Avoiding the monsters.

My mom said the most honest thing to me today. We went driving this afternoon, just all around Ottawa. As we were driving along we were talking about my senior year and all the things that are coming up, and she said, “ you’re so afraid, remember when you were little you didn’t fear anything now you fear everything.” I had to keep myself from losing all control due to the fact that I was the one driving. Nothing has ever hit me so hard. It only hurt so much because it was unbelievably true. My mom wasn’t referring to my entire life, but that statement made me think of how when I was little I did what ever I wanted.

What used to be nothing is now everything. When I think back of the things I used to do, I can’t even imagine doing them now. Things I used to do then, would only embarrass me now. When I was little the only things I feared were small inconspicuous things. Now it’s like where ever I turn there is something new to fear about life. I’m not saying life sucks, I’m not saying I want to switch places with a five year old, I’m just saying that I didn’t realize how much there was to fear.

As we get older we definitely do not get braver. We just don’t fear the things we used to. We now fear things that are way worse then a dark basement. When ever I think of going to school and having to do all the things that are required when you are a senior I get butterflies in my stomach and my heart starts to race. This is the feeling I once got just because I thought there was a monster in my closet. I used to sleep with my mom, and I finally got over that and started to sleep in my own room. Now I have to start thinking about sleeping in my own apartment, or on campus at a not yet chosen university. I used to stand in gym class scared that the boys wouldn’t choose me to be on there team. Now I’m scared that a boy will never choose me.

Does anyone remember when we wanted to go back to school? The other day I was in line at a store to check out, and in front of me were two little boys and their mom. One of them said that they were so excited to go back to school because now he had a nice school bag. I was also about to buy new things for school, and before that I had gone to many other stores buying everything I could in order to attempt to make back to school easier. And I still wasn’t excited to go back. Buying all my new stuff made me even more scared for back to school.

I might not fear the monsters in my closet, but I have never been more scared in my entire life. Our fears from when we were little might go away, but they get replaced with bigger and scarier ones.

sixteen years, and still moving.

You know how adults always tell us to enjoy our childhoods, and don't grow up to fast. I think they are so extremely right. I was sitting here and thinking how I will be a senior next year. That's the scariest thing I could ever think of. It hasn't fully registered yet. I am going into my last year of high school. Next year around this time I will be getting ready to hopefully start my next journey into university. I will no longer have those for protective walls to hold me up.

I don't know if anyone else is in the same boat as I am, but personally I have never truly thought about my future. Sure I've thought about what I want to be and how I'm going to get there. What I failed to think about is what happens after. Yes I tell myself I want to get married and have kids, but what about after that. You have to raise them, take care of bills, mortgages, pay taxes, and everything else. Oh and make sure your marriage doesn't fall apart. No one ever tells you exactly how hard its going to be.

Does everyone know the movie, A Blast From The Past? I am going to do exactly what he did, I am going to go underground and never come back up. As exciting as people make the future sound, they never tell you the other side of it. Yes there is obviously some perks to being an adult, but they are nothing compared to the hard parts. As teenagers what most of us are thinking is, " I want to make it to 21 so I can legally drink." What we don't think about is once we make it to 21 we also have to pay our own bills, buy our own food, and make sure we don't end up on the streets.

We all talk about our futures, and our goals. I don't want to be the barer of bad news, but the average adult doesn't live out any of his/her dreams. It's insanely nerve racking to think about how one day it will all be on us. No more parent, no more teachers, no more taking the easy way out. There is no other way, you just move forward. It doesn't matter if it looks a little rocky up ahead, we still have to make our way towards the hardest parts. There is no turning around and saying its to hard, or changing our minds. Forward, that's all there is.

I'm in the middle without any plans,

I’m faced with a bit of a problem. Don’t you hate it when something happens, and you have no control over it. That’s my problem. Three years have gone by since I met a certain person in my life, and in the past couple of weeks my feeling for this person have changed. Not for the better, I don’t think.

I’ll give you all a few details. It’s a guy, my age, and we’ve been great friends for about two years. I wouldn’t call us best friends, but I would be heartbroken if our friendship ended. He has always been fun to be with, and always great to talk to. He’s my advice-giving guy. He’s helped me through a lot of boy issues. Now the tables have turned. Currently I’m helping him through girl issues. He’s in a relationship, but doesn’t know if the relationship will last, or for how long. We’ve been spending more time together, and we’re getting closer as friends.

Now I’ll tell you about my problem. He loves his girlfriend very much, and wants things to work. My issue is that I have the smallest crush on him. Obviously I’m not going to act on it. I am not a home wrecker. My goal is not to split them up. My goal is to keep quiet. Even if he were to break-up with his girlfriend, I would never want to be his rebound girl. Also another issue is that, even if he didn’t have a girlfriend, I don’t think I would want to ruin a great friendship. So, I’m going to put it at the back of my mind and pretend it never existed.

