It's always me, never them.

I'm always the one who turns a perfectly good moment into the nightmare of every girls life.

So picture a guy asks you out, and he's decent right because lets face it no one asks for perfect these days. So you finally go out with this guy and everything just starts going down hill, your being the akward shy person you are, and him being no better then you at the whole conversation thing, everything just turns to mush. Every conversation he starts having with you, you ended it with out even realizing what a fag you were being. It really sucks because you can tell he wants it to work and for some reason you cant get your toung to work.

So finally your sitting in the movie, and you are hardly concentrating on the screan because you cant stop thinking of how horrible the bus ride over was, and also your thinking, wow he must hate me for not talking. Then you feel his hand brush by your arm and now you couldnt possibly care about what was on the screan. All of a sudden, the movies over and nothing happened, some part of you wants it to start all over again so you can change every last second, but the other part of you just wants to get the hell out of there and go home and shove your face in your pillow until you die.

Thats the story of my life, every chance i get to actually start something with a guy, it gets crushed because I'm such a complete udder freak when it comes to talking. Poeple look at me and think wow she looks like a snobby bitch, but that shows how wrong people can be. I am the shyest person you will ever meet, when it comes to certain things. When I'm one on one with a guy, a huge part of me takes over and i literally want to go find a deep dark whole and barry myself in it, rather then talk to that guy.

Why do i find it so hard, its no big deal right? Wrong, so so wrong. I use to be the ugliest person ever, not even exaduating, i was hideous. I had greasy long hair, wore no makeup at all, wore close that screamed "look at the looser" and to top it off i had just moved to texas and people couldnt have hated me more there. And the level of quiet i am now, is nothing compared to what i was like then. I was so quiet, even when the teacher asked me a question infront of the class i wouldnt say anything, i would just shake my head no. Can you believe that, i was beyond discusting to look at and when I did talk people would be shocked and say, " wow who knew she could talk :S" I went the whole two years that i lived there speaking as little as possible.

I guess i never got over it. So now its just really hard for me to face the fact that maybe someone really wants to talk to me. I suppose one day I'l change and be able to talk when ever i feel like it, but not today.

I need it to happen by tomorrow, but theres really not a good chance of that hapening, so tomorrow I'll be going out on another confidence ruining outing with a guy that might or might not care that I'm mentally challenged when it comes to talking.

Oh well, maybe I'll die before tomorrow so i dont have to go through with it.

I can hope, cant I.

Wish me luck.

You don't know, so dont pretend.

I'm only writing this right now because i don't want Chitra to kill me in my sleep one night :)

I really don't have much to write about.
My trip was good and bad in a way, it started off pretty good. Well at least i thought it was going pretty good, but then just as we got close to being half way there, you probably can guess what happened. Jennifer decides she hates us and pretty much tells us that we're totally ruining this trip for her, even though we were trying as hard as humanly possible to make it the best trip ever. So, my moms all in a panic because we had reservations for the boat the next day and she had to somehow get my sister 20 hours back home by that afternoon. She thought about putting her on a plane, then she thought about putting her on a bus, then she was even thinking maybe theres a train.

Finally behind my moms back, like the little trip wrecking bitch she is, Jennifer texts my cousin that lives about five hours away from where we were at that moment, and asks him to drop everything and not only drive her home but also drive the extra 5 hours to where we were to pick her up then drive the 20 hours in the night to get her home. Yeah really, i couldn't believe it either. The only bad thing was, that my cousin, he's like the nicest guy on the planet and there was no way he was saying no to her. Which i thought was absolutely ridiculous. Personally i have no problem what so ever, when it comes to saying no to my sister.

So we waited for him to come pick her up, and waited and waited. It took forever, but at that point it was over and there was no use of anyone talking to her. So, i just sat in the front seat keeping my mouth shut, because it usually gets me in trouble when Jennifer's around.

