Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

I'm sitting in the library and I'm eating a kinder egg surprise, and it's so frigging good. I've been craving one for the longest time so today after co-op I made my mom buy me some. Then I had to go the the doctors, not fun.

I used to get annoyed when my friends would talk about their ex's and how when they see them they want to go hide under a rock, but now that I'm the person doing the hiding it makes more sense. It's terrible. The way that the person makes you feel. How I don't even feel comfortable walking through school anymore. It feels like all eyes are on me because they know something I don't. Like if he's talking behind my back, and theres rumors going around. I think that's the worst thing that could even happen. If there were rumors going around about what happened and I'm the only one that doesn't know.

I know, I'm probably over reacting and my friends are going to read this and say the same thing they do all the time. There gonna say, he's a loser anyways and has no friends, and he's ugly. I know all that, but still it doesn't matter how ugly and stupid the person is, people will still believe there lies. Uggghhhhh, what ever a year and three months left and I never have to deal with these people again.

On a more happy note, as I was sitting in the doctors office waiting to go in, I was reading a magazine and looking at all the pretty dresses. And it got me thinking about next year and prom and graduation. Hopefully it will be great because I don't want to be one of those adults who regrets going and had the worst time ever. I want it to be the highlight of my teen years. I want to be able to tell the story of my prom to my kids and be proud of how it turned out. So yeah back to looking at the dresses. I cant wait until I get to buy my dress! On the other hand its going to be nerve racking. I'm so bad at making decisions, especially when it comes to important things like this. For example, it took me 6 months of shopping every weekend to find my grade 8 grad dress, and that's not even a very special event. PROM! That's special. So me and my mom decided today that we were going to start looking around now. First we're going to look here in Ottawa and maybe Montreal to get some ideas. Then we're going to go to New york and hopefully I'll be able to decide on one.

Ok that's all for now. I'm going to look at pictures of prom dresses now :)

Carma's a bitch.

I don't need this. I'm trying to deal with all my family issues, and worrying about my dad. I don't need to come to school everyday and find out your talking shit about me. This is over, move on with your pathetic life already. I never seen a group of people act so pathetic before. You and your so called friends need to find something better to talk about. You broke up with me! I should be the one talking shit, but I'm not! I didn't do anything to you that would give you the right to do this.

You know what I'm going through right now, and you still wanna make it hard on me! On top of that your not just talking about me with your close friends, your talking to people that you know I hate and you don't even like them! WHY! It's none of there business!

I hate you. I can say that now and know its the truth. I've never met someone that could turn around so fast and be so mean to someone that they honestly liked before. You surprised me, and now I hate you. Your to self confident people hate you! Your not as cool as you think and you need to realize that. I hope you grow up and Carma comes back and slaps you in the face. One day you'll wake up and your life will suck. I hope that day comes soon.

My Hero, my dad.

4 more soldiers were killed in Afghanistan.

My dads in charge of all the paper work and stuff when a soldier dies, so when I think about what he's going through I start to cry because when ever my dad is upset or having a rough time I just hug him and I wait for him to sigh and relax. I can't hug him. I cant wait for him to sigh. I can't hold on to him.

I know he's over there doing what he always dreamed of doing, but I can't help but think that he's going to change. What if he comes back and he's not the same person. When he calls on sundays I can hear it in his voice. He's sad, and lonely. He's my dad, he's suppose to be happy and strong. He's always been amazing, I want him to come back the same person. War changes people, but I want to believe that my dad is strong enough to over come that. He's helped us through so much, he's been the support system for this family for so long that if he wasn't strong there's no way we would be.

Come home safe!

Who needs a prince charming anyways.

Yesterday I spent the day with Maleeha and fiana. Maleeha and I took the bus to the mall so she could drop something off to her co-workers. Then we went to rogers and blockbuster and rented a total of 6 disney movies. When we got home we walked over and got fiana. As we were starting our movie marathon we ordered amazing pizza, then sat down to begin our day of leisure. We watched three movies, Pocahontas, Happily N'Ever After and Barbie of Swan Lake. After those three we decided to hold off on watching the rest till our sleepover later in the week.

While watching our last movie, Happily N'Ever After, I couldn't help but think who really wants a prince charming anyways. The movie was about how in fairy tale world, the scales of good and evil got taken over by the wicked step mother, so evil was taking over. But as Cinderella was trying to find her prince charming to save the day, right infront of her was an ordinary guy that loved her and was ready to save her. She was to rapped up in the idea of having her prince charming that she couldnt see how amazing this guy was. I think thats what most girls in real life do as well. We're to worried about finding that one amazing 'prince charming' that when a really great guy comes along we miss out on it because we have this idea that theres only one prince charming out there. In hte end of the movie she does end up with the ordinary guy, which made us happy. The movie speaks true in another way aswell because in the movie prince charming really didnt have a personality at all he was realy dumb and just had good looks. Thats true in real life as well, us girls we look for the good looking guys, but most of the time the realy good looking guys arent even worth getting to know. They don't have a personality to go along with there great hair and good body.

