The three pieces that put together my life.

Today was a bad day.
I sat at home and wallowed in my self misery. As I thought back on what had happened and how it hurt me to know that he didn't care whether I cried or died. My best friend messaged me, and I told her about what had happened, she immediately texted the jerk and told him to leave me alone. That's when I realized I was ok.

I spent the whole day sitting in my basement watching TV. As I was finishing up my third episode of Sex and The City, the last line that Carrie said was " There aren't many people that will love you no matter what, I was lucky enough to find three." When I heard this I cried with relief, because I know that line defines my life. I just sat there and realized how much my three gorgeous best friends mean to me, there my everything. I can't help but think back on what we've been through together. They've been there no matter what. They were there when I didn't have the best control over myself, and they were there when I chose to drink instead of be with them. No matter how difficult I was to be around, they stuck there with me.

It's ironic that I think of all this now, and appreciate it, because on this day last year the four of us were in New York City. That trip was and always will be the highlight of my teen years. It brought us closer and taught us things we'll never forget about each other. That one week trip was a way for us to free ourselves, and realize that life can get better.

I think back on all the times we fought over small things that led into big arguments. We always found a way to get over it. We always tell each other, no matter what we're always gonna be friends, and the longer we are friends the easier that is to believe. We just keep getting closer and closer. Every time one of us is going through a rough time the others are always there. All three of them are the shoulder i lean on when i need support.

We only have one year left of high school and as we get closer to the end I keep thinking of how we've changed each other for the better. I know that when high school is over all three of them are going to go off and succeed at anything they want to do. All of them have dreams and life long goals that I know will come true. They're the three greatest people I've ever met. I could go on forever about how special they are. This isn't done in any specific order. Maleeha is ambitious, courageous, and beautiful. Fiana is lively, determined, and always looks perfect. San is confident, funny, and uniquely stunning. There are so many other qualities that define them, those are just a few.

Alcohol is my friend.

So I've been dumped, but it hasn't hurt me as much as I thought...
It happened about a week ago and I'm just blogging about it now, so that says something. I admit he did mean something to me, but not enough to sit at home crying and eating myself to death. I don't know what to think. I thought it was going good but I guess I was wrong. He was being weird for a while but he kept saying it was nothing, so finally he told me he needed to talk to me about something, so we went to the mall and BAM! it was over. So that's it, and now it's just weird because he ignores me completely at school and is really cold whenever I attempt to talk to him.

Oh well. I'm not going to waste my time with "what ifs" It's done it's over, I'll wash my hands of that. To think I gave up drinking for him!!! God I've been craving alcohol forever now.

Good news, I might be going away for march break, I really hope we do. I need to get away from the routine of Ottawa. I want something different, i want to go away for a week and feel like that's my life. That this magical beautiful adventurous place is my real life. I want to put a bikini on and go swimming, tanning, and lounging around.

I want to feel beautiful!!!!!!!

When the lights go out..

My mom called me in to look at an email she had just received from the school, and when I read it I honestly stood there in utter shock. The email stated that a grade nine girl at Cairine Wilson had committed suicide earlier this week.

There are so many things running through my mind, did I ever see her? did she see me? When something like this happens it's an eye opener, you sit in a corner and think to yourself why do things like this happen? Obviously we all know the reason, we just don't want to admit to it. We all know that this girl probably took her own life because she wasn't accepted as who she was, so she resorted to what she thought was the last option. Everyday we all make comments about people even if it's not completely intended to be an insult. We all choose to do or say things that we don't think through, we don't think about how it will affect those who are listening.

She probably heard everything people said, every whisper behind her back, every statement about who she was, but I wonder if anyone ever stopped to hear what she was saying. Maybe she was asking for help this whole time. Maybe she was screaming, but no one took the time to listen.

It makes me sit here and tear up because I am well aware of the fact that I myself have chosen to ridicule others. When something like this happens it hits you, you ask yourself why? why did I choose to say those things or glare at that person? I ask myself those things, and I honestly don't have an answer. At the time you just say things without realizing the damage your causing. It's ironic though because most people who make fun of others have been in there shoes before, I know I have. I know what its like to stand there and have someone stare at you and whisper things right in front of your face just because they don't approve of you.

