♥ Maleeho Here!

Hi =]
'Tis Maleeha on Meggie's account.
I don't really have much to say..
so PEACE G's!
=]♥maleeha.

You just didnt want it to work.

You held me and told me that, no matter how i felt about you, no matter how long it took me to trust you, you would still love me. Then you took my hand and told me that you would wait.

You also told me you would never hurt me, so in the last two days you've broken all those promises. You didnt even give me a chance to trust you. Everytime I start to let myself trust you again, you do something that scares me away. You tell me that if i stay with you that I'm just gonna get hurt again, when really your just scared because you know how much I love you. You jsut dont want to let me in to your little screwed up lonely world.

Your just scared that i might actually care. You think that your life is so much different from mine, but you wouldnt know because you've never asked me about my life! You dont know anything about my past, so that means you dont have the right to assume i wouldnt understand your life!

God, no matter how much i try not to love you, i cant help it!

What the hell do you know!

Poeple dont understand how hard it is to watch someone you care about so much, do something that you know is going to hurt them. I know that everyone is going through something difficult in their lives, but when you talk to someone about it and tell them they dont understand, how do you know, maybe there going through the same thing as you. maybe they have a past that you dont even know about. People think that they have something to hide that know one could possibly understand, but they have no idea. They dont know everyones dark little secrets. They cant just decide on there own that there the only ones that deserve to be miserable.

People think that because I look a certain way that theres no way in hell I could be as miserable as someone who doesnt look like me. Well news flash, everyone can have problems, no matter how perfect your life may look like on the outside. Just like everyone else, I have problems, and i probably have more problems then most.

People always guess what my lifes like, they'll think that from the outside everything looks perfect. You have no fucking idea how screwed up my life actually is. Do me a huge favour and dont asume you know me. I have been through things that some people wouldnt even be able to stomach. Dont look at me in the face and asume i have it easy, because you couldnt be further from the truth. I cant imagine anyone wanting to live my life.

Stop going around thinking your the only one thats allowed to suffer, share your problems with people who care about you! If I'm here and I truly want to care about you then why would you stop me! Why do you feel like you have to suffer all on your own. You always complain that no one cares. Well i am fucking telling you that i care!

I would tell you a million times that I love you, if i knew that in the end you would love me too.

Only you could never love me as much as I love you.

Third chances work...

Oh god, do I ever have something to write about!

So alot happens in one weekend. On Thursday I was home sick and really bored, and then i started talking to someone that I hadn't really talked to in a long time, and then without even realizing how fast our conversation was going, we had decided to hang out that night despite the fact that i was sick. So then he came over around 4 cuz that's when my mom was going to work. At the beginning of our night it was a really really awkward, because dont forget I am an awkward person.

Then we went down stairs to watch a movie, and through out the whole movie we hardly said to words, but then after the movie we started to fool around and one thing led to another and after a while he was lying on the couch with his head on me, and I'm pretty sure thats when my heart stopped. But obviously that was to good to be true, and right as we were looking at eachother the phone rings and its my mother, and shes coming home an hour early!

So we get up out of a position I could have stayed in forever, and we go upstairs and we sit on the couch in my living room. Me being the one that always gets hurt I thought this was another one night thing with him, but then he surprised me and right as i was about to kiss him he stopped me and said that he wanted to do this right, if we were gonna do it. Then he went on to tell me how he didnt want to hurt me this time. And all I was getting out of what he was saying was, he did want this to go somewhere! So then finally he had to leave and we kissed eachother goodbye, twice! , then he left. The second he left i literally could not breathe.

Still in my mind i was thinking, is this real or is he just saying all this like he always does. I always forgave him and then we both would act like nothing ever happened. I trusted him too, that was my biggest problem.

Then when he got home we talked on msn and the more we talked the more real it all seemed. What i couldnt figure out though is how fast it all had started. If someone had asked me a week ago if this guy and i were ever going to actually have something i wouldve laughed at the person, because as far as i knew he never wanted that from me. As he put it, we were to different, and some how he didnt understand that, that was why i liked him so friggin much.