On to another topic now. Summer is going fine I suppose. I haven’t been going out much but that’s the way I like it for the most part. My mom is going away for 5 days leaving me in charge of the house. Most teenagers would be thinking to themselves, “yeah!! Time for a party.” But I am not thinking that. I’m not that type of teenager, and even if I was there are certain things that are stopping me from doing so. The number one reason is my less responsible, and unreliable older sister. I don’t have time to have a party because I’m going to be watching her 24/7. Make sure she doesn’t burn the house down, make sure she doesn’t have her boyfriend sleep over, make sure she doesn’t leave the door unlocked, and make sure she doesn’t have a party. She would do all these things without even thinking.

Now, I’m not the world’s most perfect daughter. I am going to break a rule or two. I am going to have one or two people over, and maybe drink the vodka that’s in my room. But I will be careful with what I do. Oh yeah and this is going to be the first time I stay home alone. So I don’t know if I’ll be to scared to do so. I have a back up just in case. If I can’t sleep I’m pretty sure my nice wonderful best friend Maleeha will take me in, right Maleeha :)
Ok that’s all for now.

"All of us go, or no one goes."

These are words I've heard all my life. I have been punished by these words. Everytime that I've gotten my hopes up about something, and then my sister decides she'd rather go out and get high I'm the one that suffers for it. After she decides she's going to ruin everyones day, my parents decide instead of making my day decent they'd rather ruin the whole thing and mope all day. There are many examples that I could go through, but to say all of them it would take to long. It happens all the time, it happens so often that now when my sister says she's not going I just automatically forget about it.

Apart of me always wants to forgive her, but this time it's so much bigger then that. When this last happened I told her I would never speak to her the same way ever again. I yet to have a full conversation with my sister, and in this weird way it feels better. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness, she doesn't deserve anything. "She doesn't deserve anything" I wish my mom would understand that. The things my sister has done are undescribable, but still she gets everything. She is given a new cell phone when she wants it, she is given money to go out, she is taken shopping whenever, and she stays out till all hours in the night. I hardly do anything anymore. I stay home so my mom isn't lonely, I have stopped shopping all the time to save more money, and I put aside my own priorities.

I do amazing at school, I volunteer all the time, and I clean everything around the house. I never get recognized for any of that. My sister is home schooled because she is to messed up to go sit in a class room. She was suppose to graduate this year but instead she just finished grade 11, and still my parents are so proud of her.

I hate her.

Took eighteen years to get this far,

In the last week I have gone from a sixteen year old girl to being a full grown adult, and the reason is indescribable. My life has been turned upside down and shaken a little. Just when I think everything is going in the right direction I find myself in the middle of problem that aren't even mine, but get put on my shoulders anyways.

Being a teenager should be simple. Party's, school, friends, and other mindless things. In my world that isn't the case. Family issues, drug problems, abusive relationships, and a lot of other messed up things, that's my life in a snap shot. Growing up you don't imagine the future being like this. I know that when people are going through hard times, they tell themselves, "there is always someone going through the same thing". It's not like that in my case. There is no one who knows what this feels like. Little problems separately by themselves, yes, but not everything put together.

It's funny how everything is all conjoined together. You never think of these things. When you're growing up playing and laughing together, you never stop and think, what is the future going to bring? But when you hit a certain age that's all you can think of. As teenagers growing in to adults we constantly want to know what the future holds for us and the people aroud us. We want to know, but then again, I think we're all scared to know. We like feeling the satisfaction of knowing what the next day will bring, but I don't think anyone would be able to handle knowing what will happen everyday. It would help, but it would be the most terrifying thing. You would always be waiting.

One day I hope everything makes sense. I hope that one day she explains everything to me. The reasons behind what she has been doing. Nothing makes sense right now, but I still have hope.

Oh, I just don't know where to begin

I usually never say this, but I am extremely proud of myself. I have just begun to work hard and finish everything I want to, which is good and bad in a sence. It's good because I slesyd knew I could I just never did. It's bad because school is almost over, and it's to bad this new part of me didn't come out sooner.

I am done my Drivers ed class, I am done my Co-op summative, also done a Co-op assignment, close to finishing an english essay and assignment. Everythings falling into place. Now that I've buckled down and commited to my work everything seems so easy. I rarely tell myself that I'm doing a good job, but for once in my life I am so so pround of everything that I'm doing. I can feel myself growing up, being more commited. I'm going to finish off the school year with great marks, and when next year starts I'm going to remember how good this felt. I'm just beginning though because during the summer I'm volunteering at CHEO again and it is going to be amazing. Something about being at CHEO and working with the people there makes me feel like I've finally found something I'm good at. I'm more confident now then ever about my choices for the future.

It's funny how just being around great people can have such an impact on your life. So yeah today fiana and I had our last day of drivers ed, it was the longest day ever. But we're both really glad its over and done with.

19 days until I leave for my cruise! Mediterranean cruise! Also It's going to be great because my dad is meeting us in rome to go on the crusie with us. He is so excited to be getting away from all the work in Afghanistan. We've started to pack already because my mom also has to bring clothes for my dad because he wasn't allowed to take any clothes with him just his uniform. I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that my sister can make it through 2 weeks with us. It's putting my mom and me under alot of stress because we don't know if she's going to have one of her outburst while we're on the ship or not. There are places on the ship designated for smoking, so that makes it a little better. The last vacation we brought her on she ended up wanting to go home before we even made it to where we were going. So everyone please cross your fingers for me.

