Wake up to reality.

I think its so ridiculous. We spend over a month getting ready for one day, Christmas. Everyone does it, everyone goes over board for that one day. Then before you know it its the 26th of December and its done and over with. It goes by faster then any other day in the year because you spend so long waiting for it, so when it finally arrives your to excited to enjoy it.

Its so ironic though because we spend so long getting ready for one big day. Even people that have less then the average person still build up the anticipation of waking up Christmas morning. But when it comes to life itself not many people wake up everyday with the anticipation of whats to be there. In life the only time that most people wake up and want to know whats out there are on days that they know they'll get something. All the other days are simply just days that have to be woken up on.

We are a greedy civilization, we only anticipate things if we know that in the end we will have gotten something out of it for ourselves. Its just the way we have chosen to live. We are this way no matter what the circumstances, no matter how drastic the situation is, we always choose the road that leads to our own benefits.

The upside of life.

Despite my horrible outcome, and how much I hate the world i live in. There is one small thing that at this moment is keeping me standing. I have someone in my life right now that is one of the few people that isn't going to leave me anytime soon. He's amazing and i truly hope he stays around for a while.

He's a new addition to my support, because no matter how bad things get, i do know i also have my gorgeous loving girls, maleeha san and fiana. I dont see them around as much anymore though because school keeps them so busy, hopefully when everything at school calms down a bit I'll still have them.

Tonight my dad comes home.

Somehow i feel happy, but then somehow I'm also very angry. He doesn't realize how we're suffering. Yes we're happy that he's finally doing something that he's wanted for a really long time, but the longer he's gone the worse our lives become. Ever since he started leaving to go do his training my sister has gotten angrier and angrier. She's to the point where we don't even make it through a morning without her completely losing all self control.

My dads going to Afghanistan to fight a war, and we're staying here to fight our own war. That's what my home feels like now, a battle ground, and somehow my sister seems to be winning. She's controlling my mom, and I don't know how to retaliate. I have no where to hide. I come home and its hell, and then I go to school and despite how horrific being at home is, I think its better then being at school. When I go to school its like I'm fighting my way through the hallways, and i have to keep my head down in order to make it to my next class. I'm so afraid that if i raise my head up someone will have something to say and it will crush what i have left of my self esteem. I hate CW its terrifying no matter who you are. We have all these assemblies that tell people that bullying is bad and wont be tolerated. Where are all the teachers when kids are walking through the hallways and hearing negative comments directed at them.

I'm a very shy and unspoken person, so when someone says something in the halls that is about me, i don't have the guts to stand up for myself and say something, so for all the people out there like me, who's going to speak for us. Who's going to stop the rude comments and the harassment? I know that I'm going to remember high school as being a terrible, horrible place. If someone goes home every night and cries, then you know that something has to be done. I'm pretty sure that most high school students would agree, no one likes being taunted, and ridiculed. I'm talked about behind my back by older students that think they have the right to. They don't even know me! They talk about me because of my sister and because of things i did over a year ago now. I'm not the same person i was a year ago. I've changed for the better, but they wouldn't know that because their obviously stuck in the past and can't find anything better to talk about.

Some how i cant get over the fact that no matter what i say at this point, no matter how much i beg, the dreaded nine months are coming. The nine months that will change our lives. The nine months that will determine my sisters outcome. The nine months of pure horror. The nine months of loneliness.

When you hit rock bottom...

No matter how happy I am something always has to happen to make everything seem pointless.

So as of Friday I thought my life couldn't get any better, I was cuddling on the couch with a guy that couldn't be more perfect, and my mom and my sister were getting along relatively good. All sounds great right? well i thought so to, I thought it sounded to good to be true, and i was right. After Saturday night things just went down hill, well sort of. I was still happy with the guy and everything, and things were going smoothly. But as usual my sister and my mom couldn't go that long without fighting, so on Sunday there was a big fight because as always my sister did not want to go to school the next day. This sucked, because Sunday was a very important day for me, i was asked out by the boy in my life right now that honestly seems like a dream come true. He's incredibly sweet, honest, smart, generous, and unlike some people he happens to like my rather large bum.

So after Sunday i thought life was amazing, i was happy and now i have a boyfriend, but i guess theres some higher power that doesn't want to see me happy no matter what. So i wake up this morning, and the first thing i hear is my sister and my mom screaming so loud i bet the whole city heard them. It was like any other fight so i was pretty used to it, but every time they have a fight it seems to be getting worse and worse. At the end of every fight my sister ends up not going to school obviously, and that's all she wanted to gain out of the fight. Its how she always gets her way. The things she says to my mom are things that i don't think any sane person would ever say. She says things that know hurt, so she says them more and more so at the end of every fight my mom has nothing left. Its like she tries to drain every last bit of life out of my mom, and succeeds.

I try to leave my home life in the hell whole I live in because I'm trying really hard not to scrue everything up with this guy. I think he's the only good thing in my life right now, and i dont want to see that go away any time soon.

When you've hit rock bottom, you can only go up right?

Turned upside down.

I have no idea what to think.
I mean, life is so confusing, one day I think something and then for some odd reason the next day I go and do something to contradict myself. I'm such a confusing person.

Ok so theres this guy and last year and the beginning of this year I did not like him at all, because I am a very shallow person, very shallow. In all fairness, hes not the ugliest guy, but he's certainly not hot. Before now I never really gave him a chance because I just kept telling myself that he was to ugly and I never wanted to be with him. And then this year I don't know what happened, maybe I just changed and i didn't realize it, but sometime around the middle of October, him and I started hanging out, and we haven't stopped since. I might actually like him....

We have alot in common, and we have so much fun together. We like all the same movies, so its really easy for us to just sit down and spend a night watching movies. He's funny and nice, and I realized he's not the worst looking guy in the world. Just today we went shopping together (oh that's another plus, he doesn't mind shopping with me at all :D) and he was looking for some dress shirts and pants, so we went in to Tiptop and he tried on what ever I wanted him to, and he didn't even complain. Then when ever I made him try on something he really didn't like, all he would say is that he would never do this for anyone else. he's just really sweet, and i have completely changed my mind about him.

I'm a weird person like that, I mean usually I like guys that are taller then average, or guys that are kinda mysterious, but he's neither. And by some weird miracle that doesn't completely bother me.

We will see what happens, maybe He'll turn out to be the guy I always needed.

A loyal sister is worth a thousand friends.

You are my light to which i see,
You create a world for me that i can not get enough of,
You are my half which makes me whole,
You are my soul that gives me life.

Without you i would be as lost as you seem now.
You are so much to me,
you hold me up when i feel like falling.
Everyday goes by and you are what keeps me going.
i take a step forward everyday
because I know that if i dont you wont either.

i know that I am your support.
I am what keeps you standing up,
i am the guide which keeps you straight.
i wish you would see that i am also your only hope.
Without me you would fall down,
and no one would be there to pick you up.
I save you from yorself.

You need to realize that I will always be there,
but you also need to try,
try at life, try to suceed.
I will be there to support you,
i will be there to hold you,
but i need you to want to be here.