I'm ashamed of myself. Tomorrow I will walk into school with my head hung down because I will be aware of all the damage that I might have caused. And I hope that many others will hold there heads down. Our school is filled with people that choose to ridicule the weak. It's wrong but we don't realize it until something like this hits us in the face.

I hope tomorrow many people feel the pain of what has taken place. My sympathy goes out to her family and friends.

Every day disasters.

I don't know what to think. We've been friends for so long, and we've known eachother for 11 years how could you have not told me something like this. Your dad is sick and you couldnt talk to me about it. We use to talk about everything. Our worries, our hardships, and our happy times. Why can't you talk to me anymore?

You barely look me in the face these days. You have seen me at my worst, you know me better then most. I can't believe that I had to hear this from two of my friends, and not from you yourself. You're going through a really hard time and I wish that you would come to me and trust me to be your friend and trust me to help you.

I hope that you don't go down the wrong path because of this. I can already see you drifting. I know what that wrong path can do to people and you are way to good for that. I want to do everything I can to make sure that doesnt happen.

I know you, and this isn't you.

In my wildest dreams,

I never thought this could happen to me.

Have someone be so sweet and thoughtful.

He's amazing.

He came to my house while I was out with my mom

and with my sisters help he set this up on my bed.

It was amazing I came home and walked in my room,

and there it all was!

I just wish that I could be just as amazing.

I feel like I dont deserve him.

I'm always worrying that I'm doing something wrong.

It's driving me insane, every second I'm always thinking

about what he's thinking,

or what he thinks of me.

I notice every little thing.

I notice when he's acting just a little different

or if he's being to quiet,

or even if he's giving me a look.

How do I get past this!

When am I finally gonna be happy with myself.

Here’s my hand and my heart, It’s yours to take.

With all my life issues at the moment, I need this more then anything.
Valentines Day is coming and it's my first Valentines Day where I'm actually with someone. Every other valentines day I've been one of those angry bitter people that hates everyone else for being all happy and in love, but this year I've switched sides. I can't wait for it to get here. I want it to be special because it is after all my first valentines day, and first real relationship.

Me and Said are going out to dinner, then back to my house. He's getting me something, and I'm really excited because he got me really good presents on Christmas and I kinda knew what they were, so this time I'm twice as excited because I have no idea what its going to be.

This whole thing with said is going better then I ever expected. He's more then just my boyfriend. He's the person I go to when I'm upset, mad or nervous. He calms me down when ever I'm over exaggerating. He takes the time to talk to me and listen to my concerns. He moves at my pace and never acts like a jerk. When I'm with him it feels like nothing can go wrong. I just love being with him, and how he always makes me feel important. I know that sounds corny but its true.

I know alot of people look at Said and don't think much of him (which pisses me off more then anything!!!), but I look at him and see everything I ever wanted. He likes all the same things i do, we have no problem talking, which is huge for me because I usually have a really difficult time talking to guys. He makes me laugh and also can be serious when I need him to be. He just understands me so well and thats all I ever wanted. What we have is really strong because even before I realized I liked him he was there. When ever i needed to talk to anyone he was always there. We started talking almost two years ago and ever since then he's been my arm to lean on. His friendship meant everything to me, and now this relationship means so much.

Nine moths I'll never get back.

I've never been so lonely, it's like when he left he took half my heart to Afghanistan with him. Nine months is way to long to be apart from the one guy in my life that has never ever let me fall. I can't even put into words how much this is hurting me. I've lost something and it's hurting more then I've ever hurt before.

He's actually gone. I keep repeating that to myself every few minutes just because I need to keep reminding myself that he's not right downstairs. For the first time in my life he's not there to hold me in his arms and tell me everythings going to be ok. He was the person I went to for stuff like this. If I was broken inside he'd know just what to do to fix it.

I have this urge to run downstairs and check if he's there. Every night before I go to bed I go down stairs just to get a hug from him to know I'm safe and it's ok to go to sleep.

I just realized what I lost. The safe feeling I took for granted. I want to feel safe again.

Please come home safe.