Never let go

I don't want to graduat next year and regret something. I don't want to leave high school thinking to myself "what if". Next year is going to either be the greatest year of my life or the worst. It's a weird feeling that I have yet to experience, but I can'twait until it's here.

We'reonce again coming to an end. One more year here and gone. So far this has been the shortest, it felt like no time at all and it is over already. That's a good thing. As I talk to Hannah and Katie, two of this years seniors, I can't help but wish that this year was my year. I have so many plans that I just want to get to already. They talk about the universities that there going to attend and all the wonderful but stressful anxiety they're going through. Every single part of me wants to get out of here. I feel taht I am ready to move on.

On the last day of anything, no matter how big or small, we all have something we wish we could have done differently. I know I do. There are many thingsthatI know I would love to change and maybe life would be better if I could change them, but I can't. I'm not complaining though. Things could be worse. I have great friends, wonderful parents, good grades, inspiring friends at my co-op. Thats one thing that I would never want to change. I absolutly love my co-op. The people are amazing. They have to deal with so many things and still they are so strong. The other co-op student that works with me is great to, we have become really good friends. We laugh at everyhting together. I'm going to be really sad when it's over next week.

Another chapter of my life gone. Sometimes, despite the things we wish never happened, some things are worth holding on to. We all need to appreciate the people we know and do everything we can to love them while we have them. Everyone in our lives leave a lasting impression, and I know that there are a few people that I have in my life now that will always be very close to me.

Staring at the clock.

I am currently seeing this boy and I'm not sure what to think of it. He's one of those boys who doesn't really talk about the situation. So I've been seeing him now for two weeks. I say seeing him, but I doubt that he'd call it that. I know he likes me and all, but I'm not sure he wants to say it. We kiss eachother goodnight and hold hands, but I keep asking myself, where is this going?

I want to tell myself that it will work out, but it's hard. As much as I don't want to say this I can't help it. So here goes. When I was with my last boyfriend it was incredible, every time he touched me it was like we were starting all over and i had millions of butterflies in my stomach. He made me feel like the world was perfect and we were perfect. Even though he hurt me, I secretly wish I had those three months back because I never felt more loved. With this new boy it doesnt feel magical. I mean he makes me feel good because he is always complimenting me. I do like him and he is very fun to hangout with. Mybe I just need time to build up to that loving feeling. I mean with boy number one it wasn't an imediate feeling of love. We built up to that, so maybe with boy number two I have to do the same thing.

Lets hope that thats right because I do like being with boy number two. He's funny, sweet, and has gorgeous eyes. We love the same things, and he always want's to do what ever I want.

Please work out, please please please.
"Knock on wood"

No one ever lives the life they want.

I want a change. I want excitement.

Now I have to wait one month to attempt something exciting because no one can do anything truly exciting if they have braces. One month and I get a retainer, then a month after that I get invisiline.

When I started this school year I was sick of it before it even began. Every year is the same, its so routine. When the second semester started I was so happy because I was starting my co-op at CHEO, but now that has become just as routine as everything else in my life. Get up every morning go there for three hours, get picked up, change in the car, eat something, get dropped off at school. Everyday it's almost like I cant escape. Everyday is the same bullshit over and over again.

It's never going to change. When high school is over I'm going to do everything I can to change it. I'm going to move. I'm going to get a job that isn't routine. I'm going to live a life someone would be proud of. Not the one I have now. I'm going to go to university and study something I want. Study something that is a joy to learn. I'm going to go to university where no one knows me. I'm going to do everything right. I'm not going to make a mistake that people will remember and hold over my head. I don't want people holding me down. I want to live.

When everything else fails, do nothing.

I've been thinking a lot lately. As we get closer and closer to our last year of high school I can't help but think whats the point. When I was younger I moved from Ottawa to Texas, and I didn't keep in touch with my friends here. Then when two years was up and it was time to move back I left all my friends I had made in Texas. Once again, I came back here and didn't keep in touch with anyone there. I loved them all, they were never fake friendships, but I think to myself, maybe that's just how I am. Maybe that's how I will always be.

Its my nature, I make close friends, because lets face it no one can make it through anything without friends. But I only branch out as much as I need to. I love my friends, all of them, I'm not trying to say that there's no point in having friends because there is. All I'm saying is when everything is over next year, I'm so afraid I will go back to my way of doing things.

As I was helping my mom rake the lawn and paint the deck today, I was in my own little world, and I loved it. I love when I can do something and not think of anything else. It feels like freedom from everything that holds me down. In my world people don't judge, people don't have standards, and people aren't jealous. Then I finished painting and I was back. Back to this world of having to please.