I love you, and I need you just as much as you need me.
When no one understands, remember, I always will.

There is no better friend than a sister.
And there is no better sister than you.

When the clock stops ticking...

So life's been boring for a while.

The funnest thing in my life right now is my yoga class i take every Wednesdays with my two lovely Asian friends, Fiana and San. Its very relaxing and helps to takes my mind off other things. schools getting longer and longer, its seems like everyday just goes on for a life time. Me and my friend Maddie were discussing that today in math class, we both think school should be optional. Its the hardest thing in life, to get up and go to school every single day, and have to do the same exact routine every morning. Its boring and very depressing.

Some fun and exciting news, me and my best friends + chitra(aka my one true love) might be going to Chicago for march break. I'm so excited. I already have things picked out that are must do's when we get there, if we get there. I only say "if we get there" because usually our plans get side tracked or we hit a bump in the road and they get canceled. Fingers crossed that this time our plans actually work out. If we do go we're planning to stay with maleehas aunt, which should be fun, seeing as new york was fun and we stayed with one of her aunts also. if this trip is anything like the new york trip, then I can not wait, and i will be counting down the days.

As for family issues, they continue as usual. Fighting yelling and an occasional call to the police. Since my dad left, I think my mom is over whelmed and it scares her a little that shes doesnt know how shes gonna make it through these nine months without him. The other night my mom told my dad if she could she would run my sister over with a truck, so I think that means she cant handle it. I mean I try to help her, but when the situation gets out of control I back off because I dont want to take sides. Hopefully we all make it through the nine months alive.

Hopefully I make it through the next two years without dropping out of school.

It would've been different.

I could've saved you from yourself.
Instead of letting me in you let me go.

Now you're ruining your own life.
I thought you changed, I thought you were on the right track.
But i guess you proved me wrong once again.
Life's hard on everyone, i hate it when you act
like your the only one that has it hard!
Every ones life sucks, face it!

Now you dropped out of school again,
and to top it off your dealing drugs now.
I loved you and i wanted you to love me back!
And now look at you, you could've had so much.
Some how you keep coming back into my life.

I guess I'm gonna have to let you go eventually.

Who said life goes on?

WHY CANT I LET GO?!?
Why is it so hard for me to let go?
You were and are the only person I can think of!

My grades are slipping, my mind is boggled, my heart is broken, and you dont even care. When you left me you took my entire heart with you. I dont know when or if your ever gonna give it back. Theres a whole that cant be filled. You took a huge part of me that I'm never gonna get back. I feel sick everyday when I think about how i trusted you, and how i gave you chance after chance. Everyday i wish that you never existed, i wish that i could forget the last year of my life. You were the reason I had butterflies in my stomach every second of every day for a year, and now you're the reason I cry myself to sleep because of what you took.

Why am i always the one that gets hurt? I dont have anything else to give. You took my whole heart and now how am I suppose to survive?

How much longer will it take for my wounds to heal...

What to do...

Ok so I have a spare now, and I'm sitting in the library doing nothing. I cant help but notice that most people in teh libary sit here and do nothing. Like most teachers if you ask them to go work in the library then they let you because they think its the library so obviously your gonna work, but what they dont know is that everyone just comes to the library and either play games or talk to there friends. As i write on this theres a guy getting kicked out of the library because he's alos on a spare but unlike me he's being very annoying.

I always love spares though because its just an excuse to either sit like a loner or leave the school without getting in trouble. I'm choosing to sit like a loner and write on my blog. I realized that its what I'm good at, just sitting and being a loser. Alot of people ask me why I'm being such a loner, and i just reply. i don't know. When really my reason is i just like it, being a loser and not talking to anyone is fun.

Today's been a pretty good day, I got a drive to school and then went to Tim Horton's for breakfast with Maleeha and Oliva, instead of going to first period. Then got back and went to parenting which is always a super fun class. After that had lunch and lunch is always the same so that was ok. Now I have my spare and its actually amazing that my spares now because math is usually my hardest class so now no stress today. After my spares over I will have anthro and that's fine because that's a pretty easy class to. So all in all today no complaints.

Oh and the best part of my day is gonna be going to saunders farm at 430 after school. It's going to be me, fiana, olivia, jamie, maleeha, and said going. So it should be interesting. I love halloween and everything to do with halloween :D

I'll blog tomorrow about saunders!

It's raining, it's pouring...

I didn't realize that i had so much to think about until I decided tonight to go for a long walk in the rain. I walked for about an hour in complete silence, except for the rain hitting my face and the wind blowing the trees. It was amazingly awkward because I've never been able to hear my thoughts so clearly. As i walked i thought about a thousand different things, and for once it wasn't hard to just think and do nothing else.

I think everyone should take a walk in the rain, speaking metaphorically, it does alot of good. I don't mean do what i did, its not necessary to go out and walk in the freezing rain just to get a few moments to think. I just think that if you take a little bit of time to just think, its much better then keeping everything bottled up at the back of your mind.

One of the main things I thought about is how I'm going to handle the nine months that my dads gone. Its been on my mind for a while. Right now he's gone for his training exercises and I know he'll be back in a few weeks but i still miss him like crazy.When he actually leaves, and I start to miss him after his third month of being gone, i cant really tell myself he'll be back in a few weeks. The main thing i miss when my dads gone is his hugs and his phone calls. When he's here, he usually calls every morning. Its gonna be the hardest nine months of my life. I'll probably end up going crazy, or maybe I'll just spend a hell of alot of time in the rain.

Another thing I thought about is how stupid some people can be. Seriously, some people can be really stupid. Theres a situation that occurring between my group of friends and for some reason one person in particular is making the whole situation ten times worse then it ever had to be. I forgave certain people, and I'm moving on from the whole dilemma, so why cant everyone else. I know after you fight with someone it cant go back to being exactly how it was, unless your super close with that person, but you can at least try and be civil for everyone else involved. I admit I can be stubborn at times and i usually have to have the last word, but in this situation I let it go because I realized there was no point to it.

The point to my blog entry is that everyone needs a little rain once in a while.

I'm tongue tied and terrified.

I feel like my worlds collapsing and you don't really care.
I only have one thing in my life that keeps me from falling, and that is being able to tell my best friends everything, and you being the one that has caused me to be so miserable in the past, have taken that ability away from me.

I console in them for everything, and today mom sat beside me as we drove to the mall and told me something about you and your fucked up life, and then after she was finished she told me to promise her not to tell them, all because of you!

I'm stuck with my fears and troubles because your stupid and cant get your life together! I'm always the one suffering from your stupid choices! You cant understand what a burden you have laid on my shoulders for the past 2 years.

I could never hate you, but I sure as fuck hate what you've become!

Lyrics to I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About :
By Mayday Parade<3>
And we both go down together
we'd stay there forever
just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
and never let go

well i'm thinking of the worst things
that i could say to you
but a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore
and this never will be right with me
and now you're trying to desperately
but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say

and then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go

i could only sing you sad songs
and you could sing along
and you could see the melody
that's been calling out your wrongs
and this never will be right with me
and now you're trying to desperately
but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say
but i never told you everything
i'm losing hope and fading dreams
and every single memory along the way

and then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go

and we both go down together
and stay there forever
just try to get up

and then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go.