Finally she left, and me and my mom sat in the car trying to rack our brains around the idea of what we could have possibly done that pissed her off to that extreme, but really there was no reason because it doesn't take much to piss her off, we've learned. After thinking for a while we decided we didn't do anything in particular, she just had to get back to kareem, god knows why, that guy personally makes me gag in my mouth. She probably needed some weed or something.

What ever, just what pisses me off is she made it seem like we were the reason she was leaving.

Also something has been brought to my attention, maleeha wrote an article and it got published right. I think that's amazing, most people don't even dream that big at this age. Its incredible too, its about teen drug use, and personally i think that the article she wrote couldn't have been more honest. Some very close minded people have been telling her how she shouldn't have wrote what she wrote, because the article was about our school. Truly, those people need to wake up and realize that most of the people that go to our school also go around saying that our school sucks and we all do drugs. How is it that when everyone else says it, its a friggin joke and people say whatever and move on, but now just because maleeha did something worth while and got her thoughts published, some of you think its wrong and she single handedly made our school look bad. Also wake up and friggin realize that everyone already thinks our school sucks, so one little article isn't gonna effect our status that much!!

God i hate people that think there opinions matter to others, yes you have your opinion, but no i didn't ask to hear it. Another thing, if anyone in this whole situation knows how drugs effect people its me. I've been dealing with it for the past two years, and I've had to sit on the side lines while i watch my sister completely throw her future away in less then 24 months, because of one thing and that's drugs. No, drugs are never a good thing in any situation. If you cant handle your life when your not high out of your mind then face it your never gonna be able to handle it. Its not helping anything, if people go around high, its not doing anything good for anyone.

And if your one of those people who thinks that drugs are the only way someones happy, then you really gotta get your own head checked. When people take drugs, you escape your life, for what, the hour and a half your high and falling all over the place? then reality hits you square in the face, and guess what its not going anywhere! Its ridiculous how some people can be manipulated in to thinking that drugs are the only way out.

I'll be honest when my sisters high, yeah sure she might look happy, but then I'm always there and I'm the one that has to deal with the after shock. She comes home stoned then an hour later shes back to her depressed, scrue the world self, and no one benefited from that hour.

So personally, i do think to many students in our school smoke weed, not all of us, but maybe one to many. I do know if it wasn't for some of the weed smokers at our school my sister might still be half normal and still going to our school, but she isn't, and to be honest our school helped change her for the worst.

OK so maybe i did have something to write about, sorry it was so long Chitra :)

PS,
Oh yeah, the rest of my trip went really well after she left and it was just me and my mom.

PPS,
On a happier note, the rest of my summer should be good, all i plan to do is hang out with my girls and have the greatest last month of summer i can. I also cant wait till fiana's back on Friday <3

Till next time.

Please, please, please.

She's going.

Everyone pray for me, so I survive this trip! :S

Oh god I hope we dont kill eachother.

I'm going to have a positive attitude, but really my positive attitude is only going to take me so far. After to many of there little fights, i might have to jump out of the car, on the high way, when we're passing a cliff or something.

Wish me luck :)

You cant go to hell, if your there.

My family is literally from hell.
They just push eachothers buttons and they dont realize thats what there doing, over and over and over, but I'm the one that has to sit in my room listening to this shit and i can hear exactly what there saying to make the other one want to kill them. What is wrong with my fucking family. I want to leave, i want to leave by myself, but if I'm forced to leave with you then hurry up and make up your mind about everything and leave her hear! All i wanted was to get the hell out of Ottawa. Thats it! Was that really to much to ask for?!!

Yes, we're still going, but the real reason for going was to go away and have some fun. Only now, the reason is because you already paid for the stupid trip and now your forcing yourself to go.

What the fuck is the point of that!

Another adventure;

Finally something to occupy my time at least for some of the summer. My mom decided to take me to Newfoundland, and drive across all of the little towns and what not. It should be a lot of fun, we're driving there, so we get to visit everyone on the way down, and most of my family lives between here and Newfoundland, literally.