I'm not a stuck up person, I don't mean to be bitchy. I don't know why people can't understand that. I think it's why I choose to alienate myself. I think it's easier to let people think what they want, then spend all my time trying to change their minds. We all know that's impossible. Once someone gets an idea in their heads about someone else, it's pretty much unchangeable. I am not anti-social. When it comes to people I like I am more then happy to be social. But I am not going to waste all my time talking and being nice to people who already hate me, whats the point in that?

I am just trying to make it through the last year. I have bigger problems outside of school to deal with. I think its stupid to waste all my time trying to please the people inside those four walls. When next year is over a huge weight will be lifted.

Through the next year I want to have fun, I will go out, I will be nice, and I will keep the friends I have now, I love them, nothing will change that. I love all of them.

There is always an ending.

I forgot how to breathe.

We all get that feeling every now and then, when the world feels like its closing in on us, and everything that could go wrong has. I'm stuck. As hard as I try, I just keep getting pulled back into this hole of depression. I don't know if you can call it depression exactly. Its more like anger. It's this on going feeling of regret, and it's punishing me.

Slowly, my well orchestrated "body" has stopped working. I am the lungs. Some days I wish I wasn't. The lungs is a big responsibility to be given. The lungs have to communicate and get oxygen through to the rest of the body, but in order to do that they have to be able to tell the rest of the body if there having any problems. For the lungs that's a hard thing to do. The lungs don't always know where to begin.

Right now there having alot of problems, and because all these problems have been building up, its become to much for the lungs to handle. The lungs are collapsing. They realize that they need the rest of the body to support them and get them up and running again. They're just not sure if they can reach out.

Without the heart the lungs wouldn't be able to use their oxygen. Without the brain the lungs wouldn't know how to send the oxygen to the body. Without the bones there would be nothing holding the lungs in place. The lungs know all to well that they need the body more then anything, sometimes they just forget.

Sometimes it's easier to stop breathing, then to learn how to all over again.

I would give anything to be you.

I let people run my life. Insignificant people, who in the end don't even matter. In reality we can't stop wondering what others think of us. It's a curse. We're always concerned that people don't like us, or don't approve of us. I walk through school and hold my head down, thinking to myself as I walk, " god I wonder what people are thinking, do they hate me? are they laughing at me?" I can't help it. I limit myself. I limit what I'm capable of, afraid that maybe someone will disapprove. I plan everything out in my head, down to the very last conversation I have. Before I speak, I analyze it in my head. What will they say? What will they be thinking? A million questions fly through my head every time I say hi to someone in the hall.

I want to be able to get up in the morning and not plan my outfit and the way I do my hair around what I think people want to see. I don't take chances. I wear safe clothes, clothes I think everyone will approve of. I only ever wear my hair down because I think it will hide me from the judgemental world. Everything I do is based upon what I think the opinions of others are.

I wish I was one of those people that had the confidence to say, "screw them". Wear what I want. Act like I want. Be who I want. How wonderful would a world be where you didn't have to meet other peoples standards. Where you didn't have to worry about the thoughts of others.

I know people like that exist. People who just do what they want. I want to know how they find the courage to do that. I've been holding my head down for 6 years now, ever since we stopped playing games at recess and started ridiculing others. No one's ever good enough. I changed myself, I'm still changing myself just so people will look at me and not hate what they see. I've never actually gone out and just been myself. I've always tried to please others. I'm always trying to meet this invisible standard that everyone has.

I always tell myself before I go to bed, "tomorrows the day, I'm just going to get up, wear what I want, and throw my hair up in a ponytail." Of course I wake up the net morning and start all over. Before I leave the house I make sure I look how i did the day before, just so I blend in better. I never change anything because I'm afraid that it will draw attention to me.

I walk through the hallways and don't really smile. Some people think I'm doing it because I'm stuck up, and rude. What people don't realize is I'm more insecure then they could ever know.
I wish those people could see this blog. I wish they would understand.

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

I had a dream, and I remember it, that's very rare for me.
So I'm not sure how my dream started out but I remember the middle part so that's what I'll share with all of you. The first thing I remember in my dream is being on the bus going to Christie lake, for those of you who don't know that's a camp we go every year with the school to clean up. We were on our way to the camp and when we got there we realized out of everything that we had brought we forgot a tent. So we went around asking everyone if they had a tent for. Finally one of the teachers told us he had a 10 person tent that we could use. So as we began to put up the tent I stopped and realized that my mom wasn't there. Ok for the part of my dream you have to know that I've gone to Christie lake the last two years, and this is the first year I'm bringing my mom along. Also you have to know that every time I do bring my mom on something like this I always get super stressed and worry about her the whole time.

Ok so in my dream for some reason I had completely forgotten that my mom was even suppose to come. I just stood by the half built tent scared and worried. So I ran over to one of the houses and tried making a phone call on my cell. I finally got a hold of her and told her that Christie lake was today, and she didn't know that. So then she said that she was going to start driving down now.

