"All of us go, or no one goes."

These are words I've heard all my life. I have been punished by these words. Everytime that I've gotten my hopes up about something, and then my sister decides she'd rather go out and get high I'm the one that suffers for it. After she decides she's going to ruin everyones day, my parents decide instead of making my day decent they'd rather ruin the whole thing and mope all day. There are many examples that I could go through, but to say all of them it would take to long. It happens all the time, it happens so often that now when my sister says she's not going I just automatically forget about it.

Apart of me always wants to forgive her, but this time it's so much bigger then that. When this last happened I told her I would never speak to her the same way ever again. I yet to have a full conversation with my sister, and in this weird way it feels better. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness, she doesn't deserve anything. "She doesn't deserve anything" I wish my mom would understand that. The things my sister has done are undescribable, but still she gets everything. She is given a new cell phone when she wants it, she is given money to go out, she is taken shopping whenever, and she stays out till all hours in the night. I hardly do anything anymore. I stay home so my mom isn't lonely, I have stopped shopping all the time to save more money, and I put aside my own priorities.

I do amazing at school, I volunteer all the time, and I clean everything around the house. I never get recognized for any of that. My sister is home schooled because she is to messed up to go sit in a class room. She was suppose to graduate this year but instead she just finished grade 11, and still my parents are so proud of her.

I hate her.

Took eighteen years to get this far,

In the last week I have gone from a sixteen year old girl to being a full grown adult, and the reason is indescribable. My life has been turned upside down and shaken a little. Just when I think everything is going in the right direction I find myself in the middle of problem that aren't even mine, but get put on my shoulders anyways.

Being a teenager should be simple. Party's, school, friends, and other mindless things. In my world that isn't the case. Family issues, drug problems, abusive relationships, and a lot of other messed up things, that's my life in a snap shot. Growing up you don't imagine the future being like this. I know that when people are going through hard times, they tell themselves, "there is always someone going through the same thing". It's not like that in my case. There is no one who knows what this feels like. Little problems separately by themselves, yes, but not everything put together.

It's funny how everything is all conjoined together. You never think of these things. When you're growing up playing and laughing together, you never stop and think, what is the future going to bring? But when you hit a certain age that's all you can think of. As teenagers growing in to adults we constantly want to know what the future holds for us and the people aroud us. We want to know, but then again, I think we're all scared to know. We like feeling the satisfaction of knowing what the next day will bring, but I don't think anyone would be able to handle knowing what will happen everyday. It would help, but it would be the most terrifying thing. You would always be waiting.

One day I hope everything makes sense. I hope that one day she explains everything to me. The reasons behind what she has been doing. Nothing makes sense right now, but I still have hope.

Oh, I just don't know where to begin

I usually never say this, but I am extremely proud of myself. I have just begun to work hard and finish everything I want to, which is good and bad in a sence. It's good because I slesyd knew I could I just never did. It's bad because school is almost over, and it's to bad this new part of me didn't come out sooner.

I am done my Drivers ed class, I am done my Co-op summative, also done a Co-op assignment, close to finishing an english essay and assignment. Everythings falling into place. Now that I've buckled down and commited to my work everything seems so easy. I rarely tell myself that I'm doing a good job, but for once in my life I am so so pround of everything that I'm doing. I can feel myself growing up, being more commited. I'm going to finish off the school year with great marks, and when next year starts I'm going to remember how good this felt. I'm just beginning though because during the summer I'm volunteering at CHEO again and it is going to be amazing. Something about being at CHEO and working with the people there makes me feel like I've finally found something I'm good at. I'm more confident now then ever about my choices for the future.

It's funny how just being around great people can have such an impact on your life. So yeah today fiana and I had our last day of drivers ed, it was the longest day ever. But we're both really glad its over and done with.

19 days until I leave for my cruise! Mediterranean cruise! Also It's going to be great because my dad is meeting us in rome to go on the crusie with us. He is so excited to be getting away from all the work in Afghanistan. We've started to pack already because my mom also has to bring clothes for my dad because he wasn't allowed to take any clothes with him just his uniform. I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that my sister can make it through 2 weeks with us. It's putting my mom and me under alot of stress because we don't know if she's going to have one of her outburst while we're on the ship or not. There are places on the ship designated for smoking, so that makes it a little better. The last vacation we brought her on she ended up wanting to go home before we even made it to where we were going. So everyone please cross your fingers for me.

Never let go

I don't want to graduat next year and regret something. I don't want to leave high school thinking to myself "what if". Next year is going to either be the greatest year of my life or the worst. It's a weird feeling that I have yet to experience, but I can'twait until it's here.

We'reonce again coming to an end. One more year here and gone. So far this has been the shortest, it felt like no time at all and it is over already. That's a good thing. As I talk to Hannah and Katie, two of this years seniors, I can't help but wish that this year was my year. I have so many plans that I just want to get to already. They talk about the universities that there going to attend and all the wonderful but stressful anxiety they're going through. Every single part of me wants to get out of here. I feel taht I am ready to move on.