I think this could be my new favourite song, it describes my situation perfectly.

I wish I could run too.

You uttered the words, I knew were gonna kill me.
You sat down stairs, while she screamed from the bedroom.
A fight like all the rest, only this time it lead to something different, because now our situation is different. Now you have something to say that will surely kill us all. As she screamed at you, like she usually does, this time you screamed back louder then usual. This time you had a new found courage, that was strong enough to rip my heart out. Of course, the fight was about how petty she is, and how you dont care one way or the other. You swore, she swore, then it was silent. She slammed the door thinking it was over, but i guess you didnt think so. Right when i was trying to hold my tears back, you used the dreaded excuse you now hold in your posestion. You screamed loud enough for her to hear you, " Maybe I'll just stay in afghanistan".

What were you thinking, how could you use that. You know how its killing her to be away from you, and instead of caring, you stab us where it hurts. Oh, i thought you were better then that, how cruel you chose to be. Never before did I ever hear such a horible statement.

I hate the fact that you now have something, that can burn, like nothing has ever before. I hate this, I hate whats happening, I hate what your doing, and most of all i hate that your leaving. I want to tell you how its killing me, i want to let you know that it'll never be the same. Some how i think you know it's not going to be the same when you get back, but a huge part of you doesnt care. You just want to get away from here, from us, from this terrible life we live.

I want to get away to, but you dont see me running.

I don't think rules were meant to be broken.

I’ve done something that I’m not proud of. I’ve broken rules that were set for me not only by myself, but also by others around me. I swore to the people in my life that I wouldn’t do certain things, and yet here I am finding myself doing every last thing I said I wouldn’t. I promised myself I wouldn’t follow in my sisters burnt out shadow, but now today I find myself doing everything she was doing one year ago to this day.

I’ve changed, without knowing it, and apart of me wants to change back, but then the other part of me likes my new found freedom. I told myself last year, while I sat watching my sister change, that no matter what went on in my life I would never change like she has. Now I find myself changing faster then she did, and I know that it has to stop before I go over and beyond my boundaries.

Some how I can see my mistakes, but there’s something stopping me from actually going back. I want to be able to go back, but not all the way back, before I started to follow her I wasn’t what I wanted to be. Now more then ever I feel closer to me, and not the other me, does that make sense.

Its going to take everything I have bottled up inside of me to be able to stop dead in my tracks, before I cross the same line she did, because unlike her I want to be able to stand on the side that I’m on now, but just be able to grasp the reality of the other side she loves so much. She cant come over to the side I still stand on, and that’s what I’m afraid of. I want both of us to be able to be on the side I plan to stay on, but as hard as I try I cant pull her back far enough so she can take that first step back. There’s nothing I want more then to have her back next to me, I think the only reason I wanted to taste the fantasy of her reality was because I wanted to be closer to her.

I have to make her realize that fantasy is not reality, but merely a myth of what we want it to be.

It wasn't just a dream.

Well I've been holding off on writing on my blog for a while, just because the last time I hurried to write about something important, it quickly went from "to perfect" to "disastrous". The last three weeks of my life, i could definitely have done without.

I wish I could erase most of it, but i cant. So I'll just have to deal with it, and that's ok because I have already decided that the person that caused the last three weeks of my life to be miserable was a huge mistake. But I'm the one that made the mistake because i knew from the beginning that he always hurts me in the end. I don't know why I thought this time was going to be different.

Oh, but back to the reason why i didn't want to write on my blog right away. I didn't want to jinx the one thing that is actually going good in my life right now. Also i want to wait and see if it was going anywhere, and i think it could be. So i just couldn't wait any longer to write it all down.

OK so for my frequent readers (chitra, maleeha) before "the mistake" i was talking about another boy in my life that could or might end up going somewhere. I guess i needed "the mistake" to happen to realize what i wanted, and now i know. I'm happy liking the likable. The boy I'm currently falling for is everything "the mistake" wasn't. He's likable, and sweet, and unlike "the mistake" he takes me places and tells me how pretty I am, and treats me like i deserve it.

When i look in this boys big dark brown eyes, i realize that they look soft and gentle, his eyes tell me that he's going to try not to hurt me to bad. Then I cant help but think about "the mistakes" eyes and how deep and dark they were, and how his eyes screamed everything i didn't want to hear.

I'm going to continue liking the likable, as long as the likable doesn't turn around and become the opposite of what i want. So far nothings gone wrong, but in my life that just means give it time something will eventually go terribly wrong.

♥ Maleeho Here!

Hi =]
'Tis Maleeha on Meggie's account.
I don't really have much to say..
so PEACE G's!
=]♥maleeha.

You just didnt want it to work.

You held me and told me that, no matter how i felt about you, no matter how long it took me to trust you, you would still love me. Then you took my hand and told me that you would wait.

You also told me you would never hurt me, so in the last two days you've broken all those promises. You didnt even give me a chance to trust you. Everytime I start to let myself trust you again, you do something that scares me away. You tell me that if i stay with you that I'm just gonna get hurt again, when really your just scared because you know how much I love you. You jsut dont want to let me in to your little screwed up lonely world.

Your just scared that i might actually care. You think that your life is so much different from mine, but you wouldnt know because you've never asked me about my life! You dont know anything about my past, so that means you dont have the right to assume i wouldnt understand your life!

God, no matter how much i try not to love you, i cant help it!

What the hell do you know!

Poeple dont understand how hard it is to watch someone you care about so much, do something that you know is going to hurt them. I know that everyone is going through something difficult in their lives, but when you talk to someone about it and tell them they dont understand, how do you know, maybe there going through the same thing as you. maybe they have a past that you dont even know about. People think that they have something to hide that know one could possibly understand, but they have no idea. They dont know everyones dark little secrets. They cant just decide on there own that there the only ones that deserve to be miserable.

People think that because I look a certain way that theres no way in hell I could be as miserable as someone who doesnt look like me. Well news flash, everyone can have problems, no matter how perfect your life may look like on the outside. Just like everyone else, I have problems, and i probably have more problems then most.

People always guess what my lifes like, they'll think that from the outside everything looks perfect. You have no fucking idea how screwed up my life actually is. Do me a huge favour and dont asume you know me. I have been through things that some people wouldnt even be able to stomach. Dont look at me in the face and asume i have it easy, because you couldnt be further from the truth. I cant imagine anyone wanting to live my life.

Stop going around thinking your the only one thats allowed to suffer, share your problems with people who care about you! If I'm here and I truly want to care about you then why would you stop me! Why do you feel like you have to suffer all on your own. You always complain that no one cares. Well i am fucking telling you that i care!

I would tell you a million times that I love you, if i knew that in the end you would love me too.

Only you could never love me as much as I love you.

Third chances work...

Oh god, do I ever have something to write about!