That was fine but I was still worried because it was getting dark. I went back out to see how the tent was doing, and this is the weird part of my dream. I go back out and fiana, san, and maleeha were building a rock tent. They had found boulders and rocks and were building walls for the tent. I went up to them and I asked them what they were doing I thought we had found a tent already? And San stops and says, " yeah we put that one up but we didn't like it because it was a bright yellow colour and people were staring." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And then my dream skipped a scene or two because the next thing that happened was my mom was there and I had convinced San that yellow was ok.

Then we all started getting in the tent, but my mom started telling us how she didn't want to sleep in the tent. So we started arguing about it and thats when I woke up.

Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

I'm sitting in the library and I'm eating a kinder egg surprise, and it's so frigging good. I've been craving one for the longest time so today after co-op I made my mom buy me some. Then I had to go the the doctors, not fun.

I used to get annoyed when my friends would talk about their ex's and how when they see them they want to go hide under a rock, but now that I'm the person doing the hiding it makes more sense. It's terrible. The way that the person makes you feel. How I don't even feel comfortable walking through school anymore. It feels like all eyes are on me because they know something I don't. Like if he's talking behind my back, and theres rumors going around. I think that's the worst thing that could even happen. If there were rumors going around about what happened and I'm the only one that doesn't know.

I know, I'm probably over reacting and my friends are going to read this and say the same thing they do all the time. There gonna say, he's a loser anyways and has no friends, and he's ugly. I know all that, but still it doesn't matter how ugly and stupid the person is, people will still believe there lies. Uggghhhhh, what ever a year and three months left and I never have to deal with these people again.

On a more happy note, as I was sitting in the doctors office waiting to go in, I was reading a magazine and looking at all the pretty dresses. And it got me thinking about next year and prom and graduation. Hopefully it will be great because I don't want to be one of those adults who regrets going and had the worst time ever. I want it to be the highlight of my teen years. I want to be able to tell the story of my prom to my kids and be proud of how it turned out. So yeah back to looking at the dresses. I cant wait until I get to buy my dress! On the other hand its going to be nerve racking. I'm so bad at making decisions, especially when it comes to important things like this. For example, it took me 6 months of shopping every weekend to find my grade 8 grad dress, and that's not even a very special event. PROM! That's special. So me and my mom decided today that we were going to start looking around now. First we're going to look here in Ottawa and maybe Montreal to get some ideas. Then we're going to go to New york and hopefully I'll be able to decide on one.

Ok that's all for now. I'm going to look at pictures of prom dresses now :)

Carma's a bitch.

I don't need this. I'm trying to deal with all my family issues, and worrying about my dad. I don't need to come to school everyday and find out your talking shit about me. This is over, move on with your pathetic life already. I never seen a group of people act so pathetic before. You and your so called friends need to find something better to talk about. You broke up with me! I should be the one talking shit, but I'm not! I didn't do anything to you that would give you the right to do this.

You know what I'm going through right now, and you still wanna make it hard on me! On top of that your not just talking about me with your close friends, your talking to people that you know I hate and you don't even like them! WHY! It's none of there business!

I hate you. I can say that now and know its the truth. I've never met someone that could turn around so fast and be so mean to someone that they honestly liked before. You surprised me, and now I hate you. Your to self confident people hate you! Your not as cool as you think and you need to realize that. I hope you grow up and Carma comes back and slaps you in the face. One day you'll wake up and your life will suck. I hope that day comes soon.

My Hero, my dad.

4 more soldiers were killed in Afghanistan.

My dads in charge of all the paper work and stuff when a soldier dies, so when I think about what he's going through I start to cry because when ever my dad is upset or having a rough time I just hug him and I wait for him to sigh and relax. I can't hug him. I cant wait for him to sigh. I can't hold on to him.

I know he's over there doing what he always dreamed of doing, but I can't help but think that he's going to change. What if he comes back and he's not the same person. When he calls on sundays I can hear it in his voice. He's sad, and lonely. He's my dad, he's suppose to be happy and strong. He's always been amazing, I want him to come back the same person. War changes people, but I want to believe that my dad is strong enough to over come that. He's helped us through so much, he's been the support system for this family for so long that if he wasn't strong there's no way we would be.

Come home safe!

Who needs a prince charming anyways.

Yesterday I spent the day with Maleeha and fiana. Maleeha and I took the bus to the mall so she could drop something off to her co-workers. Then we went to rogers and blockbuster and rented a total of 6 disney movies. When we got home we walked over and got fiana. As we were starting our movie marathon we ordered amazing pizza, then sat down to begin our day of leisure. We watched three movies, Pocahontas, Happily N'Ever After and Barbie of Swan Lake. After those three we decided to hold off on watching the rest till our sleepover later in the week.

While watching our last movie, Happily N'Ever After, I couldn't help but think who really wants a prince charming anyways. The movie was about how in fairy tale world, the scales of good and evil got taken over by the wicked step mother, so evil was taking over. But as Cinderella was trying to find her prince charming to save the day, right infront of her was an ordinary guy that loved her and was ready to save her. She was to rapped up in the idea of having her prince charming that she couldnt see how amazing this guy was. I think thats what most girls in real life do as well. We're to worried about finding that one amazing 'prince charming' that when a really great guy comes along we miss out on it because we have this idea that theres only one prince charming out there. In hte end of the movie she does end up with the ordinary guy, which made us happy. The movie speaks true in another way aswell because in the movie prince charming really didnt have a personality at all he was realy dumb and just had good looks. Thats true in real life as well, us girls we look for the good looking guys, but most of the time the realy good looking guys arent even worth getting to know. They don't have a personality to go along with there great hair and good body.