I love going places with my mom, because she never has a schedule to keep, she's just one of those, do what ever we feel like people. I love her for that because that means we can stop at all the little places i love about Newfoundland. If you've never been to Newfoundland, then go! It's one of the most unique places in Canada always something to do, and no matter who you stop to talk to there all friendly and so cool because of the accent.

The drive down there is incredible, but so so long, its 20 hours all together driving time, for us anyways, and then on top of that theres a 17 hour boat ride. The boat ride is truly my favourite, i just love being on it, its so cool to know that your going across open water. Also this time should be really fun because we're going over during the day so we get to go out on the deck and look around, usually we cross at night, so theres nothing to see.

I just found out today that one of my favourite aunts, my aunt Ina, might fly down to join us when we get to St.John's. When her and my mom get together, its the funniest thing in the world. Both of them like to talk, and also love to be right, so when they start arguing, its funny in this really weird never ending way :P

We're going to be there for about 2 weeks, a little more. The second week we're there, my dad is flying down to join us, so we can go visit my grandma. She lives on the other side of Newfoundland, so then we have another long car ride to go there, but its worth it because she's my only grandparent left.

We're still waiting on Jennifer to make up her mind whether or not she wants to go at all. First we just told her we were going and told her to decide if she wanted to come or not, but then mom told her that dad was flying down, which i think was a huge mistake because obviously she's going to want to fly down now. I just know that if she does decide to fly with him, shes known to change her mind at the last minute and i can see that happening. I can picture, the morning of there flight her not want to come home from her boyfriends, then my dads like fucked because he never knows what to do when it comes to her.

what ever.
Oh I forgot to mention in all of that, that I'm leaving on Thursday or Friday. That's the beauty of my mom, you never know when she's going to wake you up and say get dressed we're leaving now :P

Till next time<3

Plus Chitra of course,

Chitra reminds me of owl :)

Owl is a wise old owl who tries to give useful advice, directions to far-away lands, and suggestions. Often, his words of wisdom backfire. He loves to read and is somewhat of a know-it-all. When Owl starts talking, he tends to go on and on; that's usually when Pooh and the other animals will quietly sneak away.

hehe i didnt forget you<3

The Hundred Acre Woods!

I looked up a site that tells you all about the characters on winnie the pooh so here you go.

Fiana reminds me of eeyor-
Eeyore is a loveable, pessimistic, and gloomy donkey. Eeyore is hardly ever happy, but his grumpiness might come from the fact that his tail is pinned to his behind. Disaster regularly follows him; in fact, nearly all of Eeyore's houses have either: fallen down, been knocked down by floods, or have been bounced down by Tigger.

San reminds me of tiger-
Tigger is a hyperactive tiger who loves to bounce, because that's "what Tiggers do best." He is a favorite of everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood, except Rabbit, whom he drives crazy with his bouncing. Tigger loves to try new things with gusto, but he often realizes that these endeavors aren't as easy as he thought.

Maleeha reminds me of Christopher Robin-
Christopher Robin is a young boy and the only human friend of Winnie the Pooh (and the gang). Christopher is the one whom Pooh and the other animals can always call on when they get into trouble and need help. Christopher lives at the other end of the Hundred Acre Wood and often calls Pooh a "silly old bear."(the young boy factor did it for me :P)

I remind myself of winnie the pooh-
Winnie the Pooh is a friendly bear who is always willing to lend a helping hand to his friends. Pooh loves honey (he spells it "hunny"), but his eternal search for it often gets him into trouble. When Pooh runs out of the sweet stuff, he'll ask to borrow a jar (or several) from a friend or try to taste some from a bee hive in the Hundred Acre Woods.

Isnt that nice :)

Stay for a while.