So alot happens in one weekend. On Thursday I was home sick and really bored, and then i started talking to someone that I hadn't really talked to in a long time, and then without even realizing how fast our conversation was going, we had decided to hang out that night despite the fact that i was sick. So then he came over around 4 cuz that's when my mom was going to work. At the beginning of our night it was a really really awkward, because dont forget I am an awkward person.

Then we went down stairs to watch a movie, and through out the whole movie we hardly said to words, but then after the movie we started to fool around and one thing led to another and after a while he was lying on the couch with his head on me, and I'm pretty sure thats when my heart stopped. But obviously that was to good to be true, and right as we were looking at eachother the phone rings and its my mother, and shes coming home an hour early!

So we get up out of a position I could have stayed in forever, and we go upstairs and we sit on the couch in my living room. Me being the one that always gets hurt I thought this was another one night thing with him, but then he surprised me and right as i was about to kiss him he stopped me and said that he wanted to do this right, if we were gonna do it. Then he went on to tell me how he didnt want to hurt me this time. And all I was getting out of what he was saying was, he did want this to go somewhere! So then finally he had to leave and we kissed eachother goodbye, twice! , then he left. The second he left i literally could not breathe.

Still in my mind i was thinking, is this real or is he just saying all this like he always does. I always forgave him and then we both would act like nothing ever happened. I trusted him too, that was my biggest problem.

Then when he got home we talked on msn and the more we talked the more real it all seemed. What i couldnt figure out though is how fast it all had started. If someone had asked me a week ago if this guy and i were ever going to actually have something i wouldve laughed at the person, because as far as i knew he never wanted that from me. As he put it, we were to different, and some how he didnt understand that, that was why i liked him so friggin much.

So then the next day after school i went over to his house, and things sortof just felt like the last year hadnt happened and we just started where we left off. Sortof, see i still had my doubts. I was still worried that he would do something like before, but so far everthing was going good. We watched a movie in his room. I was kinda more interested in teh movie, it was a really good movie :P yeah but then when it ended we started talking about us, and how he was gonna try not to hurt me again. Obviously i didnt believe him right away, but then as always i couldnt help myself i looked at him and instantly didnt really care, i just cared that at that moment he wanted me. And then like always i had no choice but to trust him. One look at him and my heart always melts, its not my fault he just has that control over me, its kinda scary actually.

Yeah so i stayed at his house till 11, and it didnt seem long enough. I dont remember every second in detail, it was all kindof a blur. But what i do remember is that i am now his girlfriend! I've never been a girlfriend before. I really want this to work which sucks because i still dont know if I'm gonna be a good girlfriend or a bad girlfriend.

I keep giving him chance after chance, but the thing is I would probably give him a hundered chances.

I just hope the third chance is enough.

So what am I suppose to do?

My dad left today to go train in Edmonton, and when he left he told me he was coming back on Saturday. Well guess what, he obviously isn't coming back when he said, and there's no chance he'll be here on my birthday. The one day that things in this house are actually about me, and not the fucking drug addict next to me, and he's gonna miss it. All because war is obviously more important to him.

I am going to go crazy if i have to spend the nine months he's off fighting for this stupid fucked up country, with my fucked up crazy bitch of a sister, and my stupid lunatic mother. There going to kill each other, i know it. Today was a perfect example, my dads gone for less then 24 hours and my sister is already taking advantage of my mom. My sister is seriously fucked up in the head, I'm not even kidding, i think she needs to get her head checked or be permanently put in a mental house. I think my mom seriously doesnt know how to say no to her, she's just to afraid my sister is gonna tare her head off if she even came close to saying no. God what I'd give to be somewhere else.

On a more happier note i hung out with someone after school today :D OK for my more frequent readers, a few posts before this i talked about this really sweet guy that i never really saw because i was never able to talk to him. It was bad, in the other post i talked about how awkward seeing a movie was with him and then in another post i said how i was going to hangout with him but didn't because once again i was to shy. Well on Friday I hung out with this someone and we had a pretty good time, so today i went to his house after school. And this was big because its his birthday today and i kept asking him if he would rather do something else on his birthday rather then hangout with me and he was just like "no i just want u why is that to much to ask for" :D It was so sweet, and today didn't go to bad, i mean i talked a little more which was good. It was weird though because he was lying on the couch beside me, and the whole time i had this urge to touch his hair, but then i relized how creepy that was :P dont worry i didnt end up doing it. All in all, today was fun, and i mean he's not the best looking guy, but i think he's kinda good looking, and its not like I'd ever find a guy sweeter then him. He says things like, " when we hugged i didnt want to let u go" :D like seriously what guy would i ever find that would say that to me again! So i think i might actually like this guy. i might ask him to hang out on my birthday, which is next firday, i think he might want to because he told me he wasnt working that friday :)

Well atleast one good thing is happening in my life. The whole dad going to war is kinda dragging it all down though. He called tonight to tell my mom the news of him not coming back this Saturday, and not only did he not want to talk to me, i was listening in on the phone, and we're all conserned right, and he has the balls to say the stupidest thing to my mom. the last thing i heard before i hung up was...

Anyways war is hell right.

What happens when you feel alone,

who's left to turn to, do u just end up going crazy and never ever have a normal feeling again. I think I'm going through something but I cant put my finger on it, so does that mean all my real feelings are gone. When you feel like no one wants to hear you cry anymore, whos left to listen. When you feel like no one wants to care anymore, honestly whos left. The people who couldnt care less whether you jumped off a cliff today or tomorrow, thats whos left. When you have something so important to talk about and it seems like no ones there to hold your hand and do nothing else but listen, what option does that leave you with.

Somethings bothering me and i want to tell someone so bad, but somehow to others it doesnt seem important. Somethings tearing my heart out and no one wants to be there to put it back in. Usually there are a few good ones i would tell, but lately they dont seem to want to pick my heart back up anymore. Have they forgotten that sometimes there the only ones that can put it in the right spot for me. Maybe I'm not a good friend anymore, maybe they dont want to hear my problems anymore. Maybe there finally sick of me, like everyone else ends up being. I spent the last day with someone who was not as important and it wasnt the same, it was like more then my heart was ripped out, and all i really needed was to know that i still had them.

The important thing that i have to tell them, they already know but i just want to know that there going to be there when i need them for the next nine months. It seems like they wont be, because i think I'm bothering them to much. Whats gonna happen if i dont have them, because i already know i dont have my sister or my mom for that matter.

And, in a couple days i will barely have my dad. After tuesday I will see him off and on until christmas, then after that i wont see him for nine months. I've been sitting here trying to imagine what it will be like, but i cant think of what it will be like because he's always just been there. Now when he's gone I'l wake up here knowing that he's going to be waking up in Afghanistan. I'll know that i cant reach out and comfort myself by having him right next to me. I'll think of him everyday and never be happy until i know he's next to me again.

Fight for your country. Who the fuck was stupid enough to come up with that shit!

God i wish the tears would stop!

How many times do we have to hear it.

So we had an assembly today and it was on bullying. Everyone knows that people go into those assemblies thinking so what who cares if i bully some loser. Then what the teachers say kinda makes most of us feel bad, and we realize maybe we shouldnt be mean to those people. Then when the assemblies over most of the kids that felt bad half way through the presentation, no longer feel bad 10 minutes later, and they go back to bullying who ever happens to bug them first.

