...

No matter how happy I am something always has to happen to make everything seem pointless.

So as of Friday I thought my life couldn't get any better, I was cuddling on the couch with a guy that couldn't be more perfect, and my mom and my sister were getting along relatively good. All sounds great right? well i thought so to, I thought it sounded to good to be true, and i was right. After Saturday night things just went down hill, well sort of. I was still happy with the guy and everything, and things were going smoothly. But as usual my sister and my mom couldn't go that long without fighting, so on Sunday there was a big fight because as always my sister did not want to go to school the next day. This sucked, because Sunday was a very important day for me, i was asked out by the boy in my life right now that honestly seems like a dream come true. He's incredibly sweet, honest, smart, generous, and unlike some people he happens to like my rather large bum.

So after Sunday i thought life was amazing, i was happy and now i have a boyfriend, but i guess theres some higher power that doesn't want to see me happy no matter what. So i wake up this morning, and the first thing i hear is my sister and my mom screaming so loud i bet the whole city heard them. It was like any other fight so i was pretty used to it, but every time they have a fight it seems to be getting worse and worse. At the end of every fight my sister ends up not going to school obviously, and that's all she wanted to gain out of the fight. Its how she always gets her way. The things she says to my mom are things that i don't think any sane person would ever say. She says things that know hurt, so she says them more and more so at the end of every fight my mom has nothing left. Its like she tries to drain every last bit of life out of my mom, and succeeds.

I try to leave my home life in the hell whole I live in because I'm trying really hard not to scrue everything up with this guy. I think he's the only good thing in my life right now, and i dont want to see that go away any time soon.

When you've hit rock bottom, you can only go up right?

Turned upside down.

I have no idea what to think.
I mean, life is so confusing, one day I think something and then for some odd reason the next day I go and do something to contradict myself. I'm such a confusing person.

Ok so theres this guy and last year and the beginning of this year I did not like him at all, because I am a very shallow person, very shallow. In all fairness, hes not the ugliest guy, but he's certainly not hot. Before now I never really gave him a chance because I just kept telling myself that he was to ugly and I never wanted to be with him. And then this year I don't know what happened, maybe I just changed and i didn't realize it, but sometime around the middle of October, him and I started hanging out, and we haven't stopped since. I might actually like him....

We have alot in common, and we have so much fun together. We like all the same movies, so its really easy for us to just sit down and spend a night watching movies. He's funny and nice, and I realized he's not the worst looking guy in the world. Just today we went shopping together (oh that's another plus, he doesn't mind shopping with me at all :D) and he was looking for some dress shirts and pants, so we went in to Tiptop and he tried on what ever I wanted him to, and he didn't even complain. Then when ever I made him try on something he really didn't like, all he would say is that he would never do this for anyone else. he's just really sweet, and i have completely changed my mind about him.

I'm a weird person like that, I mean usually I like guys that are taller then average, or guys that are kinda mysterious, but he's neither. And by some weird miracle that doesn't completely bother me.

We will see what happens, maybe He'll turn out to be the guy I always needed.