So I finally painted my room today, i think it looks pretty good. Well as good as my 12' x 12' room can look. I suffered through painting it with my mom. I guess this event wasnt to bad, atleast not as bad as my outing with her mentioned in my last blog anyways. So when we finally finished it, it was such a relief because now i dont have to think anymore on the colour choice.

Although today was very productive, tonight i will once again get no sleep. Another night passes by when the room next to me is empty. She's been gone now for i think three nights in a row, which is really nothing for her. Usually if either of us did something as big as painting our rooms then the other one would always want to be right there so that we could do it together. Nothing like that ever happens around here anymore. She just stays away, and we sit at home waiting for those phone calls like always.

Another week gone by.

Is it over yet?

So today started out good. I went to buy the paint for my room, i finally decided on a colour. Its called magic moment, its purple, wow i really hope it looks good, well no turning back now. Then of course my day was going to good, so obviously something had to go wrong. My mom and i got into this huge fight, i don't even know what we fight about anymore, we just do. I think it started because we went to go get my report card and as usual they weren't good enough for her. I don't get where she gets off telling me that its not good enough, one of her daughters is a pot head and hasn't finished the 11th grade yet. So she has no right to think that my grades aren't good enough, I'm going to school still and I'm trying my hardest here, and to top all my good efforts off, I'm not out there smoking weed, now am I! It's so ridiculous for her too actually expect me to be this straight A fucking student, when i have to deal with all this other shit happening around me. Like high school drama isn't enough, my family has to go and make it extremely hard for anyone to accomplish anything!

So i screamed at her a bit, told her to shut up called her a bitch, and then she called me a slut in front of every shopper in the entire loeb grocery store which was nice. Oh but don't worry i called her a slut too, even though its not technically true, and maybe i could've come up with something a little more cruel, but ididnt have time for that.

My day couldnt get any worse, so i went and met san,maleeha, and missy at the mall which made my day better, they always do. We stayed in the mall and shopped a bit and ate of course. Then me and maleeha took the bus home, god dont ask me why i decided to come home i have no idea myself. Although, when i got here it wasnt to bad, my nightmare of a mother was sleeping, thats the only time i feel love for her. So i watched a movie, what i do best, i watched drillbit taylor and it wasnt that good.

oh how i miss fiana, shes all the way in texas!
It's one of those days where i would love to call her. She tells me what i want to here, well most of the time, sometimes its nicer to call maleeha, and then other times san. I dunno maybe i would just call them all.

Please someone wake me up when summer is over!!!

Families for nothing.

I laid in bed as the phone rang at midnight.You answered it with such an angered voice, i swore it was who i thought it was. Only she, would dare to call that late, but maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Everytime that phone rings you know your heart sinks a little too. Who knows maybe one of these nights it wont be her, maybe one of these nights it will be that dreaded call you know will come.

You sit there and stare at me as if i have all the answers, but really you just want someone else to take control for once. What you dont understand is, I am just a teenager, and yes you can talk to me, but dont try to make it seem like i have to solve your problems.

She thinks she owns you, she stomps all over you, and the sad thing is you let her. It doesnt have to be that way, you could take back your life. What shes doing to herself is sickening, i know that, but who knows maybe she'll realize that soon. Maybe she'll understand how extremely heartbreaking this is for everyone around her to watch.

I wonder what goes through her mind as she grabs her next joint and lights it up. Is she thinking about us at all. I know you dont want to accept the fact that she is out there smoking, but the shocking reality is just that. I confront you sometimes and tell you what shes out there objecting herself to, but you look at me with such dought in your mind, doughting that i would actually know what shes doing. What you dont want to believe is I am the only one she still talks to. Even though i get mad at her and dont speak to her, you have to understand that its because shes my everything, without her i would be nothing. Its rather twisted to say seeing as shes nothing herself. She doesnt realize that without her here, so many other things are effected.