Its dumb yes, but we all do it. Even if your the one getting bullied, in some way or another you also bully someone. It's life, either do something about it or get over it. People complain everyday that someones bullying them, and then two seconds later they'll be the ones saying something about someone that they think is beneath them. It goes on and on, theres no stopping it. Yeah sure, maybe the presentations help a little for a week or two, then after that we all go back to our old ways.

I think, yes its mean to the people who are getting bullied sure, but i think its like what everyone always says, people bully other people because it makes them feel better about themselves. Not gonna lie, thats partially why i bully some people. If someone feels bad about themselves, sure your gonna put someone else down because your thinking to yourself, atleast I look better then that person. Its bad I know but we all do it. Its just something to boost our own confidence, and maybe its not the right thing but we still choose to do it.

I personally think the teachers waste there time. Yeah sure there assemblies are probably gonna change about 5 to 10 people out of the whole school. No ones gonna change just because the VP stands infront of them and tells them too.

I'm not gonna be a hypocrite, but you know what, the people I bully probably bully other people too. We all know its wrong, but guess what we hear the teachers say that every year and no ones changed yet, doesnt that tell you something.

Just get up and go.

So first week of school is finally over, it literally felt like the longest week ever. It was like we never left. No one even changed, which kind of defeats the purpose of coming back from two months of summer. When you come back you expect something to be a little different, but no! The only thing that was different was where i went for my classes. Same people, same everything, i dont think it could get any more boring.

What ever, just have to go there and deal with it. Its dumb though because for something that isn't that great, i force myself to get up every morning at 630 and take a shower and stand for about an hour blow drying my hair then straightening it, and then putting on my makeup, and all just because i feel i have to in order to actually be able to walk out of the house in peace. Somehow the only way I'm comfortable at school is if i take that hour and make my self decent.

Hmm, i wonder how im gonna make it through the whole year. Everyday feels like this huge chalenge. Also this year my sister is going to a different school then before and now i hardly see her because she goes to school earlier then me, and then right after school she goes strate over to her boyfriends house and doesnt come back till 10 at night, something tells me shes not gonna do very well in school this year. Who knows though maybe she'll surprise us.

Why do you still bother me?

After all this time I should be over you, I shouldn't even give you the time of day. But somehow every time you say Hi to me on msn its like my world collapsed all because you decided it should. God, I hate how you control my every move, how you get to decide when we start and when we end.

You weren't even that great!
You never talked about what was important. You always told me that I stare to much. You never held my hand. You would always say the wrong thing. And you never kept your promises. For you it was like i only existed when you thought the timing was in your best interest. I hated you for all those things.

On the other hand,
you were the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. You always used to hug me when ever you felt like it. And you'd always touch me on the nose when I was being to shy. And you would send shivers through me when you would bite my bottom lip so amazingly.

It doesn't matter how long ago that was, you still torture me to this day. Just as I'm starting to forget you, you pop back up and my heart sinks. I'll just be sitting here in peace then you decide you need to ruin that before I get to happy. So you say hi so innocently, not knowing what your doing. And then BAM! i crash back down to your level so you can start all over again, acting as if you didnt rip my heart out.

I guess we all wish that one heartache would go away, but then if it did who would be there to bring us back to reality when things start to get to good.

Atleast I'll look good :P

So, i finally decided that maybe i should start writing in my blog again seeing as how school is starting and we all know I'm going to have alot to write about then.

End of summer always gets me thinking about how the year is gonna play out. I think about who i'm gonna hangout with, how my classes are going to be, how many times i plan to get drunk, and whos gonna piss me off the most. Those are all questions that usually dont get answered in the first week, but do eventually get answered.

There are ups and downs, there were more downs last year then ups, hopefully this year will be different. I'm only looking forward to the second day because for me the first day is always a blur. I just walk around like a zombie hoping no one will pay to much attention to me, and hopefully i make it through the day with no regrets.

There are some good parts about school. You get to go out and buy new clothes and actually have a reason for it. Also i get to go and get my hair done which is always a good thing. Oh, and you get to see the people you missed over the summer but theres a down side to that one, you also get to see all the people you spent all summer not wanting to see.

Everythings exciting though, and you start to enjoy it more and more as the year goes on because you feel more comfortable.

The greatest thing about going back to school is that you never have to be home with your family. Thats the one thing that makes me jump out of bed everyday and hurry to get to school.

Oh well.

...

I cant think of anything to write.

You are my heartbreak.

i never really wrote a poem before this, hope you like it :S

My friendship you grabbed

My heart you yanked

You told me you wanted me

So i gave with no thought

You took me like nothing

like just another one

Wasn't I different

Couldn't I be yours

Wouldn't you be mine

You never thought twice

I never saw it coming

Before I knew it was gone

I lost you again

Before i even had you

It was like every time

You lifted me up

And threw me down

I was your everything

Then I was nothing.

-meaghan-

I'l admit I'm scared.

I still have to go and buy all my new stuff.
I have to get supplies and clothes, and get my hair done. I cant believe summers almost over, I'm gonna die, i hate getting ready to go back to school.

All school is, is going there everyday trying to impress people that honestly couldnt care less about who you are. Most of the people there give you no choice, you just have to be a part of it. I cant lie, I take part in all the classic shit that goes on in highschool. I'm not gonna be one of those people that hates highschool for what it does to you, I personally wouldnt be me if it wasnt for highschool. Some people might say thats bad but whatever, I'm happy with what its done to me. Some people might think that I'm stuck up and very shallow, and i admit when it comes to certain things and certain people, I'm gonna be the bigest bitch you've ever met, and I'm proud of it.

Highschools bad and good in some ways. So I'll deal with it for another two years and then get out and forget about all of it.

It's fuckin scary though, honestly. Highschool kills.

La Ronde!!

Funnest day this summer.
Going to La ronde with alyssa, wow such an adventure.
First we started off by being late because the car wouldnt start for tehm and then they finally came to pick me up. Then when we got there it was so fun we got on about 5 rides before lunch, and then we ate. Haha, but then it started to rain, and we made the best of it, we danced in the rain for a bit and changed obviously because we were soaked :P Then we lined up for another ride and it tok so long, and then it started to rain super hard so the rides got shut down, and we sat there waiting for a long time, and finally we decided to leave and go eat somewhere.

So we started to drive home, and we were almost to Ottawa when we see this sketchy little diner in hte middle of no where, and we stop :P We go in and its the nastiest looking place ever, but we stay anyways. We get our food and by this point were already pissing ourselves laughing over how ridiculous this place is.

So we get our food and alyssa looks down and theres a huge black hair on he pickle on hte side of her plate, haha so she tells the lady and the lady looks quickly at all of us, and then snatches the pickle up raelly fast, not the whole plate, just hte pickle and walks off like nothing happened. So then we spend the rest of the time eating the non hairy food we got, and laughing our asses off over how discusting this place is.

Oh god it was so funny. Finally we got home and we realized how ridiculously unlucky our whole day was :P but still crazy fun.