So next time your chasing your prince charming stop and look around because the guy thats meant to sweep you off your feet might be right infront of you.

The three pieces that put together my life.

Today was a bad day.
I sat at home and wallowed in my self misery. As I thought back on what had happened and how it hurt me to know that he didn't care whether I cried or died. My best friend messaged me, and I told her about what had happened, she immediately texted the jerk and told him to leave me alone. That's when I realized I was ok.

I spent the whole day sitting in my basement watching TV. As I was finishing up my third episode of Sex and The City, the last line that Carrie said was " There aren't many people that will love you no matter what, I was lucky enough to find three." When I heard this I cried with relief, because I know that line defines my life. I just sat there and realized how much my three gorgeous best friends mean to me, there my everything. I can't help but think back on what we've been through together. They've been there no matter what. They were there when I didn't have the best control over myself, and they were there when I chose to drink instead of be with them. No matter how difficult I was to be around, they stuck there with me.

It's ironic that I think of all this now, and appreciate it, because on this day last year the four of us were in New York City. That trip was and always will be the highlight of my teen years. It brought us closer and taught us things we'll never forget about each other. That one week trip was a way for us to free ourselves, and realize that life can get better.

I think back on all the times we fought over small things that led into big arguments. We always found a way to get over it. We always tell each other, no matter what we're always gonna be friends, and the longer we are friends the easier that is to believe. We just keep getting closer and closer. Every time one of us is going through a rough time the others are always there. All three of them are the shoulder i lean on when i need support.

We only have one year left of high school and as we get closer to the end I keep thinking of how we've changed each other for the better. I know that when high school is over all three of them are going to go off and succeed at anything they want to do. All of them have dreams and life long goals that I know will come true. They're the three greatest people I've ever met. I could go on forever about how special they are. This isn't done in any specific order. Maleeha is ambitious, courageous, and beautiful. Fiana is lively, determined, and always looks perfect. San is confident, funny, and uniquely stunning. There are so many other qualities that define them, those are just a few.

Alcohol is my friend.

So I've been dumped, but it hasn't hurt me as much as I thought...
It happened about a week ago and I'm just blogging about it now, so that says something. I admit he did mean something to me, but not enough to sit at home crying and eating myself to death. I don't know what to think. I thought it was going good but I guess I was wrong. He was being weird for a while but he kept saying it was nothing, so finally he told me he needed to talk to me about something, so we went to the mall and BAM! it was over. So that's it, and now it's just weird because he ignores me completely at school and is really cold whenever I attempt to talk to him.

Oh well. I'm not going to waste my time with "what ifs" It's done it's over, I'll wash my hands of that. To think I gave up drinking for him!!! God I've been craving alcohol forever now.

Good news, I might be going away for march break, I really hope we do. I need to get away from the routine of Ottawa. I want something different, i want to go away for a week and feel like that's my life. That this magical beautiful adventurous place is my real life. I want to put a bikini on and go swimming, tanning, and lounging around.

I want to feel beautiful!!!!!!!

When the lights go out..

My mom called me in to look at an email she had just received from the school, and when I read it I honestly stood there in utter shock. The email stated that a grade nine girl at Cairine Wilson had committed suicide earlier this week.

There are so many things running through my mind, did I ever see her? did she see me? When something like this happens it's an eye opener, you sit in a corner and think to yourself why do things like this happen? Obviously we all know the reason, we just don't want to admit to it. We all know that this girl probably took her own life because she wasn't accepted as who she was, so she resorted to what she thought was the last option. Everyday we all make comments about people even if it's not completely intended to be an insult. We all choose to do or say things that we don't think through, we don't think about how it will affect those who are listening.

She probably heard everything people said, every whisper behind her back, every statement about who she was, but I wonder if anyone ever stopped to hear what she was saying. Maybe she was asking for help this whole time. Maybe she was screaming, but no one took the time to listen.

It makes me sit here and tear up because I am well aware of the fact that I myself have chosen to ridicule others. When something like this happens it hits you, you ask yourself why? why did I choose to say those things or glare at that person? I ask myself those things, and I honestly don't have an answer. At the time you just say things without realizing the damage your causing. It's ironic though because most people who make fun of others have been in there shoes before, I know I have. I know what its like to stand there and have someone stare at you and whisper things right in front of your face just because they don't approve of you.

I'm ashamed of myself. Tomorrow I will walk into school with my head hung down because I will be aware of all the damage that I might have caused. And I hope that many others will hold there heads down. Our school is filled with people that choose to ridicule the weak. It's wrong but we don't realize it until something like this hits us in the face.

I hope tomorrow many people feel the pain of what has taken place. My sympathy goes out to her family and friends.