She thinks her world has to revolve around, her boyfriend, who's a highschool drop out that smokes weed everyday and sits at home doing nothing. I guess we're similar in that way, we both fall for the bad guys. She was already pretty bad before him, but when she started to hangout more and more with him she jsut got worse. Who knew she could even get worse. It's so much easier to blame our problems on someone else, but it doesnt make them go away, and it doesnt make anything any better, you still have a problem dont you.

I love you, and i love her, but when you both start screaming at eachother, no body can handle that! How do you expect a 15 year old girl to handle it. I dont think you understand that this whole thing is also hard on me. I feel bad that you have to put up with her like this, but dont you feel bad for me at all. I'm losing my sister and you choose to turn the other way. She looks to me for everything, she confides in me with all the things she gets caught up in, and she expects me to just sit there taking it all in like its nothing. It's something! Whats worse is she tells me not to tell anyone, so when you ask me to tell you, its just because all she has left is my trust, how can i ruin that.

You are my mother, but she is my sister after all.

We can make it!

So i woke up this morning and ate breakfast with my mom and dad, again no sister, but thats nothing knew. She hasnt been home in a week, god knows what she does when shes over at her boyfriends house. She keeps telling my mom shes coming home, then when its like 11 at night she decides she wants to stay just one more night, which obviously turns into 5 days.

Oh well, after breakfast i felt like a fat cow so i went down stairs to run on the tred mill for 30 minutes, which turned into 20 minutes cuz i got to lazy and wanted to take a shower really bad. At like 3 i went over to maleehas, obviously, where else would i go, haha. We were going to see a moie, we went to see Get Smart, it was so funny. Also very enjoyable becuase we bought a borrito to take into the movie with us, because thats just how we are.

After the movie we realized we just missed the bus, and it wasnt coming for another 37 minutes, so we were sitting there. Then we got very annoyed by these to weird guys that were talking way to loud, so we got up and started walking. As we walked we were joking around and said we should walk home and were really joking but then we looked at eachother and were just like you wanna do it? :P So as u you can imagine, we began walking from the mall to maleehas, which is in avalon. It takes like 15 minutes to drive, but it literally took us an hour to walk it, and we were going pretty fast. We almost died!

Fun moo&moo day!

All for something in the end;

What an interesting day, followed by a very nice night. My day was very fun, i spent it with maleeha, san, and ryan gaterell, and then fiana came later on in the afternoon. We spent half the time being extremely lazy and the other half baking a cake, then brownies, and rice crispy squares. Then we ate some of it, not all of it because it started to make us feel very sick. That was all fun and we all talked and just hung out for a while and then we all went home at like 8:30.

When i got home my mom kept mentioning to me that there was a light show happening on parliment hill at 10:30, but i told her that it was late and it would use up alot of gas to drive down there. So, we just decided to go for a walk around avalon, which was surprisingly exciting. As we were finishing up our walk i saw this path and i remembered that the path led back to our street, so we take it right :P and as we're starting to walk down it, it looks really dark and scary, so my mom turns to me and says, ok lets take it who cares. We get on it and im holding her arm and i stop, I'm like, "omg theres a..." and i paused for 3 secodns and my mommy gets really scared you know thinking theres like a rapist or something, but no i kept talking and i was like, " theres a rabbit!!" my mom almost killed me, she got so mad becasue she jumped and almost tripped :D haha

Finally we made it home and we were still really awake and we wanted to do something, so after all of that we decided to go down town and see the light show. Now to understand what I'm about to tell you, you have to understand that my mother is the funniest lady you could ever meet. So, we were almost to parliment when she realizes we're merging on to the bridge that takes you over to Quebec!! It was so funny, she see's the bridge and she's like, "Holy Shit!! look at what I'm doing, omg whats happening, we're stuck, we'll never get back!!" This is all happening with me pissing myself laughing in the seet beside her. OH dont worry it gets worse. We got over the bridge and there was one exit but we missed that, so then we take the next one thats going towards friggin montreal, oh so funny. At this point my mom is sitting straight up in her seet about to scream and cry, and I'm seriously about to pee now, i was laughing so hard!! She had no idea where we were and then we were stuck going god knows where. Finally we stop at this gas station after taking another wrong turn. Right before she goes in to the scetchy looking gas station i keep trying to tell her that this is quebec they all speek french and nothing else. She goes in, and then I lock the doors very quickly because theres some scary looking bald guy standing right beside my door! Then i see her coming back out like 2 minutes later and she gets in the car, oh but it was so funny. She gets in and i say right away, " so was he french?" and she looks at me with this stunned look on her face and says, " no.... he was chinese" :P hahaha funniest moment ever, because you know, you really dont expect it to be some chinese guy.