We're going back soon :P

<3

What is wrong with me!

I chickened out!
Can you believe that?! I was so close to going out with a really nice guy and me being the stupid fag that i am, texted him and said i didnt feel like hanging out today!

I did feel like hanging out but then my boring dull shy self took over and all of a sudden didnt want to anymore. How gay am I right. Wow, someone give me some advice, please??

I wanna go barry my self alive, that would probably feel much better then this right now. How do people do it, how do they just have the confidence to talk to anyone or say anything! Seriously maleehas right i have issues, like major weird fucked up issues. I'm making it harder then it should be!

Ughhhhh, wow i wanna know what its like to be confident, then maybe I'd be able to do it more.

Life friggin sucks.

PS. oh yeah chitra you can be my man :P love you hunny<3

PPS. someone come shoot me.

It's always me, never them.

I'm always the one who turns a perfectly good moment into the nightmare of every girls life.

So picture a guy asks you out, and he's decent right because lets face it no one asks for perfect these days. So you finally go out with this guy and everything just starts going down hill, your being the akward shy person you are, and him being no better then you at the whole conversation thing, everything just turns to mush. Every conversation he starts having with you, you ended it with out even realizing what a fag you were being. It really sucks because you can tell he wants it to work and for some reason you cant get your toung to work.

So finally your sitting in the movie, and you are hardly concentrating on the screan because you cant stop thinking of how horrible the bus ride over was, and also your thinking, wow he must hate me for not talking. Then you feel his hand brush by your arm and now you couldnt possibly care about what was on the screan. All of a sudden, the movies over and nothing happened, some part of you wants it to start all over again so you can change every last second, but the other part of you just wants to get the hell out of there and go home and shove your face in your pillow until you die.

Thats the story of my life, every chance i get to actually start something with a guy, it gets crushed because I'm such a complete udder freak when it comes to talking. Poeple look at me and think wow she looks like a snobby bitch, but that shows how wrong people can be. I am the shyest person you will ever meet, when it comes to certain things. When I'm one on one with a guy, a huge part of me takes over and i literally want to go find a deep dark whole and barry myself in it, rather then talk to that guy.

Why do i find it so hard, its no big deal right? Wrong, so so wrong. I use to be the ugliest person ever, not even exaduating, i was hideous. I had greasy long hair, wore no makeup at all, wore close that screamed "look at the looser" and to top it off i had just moved to texas and people couldnt have hated me more there. And the level of quiet i am now, is nothing compared to what i was like then. I was so quiet, even when the teacher asked me a question infront of the class i wouldnt say anything, i would just shake my head no. Can you believe that, i was beyond discusting to look at and when I did talk people would be shocked and say, " wow who knew she could talk :S" I went the whole two years that i lived there speaking as little as possible.

I guess i never got over it. So now its just really hard for me to face the fact that maybe someone really wants to talk to me. I suppose one day I'l change and be able to talk when ever i feel like it, but not today.

I need it to happen by tomorrow, but theres really not a good chance of that hapening, so tomorrow I'll be going out on another confidence ruining outing with a guy that might or might not care that I'm mentally challenged when it comes to talking.

Oh well, maybe I'll die before tomorrow so i dont have to go through with it.

I can hope, cant I.

Wish me luck.

You don't know, so dont pretend.

I'm only writing this right now because i don't want Chitra to kill me in my sleep one night :)

I really don't have much to write about.
My trip was good and bad in a way, it started off pretty good. Well at least i thought it was going pretty good, but then just as we got close to being half way there, you probably can guess what happened. Jennifer decides she hates us and pretty much tells us that we're totally ruining this trip for her, even though we were trying as hard as humanly possible to make it the best trip ever. So, my moms all in a panic because we had reservations for the boat the next day and she had to somehow get my sister 20 hours back home by that afternoon. She thought about putting her on a plane, then she thought about putting her on a bus, then she was even thinking maybe theres a train.

Finally behind my moms back, like the little trip wrecking bitch she is, Jennifer texts my cousin that lives about five hours away from where we were at that moment, and asks him to drop everything and not only drive her home but also drive the extra 5 hours to where we were to pick her up then drive the 20 hours in the night to get her home. Yeah really, i couldn't believe it either. The only bad thing was, that my cousin, he's like the nicest guy on the planet and there was no way he was saying no to her. Which i thought was absolutely ridiculous. Personally i have no problem what so ever, when it comes to saying no to my sister.

So we waited for him to come pick her up, and waited and waited. It took forever, but at that point it was over and there was no use of anyone talking to her. So, i just sat in the front seat keeping my mouth shut, because it usually gets me in trouble when Jennifer's around.

Finally she left, and me and my mom sat in the car trying to rack our brains around the idea of what we could have possibly done that pissed her off to that extreme, but really there was no reason because it doesn't take much to piss her off, we've learned. After thinking for a while we decided we didn't do anything in particular, she just had to get back to kareem, god knows why, that guy personally makes me gag in my mouth. She probably needed some weed or something.

What ever, just what pisses me off is she made it seem like we were the reason she was leaving.

Also something has been brought to my attention, maleeha wrote an article and it got published right. I think that's amazing, most people don't even dream that big at this age. Its incredible too, its about teen drug use, and personally i think that the article she wrote couldn't have been more honest. Some very close minded people have been telling her how she shouldn't have wrote what she wrote, because the article was about our school. Truly, those people need to wake up and realize that most of the people that go to our school also go around saying that our school sucks and we all do drugs. How is it that when everyone else says it, its a friggin joke and people say whatever and move on, but now just because maleeha did something worth while and got her thoughts published, some of you think its wrong and she single handedly made our school look bad. Also wake up and friggin realize that everyone already thinks our school sucks, so one little article isn't gonna effect our status that much!!

God i hate people that think there opinions matter to others, yes you have your opinion, but no i didn't ask to hear it. Another thing, if anyone in this whole situation knows how drugs effect people its me. I've been dealing with it for the past two years, and I've had to sit on the side lines while i watch my sister completely throw her future away in less then 24 months, because of one thing and that's drugs. No, drugs are never a good thing in any situation. If you cant handle your life when your not high out of your mind then face it your never gonna be able to handle it. Its not helping anything, if people go around high, its not doing anything good for anyone.

And if your one of those people who thinks that drugs are the only way someones happy, then you really gotta get your own head checked. When people take drugs, you escape your life, for what, the hour and a half your high and falling all over the place? then reality hits you square in the face, and guess what its not going anywhere! Its ridiculous how some people can be manipulated in to thinking that drugs are the only way out.

I'll be honest when my sisters high, yeah sure she might look happy, but then I'm always there and I'm the one that has to deal with the after shock. She comes home stoned then an hour later shes back to her depressed, scrue the world self, and no one benefited from that hour.

So personally, i do think to many students in our school smoke weed, not all of us, but maybe one to many. I do know if it wasn't for some of the weed smokers at our school my sister might still be half normal and still going to our school, but she isn't, and to be honest our school helped change her for the worst.

