It's always me, never them.

I'm always the one who turns a perfectly good moment into the nightmare of every girls life.

So picture a guy asks you out, and he's decent right because lets face it no one asks for perfect these days. So you finally go out with this guy and everything just starts going down hill, your being the akward shy person you are, and him being no better then you at the whole conversation thing, everything just turns to mush. Every conversation he starts having with you, you ended it with out even realizing what a fag you were being. It really sucks because you can tell he wants it to work and for some reason you cant get your toung to work.

So finally your sitting in the movie, and you are hardly concentrating on the screan because you cant stop thinking of how horrible the bus ride over was, and also your thinking, wow he must hate me for not talking. Then you feel his hand brush by your arm and now you couldnt possibly care about what was on the screan. All of a sudden, the movies over and nothing happened, some part of you wants it to start all over again so you can change every last second, but the other part of you just wants to get the hell out of there and go home and shove your face in your pillow until you die.

Thats the story of my life, every chance i get to actually start something with a guy, it gets crushed because I'm such a complete udder freak when it comes to talking. Poeple look at me and think wow she looks like a snobby bitch, but that shows how wrong people can be. I am the shyest person you will ever meet, when it comes to certain things. When I'm one on one with a guy, a huge part of me takes over and i literally want to go find a deep dark whole and barry myself in it, rather then talk to that guy.

Why do i find it so hard, its no big deal right? Wrong, so so wrong. I use to be the ugliest person ever, not even exaduating, i was hideous. I had greasy long hair, wore no makeup at all, wore close that screamed "look at the looser" and to top it off i had just moved to texas and people couldnt have hated me more there. And the level of quiet i am now, is nothing compared to what i was like then. I was so quiet, even when the teacher asked me a question infront of the class i wouldnt say anything, i would just shake my head no. Can you believe that, i was beyond discusting to look at and when I did talk people would be shocked and say, " wow who knew she could talk :S" I went the whole two years that i lived there speaking as little as possible.

I guess i never got over it. So now its just really hard for me to face the fact that maybe someone really wants to talk to me. I suppose one day I'l change and be able to talk when ever i feel like it, but not today.

I need it to happen by tomorrow, but theres really not a good chance of that hapening, so tomorrow I'll be going out on another confidence ruining outing with a guy that might or might not care that I'm mentally challenged when it comes to talking.

Oh well, maybe I'll die before tomorrow so i dont have to go through with it.

I can hope, cant I.

Wish me luck.