Finally we make it back to parliment and to top off our night we park in some ilegal place where your only suppose to park if you work in parliment, which oblviously we dont, and only because we really wanted to catch the rest of the light show. Thats just one other thing my mom loves to do, break the law ocasionally :P It was deffinetly worth it though, the light show was incredible and so cool to watch. I really think our adventure was worth it just to see the light show, lame i know. You have to know my mom, anything stupid is fun when you do it with her.

So all in all, funnest day yet this summer!

Wow, thanks.

Thats great, you let me down, but then again i never expected anything more from you. You are never gonna change are you...

You will never change.

Dont get the wrong idea, i am so over you!

I can be your friend, please let me be your friend. I need to be your friend in order to let you go, i atleast need to know your still there. I dont want you like that any more, and i realize that now. Thats all in the past now, and i still expect to have you every now and then in my future. You can forget me and i wont mind because i expect that from you. Your a disappointment but for some reason i still want you there. We will stay in touch and at times I'l feel like crying because your not exactly there anymore but what can i do, thats how you are, right.

All of thats over, and we're planning to start over as friends, i wonder if we can actually pull this friendship off. Will i be able to look at you and see a friend and not a heartbreak waiting to happen? we'll have to wait and see i guess.

If you ever come on msn we will plan our first day as friends together, but I dont know why i bother to depend on you? god. Your different, your truely a little out of control, you go out and get drunk and then do drugs on top of all of that? i never know when your being real with me or whether your just to stoned to know what your saying. What ever as i like to say life goes on, if your not there its still gonna go on isnt it :)

Even if your not there tomorrow i will enjoy myself because i'll be with my love maleeha and my hot ass lover Ryan gaterell. They will love me even if you dont, which im fine with.

Today was also fun becasue me, fiana, maleeha, and san had lunch at the mall and t was very good. I had a boritto( is that how you spell it, probably not) it was so yummy, i love those things!

ok well i'll write about tomorrow, no matter how it turns out :)

Forgetable,

Um, so canada day, pretty fun, kinda fucked up but thats alright, arent we all a little messed up in our own ways. Most of it was fun Me, fiana, San, Maleeha, Zoe, Justin, and Alex went down town and walked around doing nothing for a while then we got bubble tea, greatest stuff ever. Then we bussed back to petrie for the fire works, and that was pretty fun considering there was a fair there and me and san had the craziest time on the rides :P We obviosly had a lot more fun because some of us were drinking, which I've decided is ok only when someone is looking after me. Other then that, if I'm drunk i should be locked in a basement, or a closet somewhere, i swear.

Pretty fun day though, atleast now I know that no matter what, my three lovers, maleeha san and fiana, will always be there for me no matter what i put them through. Last night was a very good test of that incredible bond we have. If it wasnt for them I'd probably be in some dark alley somewhere. I love how no matter what, i have them there, and all i have to do to earn there forgiveness is pay for the cab ride home, and i still swear guys i was running :P haha

When we got home was when the real fun started. Even though san and maleeha had summer school like in literally 5 hours, we stayed up talking and stuff and it was just another frisky four sleep over, and those are always crazy fun.

Some of my night could have been avoidable, but then again it is me we're talking about here.

Just another night your forced to remember i guess.