Tonight my dad comes home.

Somehow i feel happy, but then somehow I'm also very angry. He doesn't realize how we're suffering. Yes we're happy that he's finally doing something that he's wanted for a really long time, but the longer he's gone the worse our lives become. Ever since he started leaving to go do his training my sister has gotten angrier and angrier. She's to the point where we don't even make it through a morning without her completely losing all self control.

My dads going to Afghanistan to fight a war, and we're staying here to fight our own war. That's what my home feels like now, a battle ground, and somehow my sister seems to be winning. She's controlling my mom, and I don't know how to retaliate. I have no where to hide. I come home and its hell, and then I go to school and despite how horrific being at home is, I think its better then being at school. When I go to school its like I'm fighting my way through the hallways, and i have to keep my head down in order to make it to my next class. I'm so afraid that if i raise my head up someone will have something to say and it will crush what i have left of my self esteem. I hate CW its terrifying no matter who you are. We have all these assemblies that tell people that bullying is bad and wont be tolerated. Where are all the teachers when kids are walking through the hallways and hearing negative comments directed at them.

I'm a very shy and unspoken person, so when someone says something in the halls that is about me, i don't have the guts to stand up for myself and say something, so for all the people out there like me, who's going to speak for us. Who's going to stop the rude comments and the harassment? I know that I'm going to remember high school as being a terrible, horrible place. If someone goes home every night and cries, then you know that something has to be done. I'm pretty sure that most high school students would agree, no one likes being taunted, and ridiculed. I'm talked about behind my back by older students that think they have the right to. They don't even know me! They talk about me because of my sister and because of things i did over a year ago now. I'm not the same person i was a year ago. I've changed for the better, but they wouldn't know that because their obviously stuck in the past and can't find anything better to talk about.

Some how i cant get over the fact that no matter what i say at this point, no matter how much i beg, the dreaded nine months are coming. The nine months that will change our lives. The nine months that will determine my sisters outcome. The nine months of pure horror. The nine months of loneliness.

When you hit rock bottom...

No matter how happy I am something always has to happen to make everything seem pointless.

So as of Friday I thought my life couldn't get any better, I was cuddling on the couch with a guy that couldn't be more perfect, and my mom and my sister were getting along relatively good. All sounds great right? well i thought so to, I thought it sounded to good to be true, and i was right. After Saturday night things just went down hill, well sort of. I was still happy with the guy and everything, and things were going smoothly. But as usual my sister and my mom couldn't go that long without fighting, so on Sunday there was a big fight because as always my sister did not want to go to school the next day. This sucked, because Sunday was a very important day for me, i was asked out by the boy in my life right now that honestly seems like a dream come true. He's incredibly sweet, honest, smart, generous, and unlike some people he happens to like my rather large bum.

So after Sunday i thought life was amazing, i was happy and now i have a boyfriend, but i guess theres some higher power that doesn't want to see me happy no matter what. So i wake up this morning, and the first thing i hear is my sister and my mom screaming so loud i bet the whole city heard them. It was like any other fight so i was pretty used to it, but every time they have a fight it seems to be getting worse and worse. At the end of every fight my sister ends up not going to school obviously, and that's all she wanted to gain out of the fight. Its how she always gets her way. The things she says to my mom are things that i don't think any sane person would ever say. She says things that know hurt, so she says them more and more so at the end of every fight my mom has nothing left. Its like she tries to drain every last bit of life out of my mom, and succeeds.

I try to leave my home life in the hell whole I live in because I'm trying really hard not to scrue everything up with this guy. I think he's the only good thing in my life right now, and i dont want to see that go away any time soon.

When you've hit rock bottom, you can only go up right?

Turned upside down.

I have no idea what to think.
I mean, life is so confusing, one day I think something and then for some odd reason the next day I go and do something to contradict myself. I'm such a confusing person.

Ok so theres this guy and last year and the beginning of this year I did not like him at all, because I am a very shallow person, very shallow. In all fairness, hes not the ugliest guy, but he's certainly not hot. Before now I never really gave him a chance because I just kept telling myself that he was to ugly and I never wanted to be with him. And then this year I don't know what happened, maybe I just changed and i didn't realize it, but sometime around the middle of October, him and I started hanging out, and we haven't stopped since. I might actually like him....