So then the next day after school i went over to his house, and things sortof just felt like the last year hadnt happened and we just started where we left off. Sortof, see i still had my doubts. I was still worried that he would do something like before, but so far everthing was going good. We watched a movie in his room. I was kinda more interested in teh movie, it was a really good movie :P yeah but then when it ended we started talking about us, and how he was gonna try not to hurt me again. Obviously i didnt believe him right away, but then as always i couldnt help myself i looked at him and instantly didnt really care, i just cared that at that moment he wanted me. And then like always i had no choice but to trust him. One look at him and my heart always melts, its not my fault he just has that control over me, its kinda scary actually.

Yeah so i stayed at his house till 11, and it didnt seem long enough. I dont remember every second in detail, it was all kindof a blur. But what i do remember is that i am now his girlfriend! I've never been a girlfriend before. I really want this to work which sucks because i still dont know if I'm gonna be a good girlfriend or a bad girlfriend.

I keep giving him chance after chance, but the thing is I would probably give him a hundered chances.

I just hope the third chance is enough.

So what am I suppose to do?

My dad left today to go train in Edmonton, and when he left he told me he was coming back on Saturday. Well guess what, he obviously isn't coming back when he said, and there's no chance he'll be here on my birthday. The one day that things in this house are actually about me, and not the fucking drug addict next to me, and he's gonna miss it. All because war is obviously more important to him.

I am going to go crazy if i have to spend the nine months he's off fighting for this stupid fucked up country, with my fucked up crazy bitch of a sister, and my stupid lunatic mother. There going to kill each other, i know it. Today was a perfect example, my dads gone for less then 24 hours and my sister is already taking advantage of my mom. My sister is seriously fucked up in the head, I'm not even kidding, i think she needs to get her head checked or be permanently put in a mental house. I think my mom seriously doesnt know how to say no to her, she's just to afraid my sister is gonna tare her head off if she even came close to saying no. God what I'd give to be somewhere else.

On a more happier note i hung out with someone after school today :D OK for my more frequent readers, a few posts before this i talked about this really sweet guy that i never really saw because i was never able to talk to him. It was bad, in the other post i talked about how awkward seeing a movie was with him and then in another post i said how i was going to hangout with him but didn't because once again i was to shy. Well on Friday I hung out with this someone and we had a pretty good time, so today i went to his house after school. And this was big because its his birthday today and i kept asking him if he would rather do something else on his birthday rather then hangout with me and he was just like "no i just want u why is that to much to ask for" :D It was so sweet, and today didn't go to bad, i mean i talked a little more which was good. It was weird though because he was lying on the couch beside me, and the whole time i had this urge to touch his hair, but then i relized how creepy that was :P dont worry i didnt end up doing it. All in all, today was fun, and i mean he's not the best looking guy, but i think he's kinda good looking, and its not like I'd ever find a guy sweeter then him. He says things like, " when we hugged i didnt want to let u go" :D like seriously what guy would i ever find that would say that to me again! So i think i might actually like this guy. i might ask him to hang out on my birthday, which is next firday, i think he might want to because he told me he wasnt working that friday :)

Well atleast one good thing is happening in my life. The whole dad going to war is kinda dragging it all down though. He called tonight to tell my mom the news of him not coming back this Saturday, and not only did he not want to talk to me, i was listening in on the phone, and we're all conserned right, and he has the balls to say the stupidest thing to my mom. the last thing i heard before i hung up was...

Anyways war is hell right.

What happens when you feel alone,

who's left to turn to, do u just end up going crazy and never ever have a normal feeling again. I think I'm going through something but I cant put my finger on it, so does that mean all my real feelings are gone. When you feel like no one wants to hear you cry anymore, whos left to listen. When you feel like no one wants to care anymore, honestly whos left. The people who couldnt care less whether you jumped off a cliff today or tomorrow, thats whos left. When you have something so important to talk about and it seems like no ones there to hold your hand and do nothing else but listen, what option does that leave you with.