OK so maybe i did have something to write about, sorry it was so long Chitra :)

PS,
Oh yeah, the rest of my trip went really well after she left and it was just me and my mom.

PPS,
On a happier note, the rest of my summer should be good, all i plan to do is hang out with my girls and have the greatest last month of summer i can. I also cant wait till fiana's back on Friday <3

Till next time.

Please, please, please.

She's going.

Everyone pray for me, so I survive this trip! :S

Oh god I hope we dont kill eachother.

I'm going to have a positive attitude, but really my positive attitude is only going to take me so far. After to many of there little fights, i might have to jump out of the car, on the high way, when we're passing a cliff or something.

Wish me luck :)

You cant go to hell, if your there.

My family is literally from hell.
They just push eachothers buttons and they dont realize thats what there doing, over and over and over, but I'm the one that has to sit in my room listening to this shit and i can hear exactly what there saying to make the other one want to kill them. What is wrong with my fucking family. I want to leave, i want to leave by myself, but if I'm forced to leave with you then hurry up and make up your mind about everything and leave her hear! All i wanted was to get the hell out of Ottawa. Thats it! Was that really to much to ask for?!!

Yes, we're still going, but the real reason for going was to go away and have some fun. Only now, the reason is because you already paid for the stupid trip and now your forcing yourself to go.

What the fuck is the point of that!

Another adventure;

Finally something to occupy my time at least for some of the summer. My mom decided to take me to Newfoundland, and drive across all of the little towns and what not. It should be a lot of fun, we're driving there, so we get to visit everyone on the way down, and most of my family lives between here and Newfoundland, literally.

I love going places with my mom, because she never has a schedule to keep, she's just one of those, do what ever we feel like people. I love her for that because that means we can stop at all the little places i love about Newfoundland. If you've never been to Newfoundland, then go! It's one of the most unique places in Canada always something to do, and no matter who you stop to talk to there all friendly and so cool because of the accent.

The drive down there is incredible, but so so long, its 20 hours all together driving time, for us anyways, and then on top of that theres a 17 hour boat ride. The boat ride is truly my favourite, i just love being on it, its so cool to know that your going across open water. Also this time should be really fun because we're going over during the day so we get to go out on the deck and look around, usually we cross at night, so theres nothing to see.

I just found out today that one of my favourite aunts, my aunt Ina, might fly down to join us when we get to St.John's. When her and my mom get together, its the funniest thing in the world. Both of them like to talk, and also love to be right, so when they start arguing, its funny in this really weird never ending way :P

We're going to be there for about 2 weeks, a little more. The second week we're there, my dad is flying down to join us, so we can go visit my grandma. She lives on the other side of Newfoundland, so then we have another long car ride to go there, but its worth it because she's my only grandparent left.

We're still waiting on Jennifer to make up her mind whether or not she wants to go at all. First we just told her we were going and told her to decide if she wanted to come or not, but then mom told her that dad was flying down, which i think was a huge mistake because obviously she's going to want to fly down now. I just know that if she does decide to fly with him, shes known to change her mind at the last minute and i can see that happening. I can picture, the morning of there flight her not want to come home from her boyfriends, then my dads like fucked because he never knows what to do when it comes to her.

what ever.
Oh I forgot to mention in all of that, that I'm leaving on Thursday or Friday. That's the beauty of my mom, you never know when she's going to wake you up and say get dressed we're leaving now :P

Till next time<3

Plus Chitra of course,

Chitra reminds me of owl :)

Owl is a wise old owl who tries to give useful advice, directions to far-away lands, and suggestions. Often, his words of wisdom backfire. He loves to read and is somewhat of a know-it-all. When Owl starts talking, he tends to go on and on; that's usually when Pooh and the other animals will quietly sneak away.

hehe i didnt forget you<3

The Hundred Acre Woods!

I looked up a site that tells you all about the characters on winnie the pooh so here you go.

Fiana reminds me of eeyor-
Eeyore is a loveable, pessimistic, and gloomy donkey. Eeyore is hardly ever happy, but his grumpiness might come from the fact that his tail is pinned to his behind. Disaster regularly follows him; in fact, nearly all of Eeyore's houses have either: fallen down, been knocked down by floods, or have been bounced down by Tigger.

San reminds me of tiger-
Tigger is a hyperactive tiger who loves to bounce, because that's "what Tiggers do best." He is a favorite of everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood, except Rabbit, whom he drives crazy with his bouncing. Tigger loves to try new things with gusto, but he often realizes that these endeavors aren't as easy as he thought.

Maleeha reminds me of Christopher Robin-
Christopher Robin is a young boy and the only human friend of Winnie the Pooh (and the gang). Christopher is the one whom Pooh and the other animals can always call on when they get into trouble and need help. Christopher lives at the other end of the Hundred Acre Wood and often calls Pooh a "silly old bear."(the young boy factor did it for me :P)

I remind myself of winnie the pooh-
Winnie the Pooh is a friendly bear who is always willing to lend a helping hand to his friends. Pooh loves honey (he spells it "hunny"), but his eternal search for it often gets him into trouble. When Pooh runs out of the sweet stuff, he'll ask to borrow a jar (or several) from a friend or try to taste some from a bee hive in the Hundred Acre Woods.

Isnt that nice :)

Stay for a while.

So I finally painted my room today, i think it looks pretty good. Well as good as my 12' x 12' room can look. I suffered through painting it with my mom. I guess this event wasnt to bad, atleast not as bad as my outing with her mentioned in my last blog anyways. So when we finally finished it, it was such a relief because now i dont have to think anymore on the colour choice.

Although today was very productive, tonight i will once again get no sleep. Another night passes by when the room next to me is empty. She's been gone now for i think three nights in a row, which is really nothing for her. Usually if either of us did something as big as painting our rooms then the other one would always want to be right there so that we could do it together. Nothing like that ever happens around here anymore. She just stays away, and we sit at home waiting for those phone calls like always.

Another week gone by.

Is it over yet?

So today started out good. I went to buy the paint for my room, i finally decided on a colour. Its called magic moment, its purple, wow i really hope it looks good, well no turning back now. Then of course my day was going to good, so obviously something had to go wrong. My mom and i got into this huge fight, i don't even know what we fight about anymore, we just do. I think it started because we went to go get my report card and as usual they weren't good enough for her. I don't get where she gets off telling me that its not good enough, one of her daughters is a pot head and hasn't finished the 11th grade yet. So she has no right to think that my grades aren't good enough, I'm going to school still and I'm trying my hardest here, and to top all my good efforts off, I'm not out there smoking weed, now am I! It's so ridiculous for her too actually expect me to be this straight A fucking student, when i have to deal with all this other shit happening around me. Like high school drama isn't enough, my family has to go and make it extremely hard for anyone to accomplish anything!

So i screamed at her a bit, told her to shut up called her a bitch, and then she called me a slut in front of every shopper in the entire loeb grocery store which was nice. Oh but don't worry i called her a slut too, even though its not technically true, and maybe i could've come up with something a little more cruel, but ididnt have time for that.