We have alot in common, and we have so much fun together. We like all the same movies, so its really easy for us to just sit down and spend a night watching movies. He's funny and nice, and I realized he's not the worst looking guy in the world. Just today we went shopping together (oh that's another plus, he doesn't mind shopping with me at all :D) and he was looking for some dress shirts and pants, so we went in to Tiptop and he tried on what ever I wanted him to, and he didn't even complain. Then when ever I made him try on something he really didn't like, all he would say is that he would never do this for anyone else. he's just really sweet, and i have completely changed my mind about him.

I'm a weird person like that, I mean usually I like guys that are taller then average, or guys that are kinda mysterious, but he's neither. And by some weird miracle that doesn't completely bother me.

We will see what happens, maybe He'll turn out to be the guy I always needed.

A loyal sister is worth a thousand friends.

You are my light to which i see,
You create a world for me that i can not get enough of,
You are my half which makes me whole,
You are my soul that gives me life.

Without you i would be as lost as you seem now.
You are so much to me,
you hold me up when i feel like falling.
Everyday goes by and you are what keeps me going.
i take a step forward everyday
because I know that if i dont you wont either.

i know that I am your support.
I am what keeps you standing up,
i am the guide which keeps you straight.
i wish you would see that i am also your only hope.
Without me you would fall down,
and no one would be there to pick you up.
I save you from yorself.

You need to realize that I will always be there,
but you also need to try,
try at life, try to suceed.
I will be there to support you,
i will be there to hold you,
but i need you to want to be here.

I love you, and I need you just as much as you need me.
When no one understands, remember, I always will.

There is no better friend than a sister.
And there is no better sister than you.

When the clock stops ticking...

So life's been boring for a while.

The funnest thing in my life right now is my yoga class i take every Wednesdays with my two lovely Asian friends, Fiana and San. Its very relaxing and helps to takes my mind off other things. schools getting longer and longer, its seems like everyday just goes on for a life time. Me and my friend Maddie were discussing that today in math class, we both think school should be optional. Its the hardest thing in life, to get up and go to school every single day, and have to do the same exact routine every morning. Its boring and very depressing.

Some fun and exciting news, me and my best friends + chitra(aka my one true love) might be going to Chicago for march break. I'm so excited. I already have things picked out that are must do's when we get there, if we get there. I only say "if we get there" because usually our plans get side tracked or we hit a bump in the road and they get canceled. Fingers crossed that this time our plans actually work out. If we do go we're planning to stay with maleehas aunt, which should be fun, seeing as new york was fun and we stayed with one of her aunts also. if this trip is anything like the new york trip, then I can not wait, and i will be counting down the days.

As for family issues, they continue as usual. Fighting yelling and an occasional call to the police. Since my dad left, I think my mom is over whelmed and it scares her a little that shes doesnt know how shes gonna make it through these nine months without him. The other night my mom told my dad if she could she would run my sister over with a truck, so I think that means she cant handle it. I mean I try to help her, but when the situation gets out of control I back off because I dont want to take sides. Hopefully we all make it through the nine months alive.

Hopefully I make it through the next two years without dropping out of school.

It would've been different.

I could've saved you from yourself.
Instead of letting me in you let me go.

Now you're ruining your own life.
I thought you changed, I thought you were on the right track.
But i guess you proved me wrong once again.
Life's hard on everyone, i hate it when you act
like your the only one that has it hard!
Every ones life sucks, face it!

Now you dropped out of school again,
and to top it off your dealing drugs now.
I loved you and i wanted you to love me back!
And now look at you, you could've had so much.
Some how you keep coming back into my life.

I guess I'm gonna have to let you go eventually.

Who said life goes on?

WHY CANT I LET GO?!?
Why is it so hard for me to let go?
You were and are the only person I can think of!

My grades are slipping, my mind is boggled, my heart is broken, and you dont even care. When you left me you took my entire heart with you. I dont know when or if your ever gonna give it back. Theres a whole that cant be filled. You took a huge part of me that I'm never gonna get back. I feel sick everyday when I think about how i trusted you, and how i gave you chance after chance. Everyday i wish that you never existed, i wish that i could forget the last year of my life. You were the reason I had butterflies in my stomach every second of every day for a year, and now you're the reason I cry myself to sleep because of what you took.

Why am i always the one that gets hurt? I dont have anything else to give. You took my whole heart and now how am I suppose to survive?

How much longer will it take for my wounds to heal...