Somethings bothering me and i want to tell someone so bad, but somehow to others it doesnt seem important. Somethings tearing my heart out and no one wants to be there to put it back in. Usually there are a few good ones i would tell, but lately they dont seem to want to pick my heart back up anymore. Have they forgotten that sometimes there the only ones that can put it in the right spot for me. Maybe I'm not a good friend anymore, maybe they dont want to hear my problems anymore. Maybe there finally sick of me, like everyone else ends up being. I spent the last day with someone who was not as important and it wasnt the same, it was like more then my heart was ripped out, and all i really needed was to know that i still had them.

The important thing that i have to tell them, they already know but i just want to know that there going to be there when i need them for the next nine months. It seems like they wont be, because i think I'm bothering them to much. Whats gonna happen if i dont have them, because i already know i dont have my sister or my mom for that matter.

And, in a couple days i will barely have my dad. After tuesday I will see him off and on until christmas, then after that i wont see him for nine months. I've been sitting here trying to imagine what it will be like, but i cant think of what it will be like because he's always just been there. Now when he's gone I'l wake up here knowing that he's going to be waking up in Afghanistan. I'll know that i cant reach out and comfort myself by having him right next to me. I'll think of him everyday and never be happy until i know he's next to me again.

Fight for your country. Who the fuck was stupid enough to come up with that shit!

God i wish the tears would stop!

How many times do we have to hear it.

So we had an assembly today and it was on bullying. Everyone knows that people go into those assemblies thinking so what who cares if i bully some loser. Then what the teachers say kinda makes most of us feel bad, and we realize maybe we shouldnt be mean to those people. Then when the assemblies over most of the kids that felt bad half way through the presentation, no longer feel bad 10 minutes later, and they go back to bullying who ever happens to bug them first.

Its dumb yes, but we all do it. Even if your the one getting bullied, in some way or another you also bully someone. It's life, either do something about it or get over it. People complain everyday that someones bullying them, and then two seconds later they'll be the ones saying something about someone that they think is beneath them. It goes on and on, theres no stopping it. Yeah sure, maybe the presentations help a little for a week or two, then after that we all go back to our old ways.

I think, yes its mean to the people who are getting bullied sure, but i think its like what everyone always says, people bully other people because it makes them feel better about themselves. Not gonna lie, thats partially why i bully some people. If someone feels bad about themselves, sure your gonna put someone else down because your thinking to yourself, atleast I look better then that person. Its bad I know but we all do it. Its just something to boost our own confidence, and maybe its not the right thing but we still choose to do it.

I personally think the teachers waste there time. Yeah sure there assemblies are probably gonna change about 5 to 10 people out of the whole school. No ones gonna change just because the VP stands infront of them and tells them too.

I'm not gonna be a hypocrite, but you know what, the people I bully probably bully other people too. We all know its wrong, but guess what we hear the teachers say that every year and no ones changed yet, doesnt that tell you something.

Just get up and go.

So first week of school is finally over, it literally felt like the longest week ever. It was like we never left. No one even changed, which kind of defeats the purpose of coming back from two months of summer. When you come back you expect something to be a little different, but no! The only thing that was different was where i went for my classes. Same people, same everything, i dont think it could get any more boring.

What ever, just have to go there and deal with it. Its dumb though because for something that isn't that great, i force myself to get up every morning at 630 and take a shower and stand for about an hour blow drying my hair then straightening it, and then putting on my makeup, and all just because i feel i have to in order to actually be able to walk out of the house in peace. Somehow the only way I'm comfortable at school is if i take that hour and make my self decent.

Hmm, i wonder how im gonna make it through the whole year. Everyday feels like this huge chalenge. Also this year my sister is going to a different school then before and now i hardly see her because she goes to school earlier then me, and then right after school she goes strate over to her boyfriends house and doesnt come back till 10 at night, something tells me shes not gonna do very well in school this year. Who knows though maybe she'll surprise us.