Every day disasters.

I don't know what to think. We've been friends for so long, and we've known eachother for 11 years how could you have not told me something like this. Your dad is sick and you couldnt talk to me about it. We use to talk about everything. Our worries, our hardships, and our happy times. Why can't you talk to me anymore?

You barely look me in the face these days. You have seen me at my worst, you know me better then most. I can't believe that I had to hear this from two of my friends, and not from you yourself. You're going through a really hard time and I wish that you would come to me and trust me to be your friend and trust me to help you.

I hope that you don't go down the wrong path because of this. I can already see you drifting. I know what that wrong path can do to people and you are way to good for that. I want to do everything I can to make sure that doesnt happen.

I know you, and this isn't you.

In my wildest dreams,

I never thought this could happen to me.

Have someone be so sweet and thoughtful.

He's amazing.

He came to my house while I was out with my mom

and with my sisters help he set this up on my bed.

It was amazing I came home and walked in my room,

and there it all was!

I just wish that I could be just as amazing.

I feel like I dont deserve him.

I'm always worrying that I'm doing something wrong.

It's driving me insane, every second I'm always thinking

about what he's thinking,

or what he thinks of me.

I notice every little thing.

I notice when he's acting just a little different

or if he's being to quiet,

or even if he's giving me a look.

How do I get past this!

When am I finally gonna be happy with myself.

Here’s my hand and my heart, It’s yours to take.

With all my life issues at the moment, I need this more then anything.
Valentines Day is coming and it's my first Valentines Day where I'm actually with someone. Every other valentines day I've been one of those angry bitter people that hates everyone else for being all happy and in love, but this year I've switched sides. I can't wait for it to get here. I want it to be special because it is after all my first valentines day, and first real relationship.

Me and Said are going out to dinner, then back to my house. He's getting me something, and I'm really excited because he got me really good presents on Christmas and I kinda knew what they were, so this time I'm twice as excited because I have no idea what its going to be.

This whole thing with said is going better then I ever expected. He's more then just my boyfriend. He's the person I go to when I'm upset, mad or nervous. He calms me down when ever I'm over exaggerating. He takes the time to talk to me and listen to my concerns. He moves at my pace and never acts like a jerk. When I'm with him it feels like nothing can go wrong. I just love being with him, and how he always makes me feel important. I know that sounds corny but its true.

I know alot of people look at Said and don't think much of him (which pisses me off more then anything!!!), but I look at him and see everything I ever wanted. He likes all the same things i do, we have no problem talking, which is huge for me because I usually have a really difficult time talking to guys. He makes me laugh and also can be serious when I need him to be. He just understands me so well and thats all I ever wanted. What we have is really strong because even before I realized I liked him he was there. When ever i needed to talk to anyone he was always there. We started talking almost two years ago and ever since then he's been my arm to lean on. His friendship meant everything to me, and now this relationship means so much.

Nine moths I'll never get back.

I've never been so lonely, it's like when he left he took half my heart to Afghanistan with him. Nine months is way to long to be apart from the one guy in my life that has never ever let me fall. I can't even put into words how much this is hurting me. I've lost something and it's hurting more then I've ever hurt before.

He's actually gone. I keep repeating that to myself every few minutes just because I need to keep reminding myself that he's not right downstairs. For the first time in my life he's not there to hold me in his arms and tell me everythings going to be ok. He was the person I went to for stuff like this. If I was broken inside he'd know just what to do to fix it.

I have this urge to run downstairs and check if he's there. Every night before I go to bed I go down stairs just to get a hug from him to know I'm safe and it's ok to go to sleep.

I just realized what I lost. The safe feeling I took for granted. I want to feel safe again.

Please come home safe.

Its ok you can go, I won't be mad.

The show Greys Anatomy is incredibly moving in so many ways!
The actors are amazing, and the scenarios they play out are so touching because they actually do happen in real life. Not to the glamorous extent of the show, but they do happen.

Tonight's episode was truly the best one yet. As i was watching it I just kept running through my head so many different things. I started thinking about my own life and how I'm dealing with it, then I thought about how I would react if I was in some of the situations they get them selves in. And then I started thinking of how my life is going to play out, because to be honest I don't picture myself in the future. I cant imagine what my life's going to be like. I try really hard to think up what its going to be like in 5 years and I cant do it.

A month ago I thought i wanted to be a psychologist but recently i changed my mind and decided it wasn't for me. Now I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do after High school. Its scary not knowing. It feels like I'll run out of time and the next year and half will go by to quick and I'll be stuck trying to make a decision. Then I'll end up making one that I don't really want. I hate that feeling, when you get a pain in your stomach that feels like the world is pressing down on it. Its like this sinking feeling when you cant breath. I get it a lot, usually when something major hits me really fast. I got it when I was starting high school. I got it when i drank alcohol for the first time. I got it when I took my first exam. I got it when my dad told me he was going to Afghanistan. And now I have it because a television show made me think of my future.