On the last day of anything, no matter how big or small, we all have something we wish we could have done differently. I know I do. There are many thingsthatI know I would love to change and maybe life would be better if I could change them, but I can't. I'm not complaining though. Things could be worse. I have great friends, wonderful parents, good grades, inspiring friends at my co-op. Thats one thing that I would never want to change. I absolutly love my co-op. The people are amazing. They have to deal with so many things and still they are so strong. The other co-op student that works with me is great to, we have become really good friends. We laugh at everyhting together. I'm going to be really sad when it's over next week.

Another chapter of my life gone. Sometimes, despite the things we wish never happened, some things are worth holding on to. We all need to appreciate the people we know and do everything we can to love them while we have them. Everyone in our lives leave a lasting impression, and I know that there are a few people that I have in my life now that will always be very close to me.

Staring at the clock.

I am currently seeing this boy and I'm not sure what to think of it. He's one of those boys who doesn't really talk about the situation. So I've been seeing him now for two weeks. I say seeing him, but I doubt that he'd call it that. I know he likes me and all, but I'm not sure he wants to say it. We kiss eachother goodnight and hold hands, but I keep asking myself, where is this going?

I want to tell myself that it will work out, but it's hard. As much as I don't want to say this I can't help it. So here goes. When I was with my last boyfriend it was incredible, every time he touched me it was like we were starting all over and i had millions of butterflies in my stomach. He made me feel like the world was perfect and we were perfect. Even though he hurt me, I secretly wish I had those three months back because I never felt more loved. With this new boy it doesnt feel magical. I mean he makes me feel good because he is always complimenting me. I do like him and he is very fun to hangout with. Mybe I just need time to build up to that loving feeling. I mean with boy number one it wasn't an imediate feeling of love. We built up to that, so maybe with boy number two I have to do the same thing.

Lets hope that thats right because I do like being with boy number two. He's funny, sweet, and has gorgeous eyes. We love the same things, and he always want's to do what ever I want.

Please work out, please please please.
"Knock on wood"

No one ever lives the life they want.

I want a change. I want excitement.

Now I have to wait one month to attempt something exciting because no one can do anything truly exciting if they have braces. One month and I get a retainer, then a month after that I get invisiline.

When I started this school year I was sick of it before it even began. Every year is the same, its so routine. When the second semester started I was so happy because I was starting my co-op at CHEO, but now that has become just as routine as everything else in my life. Get up every morning go there for three hours, get picked up, change in the car, eat something, get dropped off at school. Everyday it's almost like I cant escape. Everyday is the same bullshit over and over again.

It's never going to change. When high school is over I'm going to do everything I can to change it. I'm going to move. I'm going to get a job that isn't routine. I'm going to live a life someone would be proud of. Not the one I have now. I'm going to go to university and study something I want. Study something that is a joy to learn. I'm going to go to university where no one knows me. I'm going to do everything right. I'm not going to make a mistake that people will remember and hold over my head. I don't want people holding me down. I want to live.

When everything else fails, do nothing.

I've been thinking a lot lately. As we get closer and closer to our last year of high school I can't help but think whats the point. When I was younger I moved from Ottawa to Texas, and I didn't keep in touch with my friends here. Then when two years was up and it was time to move back I left all my friends I had made in Texas. Once again, I came back here and didn't keep in touch with anyone there. I loved them all, they were never fake friendships, but I think to myself, maybe that's just how I am. Maybe that's how I will always be.

Its my nature, I make close friends, because lets face it no one can make it through anything without friends. But I only branch out as much as I need to. I love my friends, all of them, I'm not trying to say that there's no point in having friends because there is. All I'm saying is when everything is over next year, I'm so afraid I will go back to my way of doing things.

As I was helping my mom rake the lawn and paint the deck today, I was in my own little world, and I loved it. I love when I can do something and not think of anything else. It feels like freedom from everything that holds me down. In my world people don't judge, people don't have standards, and people aren't jealous. Then I finished painting and I was back. Back to this world of having to please.

I'm not a stuck up person, I don't mean to be bitchy. I don't know why people can't understand that. I think it's why I choose to alienate myself. I think it's easier to let people think what they want, then spend all my time trying to change their minds. We all know that's impossible. Once someone gets an idea in their heads about someone else, it's pretty much unchangeable. I am not anti-social. When it comes to people I like I am more then happy to be social. But I am not going to waste all my time talking and being nice to people who already hate me, whats the point in that?

I am just trying to make it through the last year. I have bigger problems outside of school to deal with. I think its stupid to waste all my time trying to please the people inside those four walls. When next year is over a huge weight will be lifted.

Through the next year I want to have fun, I will go out, I will be nice, and I will keep the friends I have now, I love them, nothing will change that. I love all of them.

There is always an ending.