My day couldnt get any worse, so i went and met san,maleeha, and missy at the mall which made my day better, they always do. We stayed in the mall and shopped a bit and ate of course. Then me and maleeha took the bus home, god dont ask me why i decided to come home i have no idea myself. Although, when i got here it wasnt to bad, my nightmare of a mother was sleeping, thats the only time i feel love for her. So i watched a movie, what i do best, i watched drillbit taylor and it wasnt that good.

oh how i miss fiana, shes all the way in texas!
It's one of those days where i would love to call her. She tells me what i want to here, well most of the time, sometimes its nicer to call maleeha, and then other times san. I dunno maybe i would just call them all.

Please someone wake me up when summer is over!!!

Families for nothing.

I laid in bed as the phone rang at midnight.You answered it with such an angered voice, i swore it was who i thought it was. Only she, would dare to call that late, but maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Everytime that phone rings you know your heart sinks a little too. Who knows maybe one of these nights it wont be her, maybe one of these nights it will be that dreaded call you know will come.

You sit there and stare at me as if i have all the answers, but really you just want someone else to take control for once. What you dont understand is, I am just a teenager, and yes you can talk to me, but dont try to make it seem like i have to solve your problems.

She thinks she owns you, she stomps all over you, and the sad thing is you let her. It doesnt have to be that way, you could take back your life. What shes doing to herself is sickening, i know that, but who knows maybe she'll realize that soon. Maybe she'll understand how extremely heartbreaking this is for everyone around her to watch.

I wonder what goes through her mind as she grabs her next joint and lights it up. Is she thinking about us at all. I know you dont want to accept the fact that she is out there smoking, but the shocking reality is just that. I confront you sometimes and tell you what shes out there objecting herself to, but you look at me with such dought in your mind, doughting that i would actually know what shes doing. What you dont want to believe is I am the only one she still talks to. Even though i get mad at her and dont speak to her, you have to understand that its because shes my everything, without her i would be nothing. Its rather twisted to say seeing as shes nothing herself. She doesnt realize that without her here, so many other things are effected.

She thinks her world has to revolve around, her boyfriend, who's a highschool drop out that smokes weed everyday and sits at home doing nothing. I guess we're similar in that way, we both fall for the bad guys. She was already pretty bad before him, but when she started to hangout more and more with him she jsut got worse. Who knew she could even get worse. It's so much easier to blame our problems on someone else, but it doesnt make them go away, and it doesnt make anything any better, you still have a problem dont you.

I love you, and i love her, but when you both start screaming at eachother, no body can handle that! How do you expect a 15 year old girl to handle it. I dont think you understand that this whole thing is also hard on me. I feel bad that you have to put up with her like this, but dont you feel bad for me at all. I'm losing my sister and you choose to turn the other way. She looks to me for everything, she confides in me with all the things she gets caught up in, and she expects me to just sit there taking it all in like its nothing. It's something! Whats worse is she tells me not to tell anyone, so when you ask me to tell you, its just because all she has left is my trust, how can i ruin that.

You are my mother, but she is my sister after all.

We can make it!

So i woke up this morning and ate breakfast with my mom and dad, again no sister, but thats nothing knew. She hasnt been home in a week, god knows what she does when shes over at her boyfriends house. She keeps telling my mom shes coming home, then when its like 11 at night she decides she wants to stay just one more night, which obviously turns into 5 days.

Oh well, after breakfast i felt like a fat cow so i went down stairs to run on the tred mill for 30 minutes, which turned into 20 minutes cuz i got to lazy and wanted to take a shower really bad. At like 3 i went over to maleehas, obviously, where else would i go, haha. We were going to see a moie, we went to see Get Smart, it was so funny. Also very enjoyable becuase we bought a borrito to take into the movie with us, because thats just how we are.

After the movie we realized we just missed the bus, and it wasnt coming for another 37 minutes, so we were sitting there. Then we got very annoyed by these to weird guys that were talking way to loud, so we got up and started walking. As we walked we were joking around and said we should walk home and were really joking but then we looked at eachother and were just like you wanna do it? :P So as u you can imagine, we began walking from the mall to maleehas, which is in avalon. It takes like 15 minutes to drive, but it literally took us an hour to walk it, and we were going pretty fast. We almost died!

Fun moo&moo day!

All for something in the end;

What an interesting day, followed by a very nice night. My day was very fun, i spent it with maleeha, san, and ryan gaterell, and then fiana came later on in the afternoon. We spent half the time being extremely lazy and the other half baking a cake, then brownies, and rice crispy squares. Then we ate some of it, not all of it because it started to make us feel very sick. That was all fun and we all talked and just hung out for a while and then we all went home at like 8:30.

When i got home my mom kept mentioning to me that there was a light show happening on parliment hill at 10:30, but i told her that it was late and it would use up alot of gas to drive down there. So, we just decided to go for a walk around avalon, which was surprisingly exciting. As we were finishing up our walk i saw this path and i remembered that the path led back to our street, so we take it right :P and as we're starting to walk down it, it looks really dark and scary, so my mom turns to me and says, ok lets take it who cares. We get on it and im holding her arm and i stop, I'm like, "omg theres a..." and i paused for 3 secodns and my mommy gets really scared you know thinking theres like a rapist or something, but no i kept talking and i was like, " theres a rabbit!!" my mom almost killed me, she got so mad becasue she jumped and almost tripped :D haha

Finally we made it home and we were still really awake and we wanted to do something, so after all of that we decided to go down town and see the light show. Now to understand what I'm about to tell you, you have to understand that my mother is the funniest lady you could ever meet. So, we were almost to parliment when she realizes we're merging on to the bridge that takes you over to Quebec!! It was so funny, she see's the bridge and she's like, "Holy Shit!! look at what I'm doing, omg whats happening, we're stuck, we'll never get back!!" This is all happening with me pissing myself laughing in the seet beside her. OH dont worry it gets worse. We got over the bridge and there was one exit but we missed that, so then we take the next one thats going towards friggin montreal, oh so funny. At this point my mom is sitting straight up in her seet about to scream and cry, and I'm seriously about to pee now, i was laughing so hard!! She had no idea where we were and then we were stuck going god knows where. Finally we stop at this gas station after taking another wrong turn. Right before she goes in to the scetchy looking gas station i keep trying to tell her that this is quebec they all speek french and nothing else. She goes in, and then I lock the doors very quickly because theres some scary looking bald guy standing right beside my door! Then i see her coming back out like 2 minutes later and she gets in the car, oh but it was so funny. She gets in and i say right away, " so was he french?" and she looks at me with this stunned look on her face and says, " no.... he was chinese" :P hahaha funniest moment ever, because you know, you really dont expect it to be some chinese guy.

Finally we make it back to parliment and to top off our night we park in some ilegal place where your only suppose to park if you work in parliment, which oblviously we dont, and only because we really wanted to catch the rest of the light show. Thats just one other thing my mom loves to do, break the law ocasionally :P It was deffinetly worth it though, the light show was incredible and so cool to watch. I really think our adventure was worth it just to see the light show, lame i know. You have to know my mom, anything stupid is fun when you do it with her.

So all in all, funnest day yet this summer!