I think of all these things and then I just want them all to disapear, life isn't simple. Everyone says they want a simpler life, but i dont think anyone really means it. I know I dont, life would be boring without all the difficult things along the way. We all suffer and we all say we hate it, and you do, you hate that exact moment. There are a ton of moments that i hated, but there done and over with, but in the future there will be more, and maybe I'll suffer a little more to. I hope that my life does play out good, even though i cant imagine it.

Also tonight me and maleeha reached a new level in our friendship. As we were both watching the end of Grey's we called eachother and were both crying our eyes out because the show had touched us more then any other show. It was a touching moment as we both sat half crying half laughing on the phone to eachtoher. To know that I have a friend that I can go from crying to laughing with is a nice feeling. Thank you hunny<3>

One step ahead,

Ok so I'm sitting in the library next to you know who ;)

and as much as I want to jump over and start kissing him i cant because a grade ten class just walked in here, shitty i know. Whatever maybe I can kiss him later when its just the two of us. I find when he's around people, he's very loud and obnoxious and i don't really like it because I'm the complete opposite. I know poeple say opposites attract, but I dont personally think that works. I find it very awkward when he's being loud and I'm next to him because it brings attention to us and then i look dumb. And this parts for maleeha, my boyfriend won't stop talking to brennan! wow this is awkward :S

So far this is a very bad day, i feel like shit, and for the first time in a long time I scrunched my hair and it feels really really ugly! I am never doing it again! Its wierd because when i left the house this morning i felt good! I think its just because I find school very stressful and no matter whats happening i hate being here. I just cant wait till second period I get to start my co-op and I'm not here every morning till 11:30, its going to be amazing i only have to suffer through the afternoons. Although I will probably miss all my girls, and Said, i still cant wait.

Just a couple more weeks and I'm free, and it will feel like I'm only going to school part time! OMG every time I think about it I get so excited!! Hopefully I like my co-op I'm doing it at the Civic Hospital, should be fun. I met the two ladies I'll be working with and they're really nice. I hope I dont disappoint them.

Thats all for now, I'm going to try and convince said to walk around with me, because, ok this is for maleeha and fiana, I still feel like I did yesterday afternoon, oh you two know what I'm talking about ;)

Dare to be different,

I've never been so stressed in my whole life.
As we were finishing school last year I cant even count how many people told me not to worry because they said 11th grade was easier. UHHHMMM NO! This is the hardest year so far, and its not even the second semester! I'm trying to do everything I can so I don't fail math, and on top of that I'm also trying not to fail accounting, even though I didn't even want to take accounting!!! FUCK!

I hate this, I mean its hard enough to go to school and try and get good grades, but we also have to go to school and deal with other peoples fucking drama! I mean its your own drama why go spreading it to the whole frigging school. All you hear in our hallways is, "oh wow shes a slut" "god that girls a bitch" " I'm gonna beat the shit out of her" Those three quotes I heard with my own ears today. Its ridiculous, not everyone in the world has time for your stupid problems. How is anyone suppose to concentrate with that shit going on.

Sometimes I wish I were home schooled, do you realize how much easier that would be, yes I am aware that I probably wouldnt have many friends, but who cares I also wouldnt have to deal with other people distracting me all the time, like fuck off for once!

Yes for my firends that are reading this, I know I talk shit about people every now and then, but other people just take it way to far!! Do you really have to talk about the same grade nine everyday!! I mena all you say all day long is how their a grade nine and there nothing, well if there nothing then why do you spend all your time talking about them!

Ok just had to get that little rant off my chest, thanks for reading!

Live life with no regret,

I never wrote a blog about the new year being hear. Weird, considering 2008 had to be the biggest and scariest year ever. It was the year of many firsts, many things that I would love to go back and redo. A part of me is glad its over but another part of me is glad I went through all the trials and errors because I learned a lot of valuable lessons. I am satisfied with the outcome of the year, despite a few obstacles that i could have done without, it was a very fulfilling year. I learned things that I will keep with me forever, and things that will remind me to stay on the right road. It was ruff but we all made it through.

Sometimes when I look back I realize how far we've come, and how far we still have to go. Its scary but at the same time its exhilarating. I started the new year off better then I thought I was going to. I stopped drinking, which is huge for me! I am working harder in school. I am happier with who I am. And to top it off I'm in a great relationship.

Hope you all have a great year!

The best is yet to come,

When we're sitting all alone in my basement and you gently touch my hand, its like nothing I have ever felt before. Freedom, peace, contentment. All you have to do is kiss me on the cheek and I'm lost in our world. You seem to be happy with me, watching a movie in my basement, or going to dinner with my parents, no matter what it is you never complain. When I glance over at you and your smiling, I get mesmorized by your gorgeous brown eyes. "Your mine", I repeat that to myself because I need to reasure myself that its real. Your real, and its an amazing feeling to know that when I need you your right there beside me to hold my hand and wipe my tears.

It's no longer an untouchable dream. For so long I waited for you, unsure of what I felt. At first you were just a friend, and then without even realizing it you quickly turned into so much more. You inspire me to try, to be outgoing, to think of what I really want.

You're my dream come true.