So next time your chasing your prince charming stop and look around because the guy thats meant to sweep you off your feet might be right infront of you.

The three pieces that put together my life.

Today was a bad day.
I sat at home and wallowed in my self misery. As I thought back on what had happened and how it hurt me to know that he didn't care whether I cried or died. My best friend messaged me, and I told her about what had happened, she immediately texted the jerk and told him to leave me alone. That's when I realized I was ok.

I spent the whole day sitting in my basement watching TV. As I was finishing up my third episode of Sex and The City, the last line that Carrie said was " There aren't many people that will love you no matter what, I was lucky enough to find three." When I heard this I cried with relief, because I know that line defines my life. I just sat there and realized how much my three gorgeous best friends mean to me, there my everything. I can't help but think back on what we've been through together. They've been there no matter what. They were there when I didn't have the best control over myself, and they were there when I chose to drink instead of be with them. No matter how difficult I was to be around, they stuck there with me.

It's ironic that I think of all this now, and appreciate it, because on this day last year the four of us were in New York City. That trip was and always will be the highlight of my teen years. It brought us closer and taught us things we'll never forget about each other. That one week trip was a way for us to free ourselves, and realize that life can get better.

I think back on all the times we fought over small things that led into big arguments. We always found a way to get over it. We always tell each other, no matter what we're always gonna be friends, and the longer we are friends the easier that is to believe. We just keep getting closer and closer. Every time one of us is going through a rough time the others are always there. All three of them are the shoulder i lean on when i need support.

We only have one year left of high school and as we get closer to the end I keep thinking of how we've changed each other for the better. I know that when high school is over all three of them are going to go off and succeed at anything they want to do. All of them have dreams and life long goals that I know will come true. They're the three greatest people I've ever met. I could go on forever about how special they are. This isn't done in any specific order. Maleeha is ambitious, courageous, and beautiful. Fiana is lively, determined, and always looks perfect. San is confident, funny, and uniquely stunning. There are so many other qualities that define them, those are just a few.

Alcohol is my friend.

So I've been dumped, but it hasn't hurt me as much as I thought...
It happened about a week ago and I'm just blogging about it now, so that says something. I admit he did mean something to me, but not enough to sit at home crying and eating myself to death. I don't know what to think. I thought it was going good but I guess I was wrong. He was being weird for a while but he kept saying it was nothing, so finally he told me he needed to talk to me about something, so we went to the mall and BAM! it was over. So that's it, and now it's just weird because he ignores me completely at school and is really cold whenever I attempt to talk to him.

Oh well. I'm not going to waste my time with "what ifs" It's done it's over, I'll wash my hands of that. To think I gave up drinking for him!!! God I've been craving alcohol forever now.

Good news, I might be going away for march break, I really hope we do. I need to get away from the routine of Ottawa. I want something different, i want to go away for a week and feel like that's my life. That this magical beautiful adventurous place is my real life. I want to put a bikini on and go swimming, tanning, and lounging around.

I want to feel beautiful!!!!!!!

When the lights go out..

My mom called me in to look at an email she had just received from the school, and when I read it I honestly stood there in utter shock. The email stated that a grade nine girl at Cairine Wilson had committed suicide earlier this week.

There are so many things running through my mind, did I ever see her? did she see me? When something like this happens it's an eye opener, you sit in a corner and think to yourself why do things like this happen? Obviously we all know the reason, we just don't want to admit to it. We all know that this girl probably took her own life because she wasn't accepted as who she was, so she resorted to what she thought was the last option. Everyday we all make comments about people even if it's not completely intended to be an insult. We all choose to do or say things that we don't think through, we don't think about how it will affect those who are listening.

She probably heard everything people said, every whisper behind her back, every statement about who she was, but I wonder if anyone ever stopped to hear what she was saying. Maybe she was asking for help this whole time. Maybe she was screaming, but no one took the time to listen.

It makes me sit here and tear up because I am well aware of the fact that I myself have chosen to ridicule others. When something like this happens it hits you, you ask yourself why? why did I choose to say those things or glare at that person? I ask myself those things, and I honestly don't have an answer. At the time you just say things without realizing the damage your causing. It's ironic though because most people who make fun of others have been in there shoes before, I know I have. I know what its like to stand there and have someone stare at you and whisper things right in front of your face just because they don't approve of you.

I'm ashamed of myself. Tomorrow I will walk into school with my head hung down because I will be aware of all the damage that I might have caused. And I hope that many others will hold there heads down. Our school is filled with people that choose to ridicule the weak. It's wrong but we don't realize it until something like this hits us in the face.

I hope tomorrow many people feel the pain of what has taken place. My sympathy goes out to her family and friends.